I'm in a very different place than I was the last time I posted anything on this thing; Im now happily with my girlfriend Natalie and have been for almost 4 months now, and everything is going so great! I have the time of my life every time I am with her, as soppy as that sounds, Im happy in that respect of my life.
......so why the fuck do I still have this mounting anxiety that builds inside every second?!
My anxiety has been off the charts these last few days, and the worst thing is that I cant even pinpoint WHAT I am anxious about. Its these weird things; honestly all I can think of is that its all stemming from this intense hatred frankly with everywhere I am in life apart from romantically.
I'm in this job that I really do just despise now, its not me, never was and I am just down with every aspect of it! The shitty hours, the pettiness of the managers, everything!!
I hate where I am physically too, I need the FUCK out of this place, but without a full-time job or guarantee of steady full-time hours its just too risky.
Actually, you know one aspect that I am happy with is how I look; I dont wanna come across narcissistic but I am actually really quite happy. My passion for fashion is simply growing so much, and I am loving every second that it is; it helps me identify myself and express who I am, honestly I think its the only way I CAN actually do these things at this point. Putting together an outfit, no matter if its fort me or someone else is the most fun I can have these days!
In general I just need to get out; I need away from this life, or no, actually this rut I have found myself in this last year. I need to fig, bite, scratch and claw out to get to a place where I can breath happily and let all the good that is my relationship with Natalie, my confidence and when it happens, my happiness in where I am all in and just be happy again!
Even though this has been short it really has helped a bit, I can feel the pressure in my chest soften and my heart rate go down; its a start...
