The Importance Of The Moment Of Death

So things are starting to hit me, all thats to come, all that I need to work towards, all that I still have to do to ensure these things not only just happen, but that I make the most of them!

Today was my first day off work in 6 days, and really the first full day where I didn't have to be running around everywhere in probably 2 or so weeks; I've been running myself hard, grinding down and Im not complaining, I like life like that, I dont want to feel unproductive, but it was nice to just lie around today, relax and take a breath as it were.

The last week I have been working non-stop really, in short my work is short-staffed and everyone has started Uni again so me being the only one NOT at Uni, I've taken on any and all over-time, which works just fine cause I need the money!

Whats also been a nice change is that I feel appreciated at my job now, finally after a year and a bit, I feel like my talents are being used and they are starting to test me/get me ready for going for this promotion that would see me bumped up in hours, pay but most importantly in tasks and responsibility.
So this week I have been getting a taste and honestly, its much harder than I expected it to be; I realised that I cant just half-ass things now, if I want this and want to do the job justice, like really give it a fucking go and show that I am worthy of it, I'm gonna need to put in the hard work, the effort needed!

Its also hit me that I can now say "next month I go to New York"....next month....NEXT MONTH?!  Where the fuck has the time went, I feared that it would drag when I initially bought the ticket, but I wasn't prepared for things to go in the exact opposite way and go by so quickly that frankly its starting to panic me now.

Theres still so much I have to do; I have to get travel all sorted for the night, a place to get a shower in Glasgow before I head to the airport, my visa still, what to do with my phone and card, get money exchanged (if I need to), fuuuuuuuuuuuck, mucho stuffo!

Not to say this fear is overtaking the absolute fucking joy I feel every day that goes by - the quicker it goes by, the more excited I am for it all.  To see Reva's face for the first time, to hold her, all of that soppy stuff that Im not gonna pour out here because IMO theres a time and a place for that sort of stuff.  But I'm just so excited to be with her and get to enjoy the two weeks there with her and enjoy NY as a place too; it'll be my first holiday in so long too, so theres that aspect of it all too.

BUT apart from NY and my job, Im....erm, well, Im not really doing much tbh - everything Im doing is kinda all for that purpose.  Im working as much as I can for money, that money is for going to NY - frankly I feel like Im talking everyone's ear off about it, I mean I am super excited and all, but I hate hate hate being that guy that just goes on and on about the awesome stuff Im doing or gonna be doing.  Why?  Well honestly I see it as a case of when people are like that to me, unless its someone I care about and like, I just wont care, and hell why should anyone care about what Im doing?  It baffles me as to why anyone would be concerned with what I am doing - sure sure thats all rooted in low self esteem which I will admit to having in some aspects of myself, but I just dont know, I dont see why anyone would care about me going on holiday.  I know people genuinely do, and its appreciated, super appreciated for that matter, but I just dont feel like I deserve that amount of attention.

Im starting to be happy again, slowly but surely, with the help of the few people I do care about and want to talk to and spend time with, I am getting back to feeling good, or as good as I have done in the last few years.  I dont know, I just dont ever see myself getting to the point of happiness I had when I was in my mid-teens, where I was happy, content and lived my life carefree.  Maybe thats why things are harder now, maybe its just this thing called "life", or maybe its been 23 years and counting of horrible experiences that keep flooding me inside.  I dont know, but as long as I have people that I do care about and am willing to let me and be myself with, and willing to let myself be myself and not try and be someone I'm not or let myself get lost in the shuffle, I think things will only get better.

First its this promotion, then its New York and Reva, and then, well, I'll see...