I wanted to break this anyway and write up something good and positive, but today Im not sure I can do that 100%. I am by no means in a low place or anything, but just not feeling up at THAT level that I have kinda gotten used to.
Im sure its just down to a few things; exhaustion, stress, nerves and excitement.
Exhaustion is a big reason why im just not feeling myself today, I am going on about 7 months now where I've been working pretty damn solidly without any real time off, travelling two hours a day on that, not to mention other aspects of life that take up time and massive amounts of energy outside of work. Add on to this my insomnia which has gotten real bad in the last week again and Im just completely fucked. I dont feel like myself, like this is a barrier in the way that I want to be. I know HOW I want to live through the last few days, just this exhaustion is dictating, taking over everything on my behalf. I feel very scared and very very over sensitive and just general overthinking things and I am fucking hating it!! Again I dont want to be overthinking stupid stuff, that was something I felt I had gotten over months back, but this latest onset of sleep-deprived-ness has really shaken me.
Just the last few days have thrown me some stupid stuff and I think Im just trying to get back to my feet.
BUT the other thing that has me just out of my mind is a good thing, a great thing infact - in 20 days I will be travelling over to Albuquerque, New Mexico to see and spend a week with a certain someone and I cannot, I repeat cannot be more excited for it all!! This has been something that has been a priority of mine for so long, but money and other things always were in the way, but after a change in dynamics, and a continued change to our circumstances its now the right thing to do, for the right reasons and its the start of the next chapter of our relationship. The past is the past, what happened, no matter how bad it felt at the time, has resulted in two people that are in better places and are ready to do things properly. This is the right time, and will not be the first time I venture over there this year, already I have plans to go over a few months later!
We're meeting again for the first time.
This trip is so needed, of course the main reason is to go over and see her, spend time with her and do everything we've both wanted to do for years. I get to do all that now, and I cant describe how happy it makes me, and how much it makes me smile, and believe me I dont smile all that often...
(Is this a smile? Why am I bearing so much teeth?! Am I growling? Is this my attempt at Chandler's smile?!)
Annnnd I just got the most amazing message and I now cant wipe this smile off my face ha, man oh man, I am smitten.
In total, I just need to get rest *sigh*, thats it, thats all I need, a little break and some rest. I have good people in my life, great things to come, oh Lord do I have great things to come, I am more than happy with my appearance and self image, I just need more fucking sleep (and to stop having these 8am starts (5am awakened) at work would be nice).
But rest and for the next 20 days to kinda rush by and I would be the happiest mofo going in this world. So much good to happen, and when I look back on some of the old posts I've made, jeez, it shows that things get better and that nothing can stop you getting to where you want, you just need to work hard and persevere.
