I think this all perfectly sums up how I am and where I am just now; Im in a state of waiting. There are so many cool things happening in the near future, but for the life of me I just cant stop focusing on them, which in turn makes me miss the 'moment' and I end up feeling BLEH.
I mean Im feeling really good just now, well mostly good I think, as good as I have or think that I can in this point in time.
Im excited but bored, Im motivated but feel drained, Im ready but also scared and overwhelmed.
*an exact representation of me losing my mind*
Like I said Im feeling good, emotionally anyway I feel like Im coping, and in the end I think thats the best I can hope for whilst still here. But I cant help but feel that I am wasting so much time; I feel like for the last 4 years I have just been in a state of constant waiting;
-When I finished my 1st year at Uni I was already burnt out and just waiting to finish my 4 years
-When I started dating Reva I was just waiting till I could go over and see her
-When I left Uni and moved out of my student flat I was just waiting till I could find a full-time job
-Now I find myself waiting to move over to the States for good
Things are looking bright on that front, but still its going to be a few months still till I can be over there; and fuck I am a very impatient person! Maybe I just want confirmation so I know I can finally do it, so I can have peace of mind in something that I have dedicated so much of my time (probably an unhealthy amount) over the last year and a half to doing. I've became ill with how much I've obsessed about this, about moving over, and I've became obsessed with reasons too - I've became a very obsessive, anxious and impatient person in the last year. Maybe its a quarter life crisis?
I also feel like Im torn, like Im becoming two different people but cant stay faithful to one, so what ends up happening is that each day is a crap shoot as to which Sean will wake up. These different sides to me aren't exactly emotionally based either; Im finding myself becoming alot more American-ised, more akin to the way the people I know from there are and act. That side of me is a part that will become more prominent in time, and honestly it feels alot more "me", I like it. But then theres the side of me thats still rooted here, the side that friends I've had for years know, but this side is dropping off and out of sight, slipping away because it and in turn here just doesn't fit me anymore.
A really crude example is Facebook, I know I hate bringing it up but its pretty much the prime way I communicate and am able to be exposed to most people I know from across the pond - but what I find is that they are incredibly loose with social media, more open to being open and putting themselves out there, and dont care whereas here its all just very bland and mundane, old meme's or backhanded comments. Its the difference between a light side, and a very sarcastic, darker one.
But above all else, I do have some amazing things coming up; I have a very *hush hush* meeting on Monday, a great opportunity has come up to model for a company that I like and follow which I would absolutely LOVE to be a part of and hopefully in a months time I'll be on my way back to New Mexico for another week with that rocker chick (where I will finally be able to see her perform live, something I have honestly dreamt about for the last year and a half, I cant explain how excited I am for it!).
All of this is great, and its not that any of it is even THAT far away, Christ Im seeing Batman vs Superman on Friday (which is a DAY away) and even still I am impatient as all fucking hell to just get in and sit down to watch it!! I just wish I didn't have this building impatience or anxiety going through my bones these days, but then again in a matter of days I might have news that will literally change my life and lead to the end of all of this anxiety and fear, and open the door to my future.
No comments:
Post a Comment