I can safely say I have, and frankly I have felt more at peace than I have in a long time; sure I still try and push myself to be doing something every second and go into slight self-hatred when Im relaxing because that time could be spent on doing something productive, but for the most part I have been able to find a balance of productivity and relaxation so to not feel too bad about it.
Tomorrow is THE biggest day though, the biggest challenge so far - I have an interview for a PC store job, and if I could have it, oh fuck it would make everything SO much better, so much more comfortable and money woes would not be a thing, atleast not until after my trip to New York.
But today doubt did creep along; I've went into interviews before and thought I had it, and that it was mines to lose sorta thing, and then left empty-handed and frankly down-trodden. So Im trying to to get too reliant on the idea of getting the job, and I mean money isn't gonna be that big of an issue, I'm taking on so much overtime at H&M that honestly Im atleast hitting my target of having $2000 within the newt few weeks, which then leaves another month or earning to bump it up more, so Im feeling alot more chilled about that aspect of it all. Though its really starting to hit just the magnitude of the whole trip, how much its going to mean to me; going to NY is something I have wanted to do for years, since I first saw the New York episode of The Simpsons when I was 7, I knew I wanted to go there and experience that place, now, in 51 days I will have this dream ticked off.
Thats not even mentioning the main reason Im even going, to see my incredible girlfriend Reva, a person who I had a crush on for two years and would stalk on as many social media sites as I could find - if someone had told me two years ago that we would be meeting each other in NY, never mind going together as a couple, I'd have laughed in your face. Now that its happening, now that I can look at my itinerary and see when I get in, see that its official that not only that Im going, not only that I get to experience all of the wonder that is THE city, I get to do all of this whilst being in her company, its super fucking overwhelming!
I have talked about the trip so much to people, to the point that I really dont want to because Im in fear of being 'that' guy that is trying to brag on the simplest things; I know a bunch of people that have been to NY, so I dont want to be all "HEY, I'M GOING TO A CITY THAT LITERALLY ANYONE CAN GO TO IF THEY WANT!!", but its all just a big deal to me and is more than just a holiday to New York.
Nowwwwww onto other things, mmmm with taking time for myself I have found myself binging on the WWE Network, reliving memories that I haven't had the chance to really in nearly 20 years; watching Big Boss Man and Steve Austin go at it, seeing Ken Shamrock lose it and Mr McMahon being just a dick to everyone, ahhhh memories!
Its been nice to just lie back, and watch some stuff, its aided in again keeping me relaxed, keeping me sane and its been nice to actually be nice to myself. I'm the person that is always there for everyone, I always am and I always will be. No matter the time, day, whatever, if someone I care about needs help I will be the first one at hand to do everything I can and the last to leave once I'm sure they are ok. I do this so much that I end up sometimes neglecting myself, and in turn I'm the one a few weeks later that is needing the help, but because of trust issues and me not wanting to burden people I go all internal and brood like Val Kilmer in a black panther suit!
*brood*
Now I am not disregarding helping people and I'm in no way blaming those that ask me for help, in fact Im the one who voluntarily goes out of my way to help almost every time, I guess I just need to remember that Im a person too, Im a person that has suffered depression before on multiple occasions, and so its ok to reward myself and almost acknowledge the help Im doing and how much I'm making a difference.
Mmmmmmm, oh in a mere 3 hours I'll be able to download the new Burn Halo record, an album I have been waiting for literally for 3, maybe 4 years; so I am beyond amped for it, though I'm also on the fence about it. I cant see it being everything I want it to be; I cant see James Hart sneaking a hidden cover track of "Tower Of Snakes" or having a track on it where I can hear the 18V influence, BUT all that said I am excited for it and as always, any new music from one of my favourite bands is always music to my ears (pun intended).
So with all this out there, with seemingly everything under control I think things, or hell life, is starting to shape up nicely for the first time in a long time - the next few weeks and months are where things honestly get fun. I'm trying to remind myself of that, remind myself of the fun of life and not let the shitty things get me too down.
You cant live that way, you cant live in fear of something bad happening.
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