I've dwelled hard on being back home, each day coming more and more undone, finding another things that I hate about this place, pushing people just that little bit further away. I knew I was doing this, I knew I wasn't happy but I just didn't know what I could do, or what could be done. I retreated to a few people and like I said above, I relied way too heavily on them, which yep, is sooooo unfair and is just a major put-off! Again I knew I was doing this, and I knew the repercussions of this and that I could potentially ruin friendships and relationships because of this ridiculous behavior.
I'll admit it, I am not happy here in the UK, Im not happy at my job, I dont really get along with people there and I am continuously getting mixed and contradictory feedback from managers there. Yesterday I actually ended up having what basically dwindled down to an argument with my head manager, ranging from a promotion that I was told I was suited for but then told a day later once I requested an application that I wasn't ready, to being told I have a bad attitude and that Im not that much of a hard worker....even though I've literally been told that exact thing from people higher up than him every time they have been to the store within the last 6/7 months.
So yeah it made zero sense but it did have one good outcome, I've given up on that place, on job satisfaction from that place - I dont care anymore. Now thats not me saying I wont work hard, I will and I'll work harder than anyone there and gladly go about my way when others get praise because they are more talkative to staff and louder than me (plus I have an incline that they hate my eyeliner and nails ;) ).
What does that mean then, am I just to suffer through that job and be miserable till I find a new one? Well kinda, but now I have finally, FINALLY, 100% found the right visa for me to get over to the States, I spent last night researching it, looking into it, making sure it was the right one and that there were no small-print deals that eliminated me from being eligible for it. Nope, I have found it and its so so right for me, its perfect for me, gets me there for up to a year and can then be extended for another 2; and for those who's math skills maybe aren't up to scratch, thats 3 years I could be in the States, and even if it wasn't extended, I can just reapply for a different position. I feel like I've said this a gazillion times, "oh look, I've finally found my way over..." well yeah no this is it, I have finally gotten definitive answers and have my head screwed on properly for the first time since coming back, and I know what Im doing.
For anyone thats reading this and my recent mentalness has effected you I am seriously, sincerely sorry and I hope you can and do understand.
So, other than that whole thing, lets get on to all that good stuff; I finally got a fucking leather jacket this week! I've been craving one for years, like just a good black leather jacket, nothing fancy, just something badass and I luckily found one on the H&M site, annnnnnnd when you get 25% off and free online delivery you get damn enticed!
I'd say I look pretty sexy....
On jackets I also got started and finished on a little project I've been working on in the last few weeks; I bought a cheap khaki green military jacket and intended on jazzing that dork up with patches, so I did. I've been out of commission the last week thanks to toe stuff that I'll get to, but yeah so I've had a bit of time on my hands so I learned how to sew and ended up with a pretty awesome jacket at the end of it all!
Ok so toe stuff, I've had a broken toe for maybe 5 months now, maybe 4 I cant remember, either way its been a pain in the ass for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long, and this past Monday I finally (I've used that word way too many times in this post) got surgery and all Im hoping against hope that its the last I will need to endure. I haven't necessarily been able to rest up since surgery though, I mean thats just me, but add in how fucked I was emotionally I just pushed through everything. Stupid move, but thankfully I wont have to go through it again (hopefully, theres a 5% chance I will...eek!!) but yeah, I actually took the imitative to redress it on maybe Friday night and it bummed me out/shocked the ever loving hell out of me just how gnarly it looked, all bruised up from the injections and just eww. It really got to me and did something to my head, which did not help how I was doing at all.
But but but BUTTTTTTTTTT I am feeling so much better, even more so now that I've been able to write this all out, it feels more real and lets me reflect on all of it, digest it and just look at how silly I was being, but also how much better I am feeling now. Again, if anyone reads this at all, and my nonsense has been a burden to you, and I dont blame you if it has, I am so sorry and I plan on making it up tenfold to all of the people close to me that I feel I have wronged.
Other good stuff, if all goes to plan, I'm gonna be heading back to New Mexico 7 weeks yesterday which is rad-as and Im so excited for obviously, and as well Im just so excited for whats to come; finally (last time I use it, I promise) I feel like I have a path set out, I dont just know where Im walking TO but I know what way I am going to get there.
So in closing, yeah 90's U2 is fucking amazing, seriously, so so good, these guys have always been a huge part of me in some way, they were the first band I liked and the first band I ever called "my favourite band" and this new found love of their more experimental, poppy stuff has just solidified that, in a time of my life where I am surrounded by heavy metalcore and hardcore, that some pure cheesey U2 is just as good and as important to me.
