The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Do

Two days ago I was so close to happiness, I felt it, I could taste it - I finally let myself embrace it all, all the good that I had coming to me.  This morning I lie here, tears in my eyes with none of it intact.

I split up with Reva, and just typing this is killing me, I loved her so much, I still do and always will, the last year of my life, getting to talk to her all day every day, getting to show her the affection I had always wanted to, to get to tell her how amazing she is - all of this, it made my day each and every time.  I knew there were problems, these were the problems that ended it, and sadly the majority of them were on my part.

I have lived with a barrier up my entire life, I've had experiences that have scarred me, I try and not dwell on them, I hide them because frankly, if I didn't I'd be a mess every second of the day.  I wear a smile, a fake one, and very few people have seen me without this masked joy.
I didn't open up, I wish I had, I always wanted to, I really did but I just couldn't - I was so scared that I would hurt her more, or scare her or make myself come across as too serious which is something I've lost people because of before.
However doing this only created an imbalance of trust, or at least the perception of it; Reva bless her heart opened up from the get go, she told me things that very few in her life knew about, she opened up and told me it all.  She had these same worries, these same insecurities but she still did it.  Every time she did this it meant so much to me, that she trusted me with this information, but I just couldn't return the favour.  Its not that I didn't want to, because I did and its not because I didn't trust her, because I always did and always have - I just couldn't risk losing her, scaring her away, and in the end, hiding it away from the woman that I loved with every inch of my heart, well it ruined it.

In short, I ruined a relationship with the woman I loved, with the woman I had loved for years behind the closed doors of myself, she was mines, she loved me, and I ruined it and for that, I will never forgive myself, never!

After a conversation last night we got everything really sorted out, we cant be together, this aspect of me needs to change and I need to stop self-destructing myself.  She told me no one will ever get to love me until I love myself, and she's so right - I dont love myself, I dont do what I should do to myself, my own happiness is secondary, others are the most important thing to me and I accept the bare minimum.  I cant live this way, not only does it hurt me deep down, this ended up hurting the one person in the world that I never wanted to harm, again I cannot forgive myself for this.  I cannot forgive myself for losing the woman that honestly, during the last year, we had talked about marriage, we had talked about children, 8 months ago we were sure we'd be together for the long run, we were sure this was IT.  Again, typing this is killing me, flashes of these conversations are flooding my mind and my soul, my heart aches thinking about them.  This ache will not dull any time soon, I know this and it scares me.

We're still staying friends, we still love each other, and dare I say it, I wouldn't say that this is the end of our romantic status; Im not saying that we WILL get together again, but I wouldn't be surprised if we did, our friendship was what blossomed first, that resulted in attraction, and even through the entire relationship, I never felt like I had to try, like it was never hard to talk to her, we had built this amazing friendship, this bond that is strong, so it wasn't hard to just talk to her, nothing changed really between what we talked about or even how we talked.  We still geeked about Eighteen Visions, we still talked about our mutual hates in the music industry, we both talked about our experiences in modelling, we talked about how we both desired to move away from our shitty hometowns and get to live our lives the way we both wanted and deserved to.

We're both on our ways to living these lives, only I think we both wished, and even maybe still do wish that it was with eachother like we talked about.

Now where do I go from here, what do I do?
Do I fall into a depressive state and hate everyone and everything around me?  I hope not.
Do I break down and dwell on how I ruined the best thing in my life over the last year?  Maybe.
Do I just end everything to dull the misery and pain?  I really hope it doesn't come to this.

What do I WANT to happen?  I still want to go to New York, I want to move out there permanently, I want to go there myself and live the life that I need to, that I've always wanted to.  I want to make sure Im happy, fuck I dont WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this, because as long as I sabotage all the good that I have, I will never be able to finally say to goodbye to depression, I will never be able to have a life.
Me and Reva are still friends, good friends and that makes me so happy, that I haven't ruined our friendship, to know she still loves me and knowing we both will always have that between us does bring some joy to me.  I dont like saying "never", like I said above I wouldn't be surprised if something happened between us again, when we're both free of the shackles of depression and other internal problems.  When we're both healthy and happy, I really hope we can revisit this avenue of our relationship, and I think she does too.
Seeing her with someone else will kill me, I know that, and even just thinking about it now is emptying my entire body, my insides twist, my soul drains.

But that is something I need to get over, and hey, I do plan on moving there as soon as I can, maybe 6 months time, and maybe this is the sadness taking over because Im now dwelling on the idea of getting her back so much.

So, what was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I just cancelled my flights, and that is what breaks my heart the most - to know that I wont be holding her, atleast not yet, not getting to experience that first moment of us seeing each other.  This is what is the hardest part of all of it, and Im going to end this entry in tears because honestly, no matter how much I talk about how excited I am for the future, or how glad I am that we're still friends, or how jealous Im going to be when/if she gets together with someone else, the fact of the matter is inside, Im just so sad.