Bright Hunger // A Body Origami

Ok, so Im only writing this in an effort to be more transparent with people, because right now I feel its better for me internally and personally to be open about what happened last night as opposed to keeping it bottled up inside and dwelling/worrying about it in my alone time.  This might not be easy to read, Im not sure if anyone will even read it, or even if they'll care (if they do read it) by the time they come to the end, but atleast if I have this up Im giving people the chance to maybe get an idea and know, because up till this point I haven't told really anyone EXACTLY what happened last night.

So in general I blacked-out coming out the bath, face-planted the floor and woke up to everything being numb where I called an ambulance, luckily one was nearby so they came round and stabilized me and let me know I had had my second mini or mild stroke.

Ok so this actually isn't the second time this has happened to me, its the third.
The first one happened last year, I want to say March/April time, I honestly cant remember but it was around a year ago; I dont even know who I told about that one either, like I know people I lived with knew, and I MAYBE told my partner at the time about it but Im not sure if I did out of fear of scaring her.  But yeah I had been out for a walk and felt sick the entire time, but I kept on going because Im an idiot like that maybe raking up another few miles and then went back to my room where I collapsed.  I remember being on the floor and having no idea what was happening but figured I was just being over-dramatic so forced myself up and went to try and wake up with water....I blackout fully on the bathroom floor.
It was then that my entire body went numb, my face went full stroke- it was drooped on one side and I could speak, I didn't know what was happening and I was scared beyond belief.  I had locked the door but thankfully my flatmate had heard me fall and came to the rescue haha.  I remember just flailing at the door lock trying to unlock it, I think I ended up locking and re-locking it over and over, but they came in and phoned an ambulance and from there it was easy.  I started to get more feeling in my face and body, by the time they turned up I think I was pretty much back to normal.  They had no answers for it at all, put it down to my diet (believe me, at the time thanks to the anti-depressants I was on, I was not shying away from eating haha!!), a few days later I went to the doctors where I was told that it was a "mini-stroke", and from searching myself thats another name for a mild stroke.

So about a month later, the second one happened that as far as I know I haven't told anyone about; it happened when I had chickenpox so it was either late May or early June, either way yeah the same thing happened again when I was brushing my teeth, I felt myself going, so I raced to my room and collapsed on my bed.  I dont remember much about this one, like I know I just lay there and let it all happen and didn't want to bother anyone; I figured it was just another freak accident so just go with it.  This one I know no one really knows about, I didn't go to the doctor after, like i said I just went along with it, let it take its course and be done with it.

Last night though, that was the worst, most scariest; I erm, so yeah I was getting out the bath and I just felt myself going, I stumbled to hold onto things to prop myself up but just couldn't and I went down to the floor, face-first and I had a seizure, everything went black but I could feel myself convulse, shake everywhere, with my head hitting the ground and limbs flying everywhere, it was seriously the scariest thing to experience.  I had music on so no one heard me go down (it was U2, "Last Night On Earth", I can remember that much), so no one had any idea what had happened.  I came to and sat up, I knew something was wrong but I forced myself up, forced myself to get dressed and somehow made my way downstairs carrying a glass, laptop (that sounds like Darth Vader btw *shinfo*) and clothes for laundry.  I was on jelly legs the entire time but again, being the stubborn...maybe stupid person I am, I forced myself because again I figured I was being over-dramatic.  I lay everything down and sat on the sofa and thats when the stroke actually happened; my entire body went numb and my face turned to pins and needles, I couldn't move a thing, and that included like my mouth, I couldn't shout for help or anything, I could just sit there mouth agape.  I started crying, the tears were rushing down my face because I honestly felt like I was going to die, I've always been scared of my own mortality, and I honestly felt that this was it.
Somehow, and I seriously have no idea how I was able to do this but I limped my hand over to reach my phone, slap the numbers 999 and call for an ambulance, thankfully there was one nearby so that came up and when they arrived was the first that any of my family in my house knew of anything being wrong.  They came and did the same as they did before (the first time); took the tests and concluded that they have no idea why this happened but thought that high levels of anxiety were most likely the problem and that yeah, it was another mild stroke (and a dislocated finger from the fall).

I need to be honest, this has all been running through my mind since the first one, my own health has been a concern of mines for a year now; I dont know whats wrong, if anything, with me.  I read up on strokes and I get scared, the causes are life-threatening, and frankly Im fucking scared.  This isn't something I talk about with anyone, people close to me know that I dont do that, I dont like bothering them with my own problems and want to do all I can for them.  Thats always been the way I do things, I am secondary to those that I truly care about.  This last day I've had people ask if Im ok, and firstly Im genuinely surprised that people care because if Im honest, I haven't felt like people have cared about me in a long time, and I dont think thats got anything to do with other people, more that I push them away from these aspects of me.  But anyway, I know that I haven't been myself 100% this last year, to people that I care about and you know who you are if your reading this, you know what I mean and you've most likely been a casualty of this whether its been me pushing you away, relying too much on you, being dismissive, or simply just not being my true self.  Im sorry for this, I really am, I've just been scared.  I've been scared that I could not be long here.

This post isn't to scare, or to get attention or to be all "woe is me"; I just want to be clear with this, be open and let people know, or atleast those that felt it necessary to open this page and read this, what exactly happened.  Anxiety has been playing a huge role in my life since August, and in this time its caused me to do things that I regret, caused me to lose things that I still have a hard time accepting, and its caused me to lose myself and not be who I want to be.  Its effected the relationship I had with my partner, its effected friendships, its effected my own self esteem too; and the worst thing is I dont think they ever knew WHY I was acting differently.
But again, this isn't me looking for sympathy, understanding maybe, more caring perhaps, but not sympathy.

To end on a high note Im seeing the doctor on Tuesday (hopefully, and then after I may just take a trek through to Glasgow to FINALLY get me a pair of cowboy boots) and we'll see what can be done about all of this.
Plans for moving to America are going, Im still really hoping for an October move, we'll see.  But for the time-being, Im gonna try and take of myself, if Im honest I'd like people to maybe throw some care my way, I dont know, maybe not care but understanding, and yeah, the good is coming, I know that, just need to take some bad things first.  You've got to earn that good, that light at the end of the tunnel.  If you want the best, you need to fight a little before you can win; and believe me Im a stubborn fuck thats not gonna lose this fight.