Life Or Somewhere In Between

Its been one heck of a hot minute since I last wrote anything of length; many reasons for it, one of which being that my keyboard is on its last legs (my entire laptop is actually) so its kinda hard to write anything when you have to copy and paste certain letters and such.

BUT the last few months have been pretty major in terms of making choices, and for some reason people seem interested in me, what Im doing and the choices I am making....thats weird (!!) so I decided to start this up again, though instead of focusing on the negatives like I have before, just because of where I am in life and how I am feeling I just cant see that being the case - infact I see it being the opposite...things are good!!

Ok so the big thing is (*drum roll*) I'm moving to London in less than 6 weeks!!  I paid the deposit today, and tbh Im fucking pissing my pants!!
Well, actually no; part of me is, but another part is so optimistic and ready for it, to take life and ride it like a raging length!  Take life and actually mold my own existence with it, make my life mines finally.

The opportunities that lay there are so huge, and frankly, achievable; I mean job wise, thats my biggest concern, I'm 25 and I not only need to, but WANT to start my career. I really want to get into a nice fashion boutique and go from there; maybe start from Allsaints, go from there, I just want to get into fashion in some way and again, as I said, give it a red hot go!

But in terms of how I got here; honestly I was pretty broke only a few months ago, I mean bad, but after getting a MASSIVE surge in hours at work, and having this idea and actually sticking to it this time, not spending all my money straight away, I found myself in a pretty stable place money-wise, so moving isn't too based on money, and the fear isn't either.  No the fear is of failing, the "what if I bomb hard?!" feeling, but after having a good bunch of people give me support these last few days I've found myself more calm and proactive about it.

(my face when I realised that even if I fail, I can come back)

So, where am I staying??  What am I wanting to do??  Do I even like London??!

I'm going to be staying in Hackney, a nice little place, nothing major but all I need is a room, a bed, and someplace to store my clothes, shoes and records; Im a man of simple pleasures.  I want to be going full on with my work, I want to be a workaholic, I want to earn that money and my place!

Wanting to do?  I want to explore the city, the area; I've been one of those people that only stick to certain areas (Camden, Oxford, ect) but I wanna see it all, do it all!  I want to experience the Christmas time there, revel in its bright gleam and the atmosphere.

Oh, yeah I do like London too....

So what else is to come; well I have less than 6 weeks to get a removal van sorted, and get my transfer sorted too though that isn't going to be THAT major of a thing I don't think, but its not that major tbh, I mean I've been living with everything pretty much packed for two years now.

But I hope to continue this wee thing regularly again, so more to come...pro..probably

It's No Good // Me

So this is the first time I've wrote anything really in sometime....whether it was down to not having time, or not feeling like I had anything to say, or even I just didn't want to.

I'm in a very different place than I was the last time I posted anything on this thing; Im now happily with my girlfriend Natalie and have been for almost 4 months now, and everything is going so great!  I have the time of my life every time I am with her, as soppy as that sounds, Im happy in that respect of my life.

......so why the fuck do I still have this mounting anxiety that builds inside every second?!

 

My anxiety has been off the charts these last few days, and the worst thing is that I cant even pinpoint WHAT I am anxious about.  Its these weird things; honestly all I can think of is that its all stemming from this intense hatred frankly with everywhere I am in life apart from romantically.
I'm in this job that I really do just despise now, its not me, never was and I am just down with every aspect of it!  The shitty hours, the pettiness of the managers, everything!!
I hate where I am physically too, I need the FUCK out of this place, but without a full-time job or guarantee of steady full-time hours its just too risky.

Actually, you know one aspect that I am happy with is how I look; I dont wanna come across narcissistic but I am actually really quite happy.  My passion for fashion is simply growing so much, and I am loving every second that it is; it helps me identify myself and express who I am, honestly I think its the only way I CAN actually do these things at this point.  Putting together an outfit, no matter if its fort me or someone else is the most fun I can have these days!

In general I just need to get out; I need away from this life, or no, actually this rut I have found myself in this last year.  I need to fig, bite, scratch and claw out to get to a place where I can breath happily and let all the good that is my relationship with Natalie, my confidence and when it happens, my happiness in where I am all in and just be happy again!

Even though this has been short it really has helped a bit, I can feel the pressure in my chest soften and my heart rate go down; its a start...