So Young: Let's Chase Our Home // Broken: Day To Day

Its a Friday night and I'm being all wild....if by "wild" you mean lying around watching Jessica Jones then yeah, Im going fucking WILD!

Seriously though, I've never been a person for caring about which night was THE night to have fun, and hell to be frank Im in way too much pain to actually step out and do anything - and the "step" part is literal.
This entire day has been very much a push, I've been in agony alot this week, well more than this week but this week has been when everything has hit again - my back is worse than ever, my insomnia is simply out of control and my toe is officially broken again so walking/standing/putting any pressure or any weight on my left foot has become a hassle.  My back is the real problem, I mean its been a problem for years and years, but in recent months/the last year its become just so bad and now its permanently effecting my legs, like the pain is now just in my legs as much as its in my back.

*Im writing this and that Nic Cage gif is going off on a loop and its the most distracting thing in the damn world!!*

But yeah, today has been a very pain-filled day, I think I got a total of 3 hours sleep (2am till 5am); my eyes are so tight just a constant source of pain, I can feel the tendons at the back just straining. Because of this constant lack of sleep my face has broken out and I feel like Im a pair of braces away from looking like a pre-pubescent 12 year old!

This all goes back to the idea that I cant relax, no matter what I just cant, I dont allow myself to - for example today even though every step I took made me wince in pain, and I was in tears multiple times, I forced myself to walk for 3 miles because I felt I needed to do that to somehow deserve a day of rest - which is fucking ludicrous!!
Even writing this I am in so much pain just sitting here typing out my innards...ok that just sounds gross.

Oh yeah and I ate an entire pizza earlier, so Im KIIIIIIINDA hating myself right now, even though I know I look fine and anyway, I am sure I'll end up working out tonight (even if its such a stupid idea). so I'll work it off easy enough.
Still, I mean, I should have better self control, shouldn't I?

I wanna say "oh but more posi stuff" but honestly, today atleast Im not sure theres much positive stuff going on - I mean for some reason I've started to really stress about the move, starting to doubt I can do it.  Last night my Mum (drunk as usual) spouted off "we'll see if you even make it to New York" and I dont know, it shouldn't effect me but fuck that just pissed me off but at the same time struck me with so much fear, stress and doubt that I have been overthinking everything since.
But then its these types of people, these fucking people that are willing to sit in their rut and put down other people when they want to do something big, its these people I need to get away from.

I dont talk about family on here much, but I'll just say it now, honestly and brutal - I hate my Mum, I hate my sister and the second I move, I plan on never setting eyes on them again.  That idea, it just brings a smile to my face.

Ok ok ok, wow things are getting bummed-out right, fuck what is all that about - suddenly Im feeling super positive, real time and everything.  You know what, fuck what people say and think; I KNOW I am going to move to New York, I KNOW I am going to get a job with a H&M there and work my way up to be a manager, I KNOW I am going to finally see all the bands I've always wanted to, and I KNOW I am going to get the life I want.

One of the worst things just now though is that people around me seem to be in bad places, whether its health-wise or just general internal things; I hate all of this, and just wish I could do more for them, I really really do.  I wish my help wasn't just limited to Facebook messenger; I truly wish I could do more; but I read something this week that was pretty awesome, like it was along the lines of be appreciative of people that are there for you because people that genuinely care are hard to come by - something like that I cant remember, but it totally just, I dont know, I thought it was pretty cool.

One thing I have been able to do today though is cram in some Jessica Jones (the new Marvel Netflix series); Im not sure if people know it about me, but Im a major dork when it comes to comic book TV and film stuff, so this has had me super amped for weeks now.

Seriously this show is so damn good, if your in need of a new show to binge, pop this sucker on and enjoy!  Not gonna say anything, dont wanna spoil, but man oh man, its like no other Marvel show/film/short out there, its rough, dark, creepy and theres a hint of some Krysten Ritter side-boob...

Mmmm so what else is there going on just now...oh I'm so fucking happy this week-off can finally end on Monday so I can get back to work, can get back to earning money and in general just get back to doing stuff!!  I've been a boring bleh all week, doing anything to keep myself sane, though on reflection I dont think I succeeded and I think I probably should have taken more time to relax and rest up my ailing bones instead of pushing myself further like I think I did.

Either way once I get back to work thats when Christmas kicks in and I work pretty much constantly for the next 6 weeks or so which Im actually really stoked on; its money, its something to do but its also just a fun time of year, I personally love Christmas, or well no let me say that again, I love the BUILD to Christmas, my favourite day is Christmas Eve, the music, the lights, the atmosphere is awesome and makes me kid-like again.  The actual day though, URGGGGGGHHHH I fucking hate it, mainly because I hate my family and having to spend a day with my drunk of a Mother and brat of a sister just gets too irritating by noon...

I also got in a few gig tickets this week; a week on Sunday I hit Stray From The Path and the week after that I head back to Glasgow to see Ash for the 7th time, who are always just a blast live and never fail to make me feel like a 10 year old listening to "Goldfinger" for the first time.

Erm yeah Im also thinking alot about my whole modelling deal, since I did that final thing maybe a month back I've had this real sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing.  I hated doing that and the timing was fucking horrid too, but the whole thing just made me dislike it all; how the whole thing was based around who would wear the least, who was willing to wear the most leather, and I dont know.  I feel like its a cliq that are all kinda creepy, I dont know I just feel weird seeing these young females having to parade around in literally nothing in front of these old, fat, sweaty men.
And the thing is, the final products this so-called "agency" pumps out aren't even all that great, I've worked with amateur photographers that have gotten better images out of it all (or maybe thats just cause Im a sexy beast).

But yeah, Im not sure if Im gonna continue doing it; I might take a little break just now, maybe take it up again once I move, hopefully the NY scene is a lot less creepy or maybe Im just gonna focus on working outwith the pro's.

Right, I think thats enough rambling, I am glad I was able to get more out though, mostly health stuff, cause I dont know what people know and what they dont; the last few months have been very very weird when its come to my health (arrhythmia scares and such) BUT yeah, its good to get it out there, good to again be writing more and take more weight off my back, which is at the end of it all, what this blog is all about.

Well that and posting really silly reaction gifs...

I Think I'm Bored With Myself // Doubt

Trying to stay stimulated and get thoughts out that have been growing, swallowing and multiplying in my brain for days now.

I dont think I've ever addressed a real-world matter ever on this, this has always been nothing but a facet for my inner thoughts and feelings, I personally try and avoid news and anything related what is happening in the world, reasons being I dont feel all that connected to what is perceived as "news" and I feel that the world is show in such a negative way via the news, simply because the good side of things (anything) are never looked at.
But this whole Paris thing has been something that I cant escape - Im not sure why, I mean I do feel myself becoming more adult-like and taking an interest in this stuff; its a major happening too, or atleast just now is being presented that way and almost as the start of a new World War.  Honestly though, I think a big reason is because of social media, everyone seems to have an opinion and everyone "cares"...maybe its the cynic in me, but I just dont know if people really care or if they, as fucking terrible as it sounds, if they are fishing for what seems to be the new gold standard in social standings -'likes'.
I see so many people share these posts that they feel so bad, that they care so much, that they are praying for Paris; are they?  Are they really grieving?  Do they even fucking understand what the people over there are feeling just now, and more likely than not, dont give a flying fuck if someone has superimposed a transparent French flag over a shitty selfie or not?!
Now Im not saying everyone that is grieving is doing it through desperation to be SEEN like they care, but these people are the one's doing it in private, not posting insipid remarks about how much THEY are hurting and how badly its effecting THEM; but these are the people sharing news and information on the matter.  Ugh, in any event its a truly horrible happening, I just dont know if people "care" as much as they'd like their Facebook to show.

But thats my rant over, and honestly I feel slightly scared about what I've written, Im not out to offend, atleast not those that I really care about (you'll know who you are if your reading this, simply because I talk to you...all like 5 of you haha!  And even then, those I have either spoken to about it and they agree or they haven't been those posting the things Im talking against so, I agree with them 100% and their stances), and hell maybe its me being cynical but damn I just dont like the places people will go, the low's they will stoop-to to get some form of gratitude or sympathy on some form of social media.  Its one of the reasons I'm starting to get really sick of it again, I'll be honest, if I didn't use the messenger to talk to the 3 (sometimes 4) people that I do, I probably would be far away from it at this point. Its just so toxic and so pretentious and does more harm to my happiness than good.
But then I've put myself in a place now where I only really get genuine joy speaking/interacting/caring about maybe, again a handful of people.

But but off all of that, Im in a more positive place in my life (for the most part), so Im not going to allow something as trivial as Facebook effect my mood and change the smile on my face that I've worked hard to get back.
Whats been going on with me, well I've still been working pretty damn hard, like going super hard, grinding away for that money, planning things out for my move, setting dates and trying to prepare myself mentally for it (that isn't taking long, what with me wanting to fucking leave this place yesterday!!).  Not to be ~that~ dude and go on about my job, but this past week we had a top area person come in and inspect us I guess you could say, and what the result was was that Im now seen in their eyes (the area team) as the hardest working person in the store and the best one at my job.  So thats pretty fucking awesome, why, well of course the more higher-ups that love me, the more good words can be said about me.

So what else, oh yeah I've started dabbling in not shaving, growing some face fuzz, and the comments Im getting are actually pretty fucking awesome; like at work I had some random woman tell me that I looked "absolutely fantastic", but Im not sure if it was the facial stuff or if it was because I was wearing a lowcut tee...

Either way, I am feeling much more confident in myself, in how I look mostly and for the few that I've opened up about that aspect of my depressions, they'll know its a big part and a big problem I've battled for a long time, perhaps I always have.  But I dont know, I think doing this somehow has helped me feel more comfortable in myself, again I think Im slowly finding myself again or atleast the next evolution of myself.
For the longest time I was in this place where I was stuck between being a child and being an adult; I wanted the adult things, but kept this child-like mindset too much of the time that it stopped any real progress.  In this time I feel like I dumbed myself down alot too to appease others and to just keep out of the way; if I was only there to provide laughs then that was good enough by me, it would get me through Uni faster and with less hassle.  Now though, after months of reflection and future plans/ideas and just in general trying to find myself and my smile again, I think I've found myself in this more adult-like place - Im 23 now, there are things that I want now that I didn't even a few months ago.  I know what I want in life, or what I'd like and what Im willing to work hard for.

Man this is alot of writing, or atleast it feels like it, but fuck it this is for me; one amazing thing I have been just LOVING so much right now is music, just fucking music!!
For so long I felt distant from music, lost and like I had exhausted my tastes and was at a loss at what to listen to next.  I really did, I spent most of this past Summer listening to podcasts and movie/TV show scores and just didn't know what to enjoy - now though, oh man an entire new door has opened and taken me into this world of alternative and mellow sonics that just soothe my soul and work on my emotions like nothing has before (or atleast not since I first discovered Eighteen Visions' 'Vanity').  This world of music, unappreciated bands that tour their asses off, not making much money but doing it because of their love and passion for music, it just strikes some cord with me and Im hooked!!

Bands like Bandit (above), Triathlon, Kitten, The Videos, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Slow And Steady, The Shoe, Ivadell, Tape, Wax Idols, Bearhead + Tape Sounds, It Looks Sad., and hell I could go on, but I wont, go listen to any and all these bands and you will not be dissapointed!!
This isn;t to say I've strayed from my love of the heavy; right now Im downloading the early Throwdown stuff from when Keith Barney was on vocals (or voKills), man he fucking really does kill it!  So talented, yet so so unappreciated these days (that entire era of heavy music is, and its a damn tragedy).

Ok, its quarter to 1 now, and I still need to brush my teeth and reapply more post-shaving balm because after a shave my face looks haggard as hell, but this was a good load off of the chest as per.
Every word typed out is like a small weight off of my back.

I Hope This Moves You // I've Forgotten What I Was Sad About

So I'm here trying this thing called "relaxing"...and I hate it!

Its something I've been told by literally everyone around me; that I need to give myself a break, that I need to detach myself from working hard atleast once in a while and learn to have some fun, do something that I want to or hell, just do nothing and recharge.  I'm one to tell everyone around me to take time for themselves, I'm always telling people I know to take things easy, to recharge, and Im always probably very forceful about it too.  Its something I really do believe in, life is to be lived, so enjoy it, look after yourself too and make sure your not too haggard to enjoy life in all its splendor.
But when it comes to me, I just cant do that, it feels weird for me, it always has I guess - I've always been taught or had the mindset thrust on me from when I was very young that you should work work and work some more, no matter how your feeling.  This goes for everything, for example with school I took days off ill very very rarely, I remember going to school on days where I was shivering the entire day with a fever, or being sick, I remember taking a chunk out of my knee and having my full leg bandaged up, only to go to school again the next day in agony.
In College I was run down by a speeding car on the way there, if I was literally one step ahead more the car would have smashed me and I dont even want to think about what would have happened; but I got up, bleeding and bruised to hell and walked the mile to College, heh, only to find out no one would show up, so was sent home (another mile back to the bus stop, and when I got home, I instantly got changed and went to work).
It even stemmed to Uni, one day I was feeling off, my stomach and back were in so much pain and so I thought "its just a mindless little pain, lets do some sit-ups...", and when that didn't help I decided to sleep.  I woke up to find the pain was worse, so I tried forcing myself to sleep again until finally calling for help and being taken to the hospital to find I had a rupturing appendix.  I had been doing sit-ups with a rupturing appendix earlier that day, and I was told that if I had fallen asleep when I had tried the second time, that I wouldn't have woken up, and if I hadn't of went to the hospital within the hour I would have lost consciousness and again not have woken up from it.  But what happened, still, this happened on I think the Tuesday night, I had surgery on the Wednesday evening and got out on the Thursday afternoon...I was in to Uni the Friday (hunched over like the dude from Notre Dame) and I did what was most likely the WORST presentation ever haha!

*file photo of said presentation*

I just dont rest or take it easy I suppose is the tale, so right now Im trying to break this stupid mindset, its silly and only leads to really bad outcomes and more often than not, more pain, either in the form of exhaustion or physically (both of which are happening right now for me).

But this post isn't about being negative, Im done with that stuff, reading back on some of my last posts and its hard to read - I was clearly in a bad way!
Now though, like more than anything, Im motivated and excited for all that can come to me, all that Im willing to take from life.  I haven't been this motivated in for as long as I can remember.

Again I've been doing so so much thinking, not as much reflecting either, but thinking, plotting my points for the future.  I feel like I've been a slave for the last few years, doing things that I haven't wanted to; hell with Uni, I knew from honestly, maybe a week into it that it wasn't for me, that I was never gonna be 100% into it because I just didn't care and was way out of my league.  But I busted my ass and got through and yeah sure Im proud but I dont know, graduation meant little to me, I didn't surround myself with classmates and hugged and cried about how I wasn't gonna be seeing 98% of them ever again.  I didn't tell everyone how much I was gonna miss them, fuck I didn't even try and soak it all in so I could tell the tale years later.  Honestly, I went, I got given my certificate, I said my well done's to a few, handed over my cloak and was home before most people had even left the hall.
I just didn't care.

I mean I've since realised that I can use aspects of it to my advantage, with the sort of jobs and roles I'm going for in H&M, the only places I can advance to are more management roles now, so I can use what I learned and push my degree as more of a Production and Management piece as opposed to a Games one, so with that I feel it can totally help me in that aspect, again its another piece to help me with transferring.

Talking of transferring, its getting more and more real, but more and more scary; but if it wasn't scary, it wouldn't be worth doing now would it?!!
The visa side still scares me honestly, I know what I could apply for but I honestly dont know enough to be able to say which one I would get - all I know is that I've been told I would be eligible for one with a transfer.  I wish I knew more, for peace of mind but thats a path I'll cross nearer the time, no matter what I am going over for atleast 3 months next year to experience it all and with that, I can go job hunting and hopefully get a clearer view on things if I haven't already by that time.

But happier and more positive things - in 5 days I get to go see Every Time I Die in Glasgow and I am so so stoked, the only thing that would make me more excited is if I was seeing them the next night too...oh wait, Im doing that too!
Then heading to London the week after for 4 nights in a row of them in small shitty venues...fuck I cant wait!  I cant wait to be surrounded by my own people again, gigs and shows are what I thrive on, I need it in my blood.  Thats something I want to cram in more, that for me is "me time", if Im not working and Im gonna relax, a gig, a show or a modelling shoot is what I want to take up my time.  Or well I shouldn't sound so anti-social, I do love catching up with peeps, thats something I want to do more of in the next 4 months before I leave; I feel I've neglected that part of life for a long time, mainly because I didn't allow myself that time and any time I did have I almost tried to thrive off of one person, which was not fair on either of us.
Sooooo, more time for me, more time doing what I want *cough* gigs *cough*, and its good timing cause winter here in the UK is the only time we get a good solid schedule of shows going on!  In the next month, along with the 6 ETID shows, I have Ash and Stray From The Path, so all of that is getting me so siked on life again.

So apart from the whole relaxing thing I've been talking about for what seems like FOREVERRRR what else is going on, well like I've already said Im feeling so motivated just now, so positive and I just want to get out there and grab life by its fucking horns and get all I can out of it!!  Oh one thing I've started to do is embrace Facebook, like not to worry about what people think or say on it, not to worry about likes or anything like that and to have fun on it like I used to.  Social Media is supposed to be fun after all, too many people take it way too seriously and in general care more about it than they do their real life life.  Fuck it, Im gonna post music now, Im gonna post some selfies if I want, just have fun cause thats what lifes about.

On a more somber note the drummer for one of my favourite punk bands died earlier this morning, which sucks, the whole situation was so sudden, and even though I kinda fell off from the band, I have still been in an almost stunned headspace over the last few days because of the news.
Teenage Bottlerocket were one of the first real punk bands that I got into, and when their record in 2008 came out, when I was obsessed with Fat Wreck because of their ties to Rise Against, Anti-Flag and Sick Of It All, I was so into it and them!
He deserved better, but if nothing else he will live for far longer through the music and the punk scene that has rallied around him, his family and band mates so much over the last few days - I said it a few nights ago, but seeing this side of the punk community always makes me love the sense of family that is so fucking strong when you become part of the punk world.  RIP Brandon.

But I think Im gonna end this now, maybe I'll go back to trying to relaxing, maybe I'll stick on a film or maybe a Netflix show, I really want to like the Scream show but I just cant bring myself to tolerate the shitty acting.  Maybe I'll watch some more Simpsons, maybe I'll do none of that and try and force myself to play a game....pffffft we know thats not gonna happen!!