As days go by I find myself becoming more and more angry inside towards the people that are wronging me, and each and every day Im finding more and more people that fit into this category.
Im really trying to keep a positive outlook, to keep calm and try to make the best out of this temporary bad situation, but no matter what, the second I find myself in a good place, in a mood and state where I feel at ease something, someone just breaks me in some way.
I try to keep myself to myself these days, stick to those that I want to know and the others can do whatever; I did it for a long time and it worked, but now I just dont know. All these people seem to be busy or just dont have the time, and maybe this is just me being stupid and thinking too much into something and just in general suffering from some low self-esteem, hell I probably am, I know I am, but still thats how it feels sometimes. Sometimes I feel abandoned and that I am always having to make the first move, and in that thought, if I am always the one putting in the effort, does that mean that the other person simply doesn't want to? Or is this me just being the quicker to the punch every time?
I think its obvious that right now Im maybe not doing so well emotionally, I've found myself in this grey area of life; on one hand Im here, Im living this life that Im just not liking at all at this point, my job, my health, my surroundings, everything makes me miserable just now. There are only a few shining lights for me, breaking through the hard crust of this gloom that can make me smile, but even they are now things that I feel are rare treats, and even still they have their bad sides. For one music, music has lost what it once was to me, I used to thrive on it, going to a show used to be the best thing I could do and I wanted to do it every single night, and I tried to! Now, well now music's hold on me has faded, certain songs/artists conjure images that I'd rather forget, or lyrics are construed in my head to form the same pictures of discomfort over and over acting as an ever reminder of my faults and failures; going to a show is now nothing more than a pain, the show and experience are secondary and me just finding a way to not end up sleeping on the streets after it becomes primary.
On the other side of this grey is this life that I want, that I can taste, that I've had little snippets of form time to time over the last year; an independence that is the last prize-won entering you into full-blown adulthood, a life where I feel loved and love towards those around me, surroundings that encourage me, that excite me and that motive me, but most importantly they bring me a content-ness and joy that has been lacking for a long time.
Now this life, this other side of the grey is just that, its the other side, its whats to come and I truly believe its just a matter of time before I get to spread open my arms and finally embrace this light, say goodbye to the crumbled mass of sorrow and truly start this mysterious thing that people call "life". The trouble is the waiting, its trying to keep myself in a good enough headspace so that I can reach this garden of Eden, at times its tough, it really is and sometimes I feel like just throwing it all away. So much of the time I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, so much of the time I spend my waking moments dreaming of this life but when it comes to actually doing something about it I fall at the first hurdle, having the confidence to actually do it!
My goals are simple enough to put into words, but taking the action is the hard part, but even then when I think about it it really isn't, its just having the support there to help me when I need it, but also just having people around me to help me. To move to America, thats it, thats the goal; its not for a girl, its not to live the "American Dream", fuck its not even to have easy access to some tasty cookies and pizza (well, maybe a little), no its something that can take me away from this place, that can break these ties and finally let me fly off...to let me live a happy life. The girl, the Dream, the food, the experience, thats all bonus, thats an add-on, or atleast two of them are add-on's whilst one is a very large reason, but in either case the #1 reason to make this huge step is simply FOR ME.
And like I said I KNOW this can and will happen, its just doing it; because its scary, its scary cause Im putting it all on the line and Im fucking grabbing at anything I can to survive with this decision, with this move. I dont feel that people around me truly understand this, I like to think if they did, if they knew just how scared I was deep-down about all of this then they'd be a little more supportive. This terror eats at me, every second its there gnawing at my soul, my heart and my courage; the questions "Can you do it? " and "Why haven't you done THIS yet?!" flood my brain till its ready to capsize and leave an Oscar-less Leonardo DiCaprio floating on a brain-cell waiting to die.
I can do this, and I will do this, theres no question or doubt in my mind, and I am finally doing something about it I feel, and Im starting to see the light, its distant and flickering but its there and it invites me like Pornhub invites every 13 year old boy with an odd sock and parent-less house.
I just need to breath, I just need a little relief and honestly just a break from people, some encouragement and for them to know that broken toes, missed buses, back pains and black-outs are things I can deal with but this burning feeling inside of me cannot be taken care of with medicine or rest (unless its heart-burn).
*ending on a joke, ~SO~ posi!*
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