Today I quit my (secondary) job, for the first time I quit a job, it was all down to one thing - I lost myself. I hadn't smiled in two weeks, I hadn't had a minute to myself in those two weeks, and I had been having regular panic attacks and actually collapsing a few times due to them. I was in a bad way, a bad place; dark thoughts were creeping up and frankly I was scared.
After a phonecall everything became clear; I needed to change something, I needed out of this misery and be able to give myself time and enjoy my life.
I asked myself why I couldn't do this, why I couldn't work 7 days a week, I looked to people I admire, that inspired me to want to do it; I looked to local barbers/clothing company Hard Grind/Abandon Ship, I looked to people like the Rock, how could they do it, how could they work long tiring hours every day and not let it phase them?!
The answer is simple, they are doing something they have a passion for: this isn't a job for them, its something they want to do so the long hours isn't something that gets to them.
I didn't have a passion for being in a call center, no matter the money, no matter how much I could change the hours, I didn't have the passion nor did I have the love that willed me through the 12 hour day. It wasn't worth the hassle, the misery, the self-hate that I felt and the damage I was doing to relationships I have; it wasn't worth any of it.
So whats now? Well Im going for an amazing promotion at work, where I would, and honestly should, get far more responsibility, get a raise in pay, get more than double the hours, and get a new role where Im doing more than just walking around for 4 hours a day.
I have an interview with a local PC store on Friday, in which I could do with my current H&M contract, so I would be working 7 days a week but the hours would be far more manageable and the times wouldn't destroy me - though this would render me unable to go for the H&M promotion so to be honest, Im not sure which I'd prefer.
Other than all of that, other than all the job stuff I have had time to do very little to be fair in the last week, BUT I do have a renewed love and need for new music, for new films and things to stimulate me! I've REALLY gotten into film scores as of late, I set up a playlist with the scores of The Saint, Star Wars Episodes 1 and 3, and Batman & Robin and hot damn its so gude! So relaxing and really helps me focus and unwind at the same time,real nice for background noise. Though actual lyrical music I have a bunch of new releases soon so I am fucking stoked for (Burn Halo, Wax Idols, Bring Me The Horizon, probably more).
I feel Im rambling at this point, but in short I have so much to look forward to, I want to eliminate all the unnecessary bullshit and stick to what is best for me, what makes me feel good and what helps ME. I hate that I have rubbed people the wrong way, been a different person and just in general not been the fun Sean that is SO much of who I am at the core of it all.
I want to get back to this and enjoy life, because in the end, life is super short and theres just no sense in wasting time not enjoying it or doing things that dont put a smile on your face.
