First entry in a while I think; I have the holiday blues I think, or atleast I think that I would think I had it but that doesn't last a week does it?
I've been back home from Albuquerque for maybe 5 days now, and frankly I haven't let go of the place yet, I cant! I had the most amazing week there, I met so many amazingly nice and friendly people, I done things that I had always wanted to do and most importantly I got to finally embrace Reva and spend a week with her and losing THAT is something that I cant get over yet, I cant accept not seeing her or even talking to her every day right now.
I've come home and straight away been hit with why exactly I wanted, no, NEEDED to go away, and why before I left I saw this as a taster to see if I could stay there, if I could handle the States. I can.
I really can in fact, hell for fuck sake I got there and didn't think ONCE about back home, I didn't give it a thought; not one place, not one action, not one friend, family member, nothing. I didn't care for anything and was honestly ready to settle down in the States right there and then - I told myself that if the UK had been totaled, demolished and wiped out, I would be fine with it.
I've come home to misery; I dont know what it was but I got back and I instantly felt this great indifference to literally everyone here. I just dont care, I'm trying so hard just to keep up conversation with people that a month ago I craved talking to. I dont know, when I was away I got to be me, the real me that has been knocking on the door for a few years now just waiting to get out; I felt like a real adult, I felt like my life was in my hands and I wasn't afraid of that one bit, infact I was fucking excited!! Now though, I know that I am going to have to sit through conversations about video games, or minor problems that have been blown up to mega proportions, or just things that in general I dont care about and haven't done for so long but kept up this facade of interest because it made them happy so thats what mattered...I cant do it anymore.
I got a little taste of what my life could be like, and it was simply incredible; I seriously cant put into words how much the entire week meant to me or just how happy I was, how much I smiled, I smiled more than I have in the last 10 years in that one week. And it was not just because of a girl, it wasn't just because of my friend, it was the vibes, the feel, the atmosphere, the things I finally had the chance to do, the little things, the conversations, I was treated like a 23 year old should be and I was finally able to fucking live!
I am frustrated, beyond frustrated, I need out of this town, this country, I need away from EVERYONE I see here, because I simply cant be that person anymore, I'm not that person anymore. I dont want to suffer through my life just to appease others, its not fair to me.
This isn't a depressing post, no this is exact opposite, this is a hopeful post; in the last 5 days I have made more steps to finally getting over to the US that I have in the last 7 months.
I have managers at work, I mean too many to count that are backing me to transfer over to the States and work, mangers at different levels that want to do all they can to get me there. I am now on the right path finally, I know where I'm going, I have the correct Visa I need, I have the money that is required, and I know what I need from the company and who to talk to about getting it.
In 6 months at most, I plan on being in New York working with H&M on a year-long internship basis, which after that would progress to the level that I am now seen as being qualified for, manager. Just writing this out is making me so excited and happy; Christ my manager just now is a lawyer and has done this transfer multiple times and out-right told me if I need any help, she's happy to do anything she can...makes me feel bad all those times I called her a "ginger twat" in my head (and sometimes out loud :X ).
So now its happening, its starting, the end has truly began. I know what I want to do, I know what I NEED to do, and fuck I am doing it. I dont know who, if anyone, from the UK reads this, but if you do, I wish I could say sorry if I offended you, but frankly I dont know if I am 100% sorry for it. I just dont know.
My life is expanding, and its not for a girl, its not for some 4-letter word, its for ME, its for my life and to be able to truly be happy in life, I need to do this.
The end has began, and a new start is oh so so close, and believe me I am more than ready!
...also I need to buy new jeans.
No comments:
Post a Comment