Seriously though, I've never been a person for caring about which night was THE night to have fun, and hell to be frank Im in way too much pain to actually step out and do anything - and the "step" part is literal.
This entire day has been very much a push, I've been in agony alot this week, well more than this week but this week has been when everything has hit again - my back is worse than ever, my insomnia is simply out of control and my toe is officially broken again so walking/standing/putting any pressure or any weight on my left foot has become a hassle. My back is the real problem, I mean its been a problem for years and years, but in recent months/the last year its become just so bad and now its permanently effecting my legs, like the pain is now just in my legs as much as its in my back.
*Im writing this and that Nic Cage gif is going off on a loop and its the most distracting thing in the damn world!!*
But yeah, today has been a very pain-filled day, I think I got a total of 3 hours sleep (2am till 5am); my eyes are so tight just a constant source of pain, I can feel the tendons at the back just straining. Because of this constant lack of sleep my face has broken out and I feel like Im a pair of braces away from looking like a pre-pubescent 12 year old!
This all goes back to the idea that I cant relax, no matter what I just cant, I dont allow myself to - for example today even though every step I took made me wince in pain, and I was in tears multiple times, I forced myself to walk for 3 miles because I felt I needed to do that to somehow deserve a day of rest - which is fucking ludicrous!!
Even writing this I am in so much pain just sitting here typing out my innards...ok that just sounds gross.
Oh yeah and I ate an entire pizza earlier, so Im KIIIIIIINDA hating myself right now, even though I know I look fine and anyway, I am sure I'll end up working out tonight (even if its such a stupid idea). so I'll work it off easy enough.
Still, I mean, I should have better self control, shouldn't I?
I wanna say "oh but more posi stuff" but honestly, today atleast Im not sure theres much positive stuff going on - I mean for some reason I've started to really stress about the move, starting to doubt I can do it. Last night my Mum (drunk as usual) spouted off "we'll see if you even make it to New York" and I dont know, it shouldn't effect me but fuck that just pissed me off but at the same time struck me with so much fear, stress and doubt that I have been overthinking everything since.
But then its these types of people, these fucking people that are willing to sit in their rut and put down other people when they want to do something big, its these people I need to get away from.
I dont talk about family on here much, but I'll just say it now, honestly and brutal - I hate my Mum, I hate my sister and the second I move, I plan on never setting eyes on them again. That idea, it just brings a smile to my face.
Ok ok ok, wow things are getting bummed-out right, fuck what is all that about - suddenly Im feeling super positive, real time and everything. You know what, fuck what people say and think; I KNOW I am going to move to New York, I KNOW I am going to get a job with a H&M there and work my way up to be a manager, I KNOW I am going to finally see all the bands I've always wanted to, and I KNOW I am going to get the life I want.
One of the worst things just now though is that people around me seem to be in bad places, whether its health-wise or just general internal things; I hate all of this, and just wish I could do more for them, I really really do. I wish my help wasn't just limited to Facebook messenger; I truly wish I could do more; but I read something this week that was pretty awesome, like it was along the lines of be appreciative of people that are there for you because people that genuinely care are hard to come by - something like that I cant remember, but it totally just, I dont know, I thought it was pretty cool.
One thing I have been able to do today though is cram in some Jessica Jones (the new Marvel Netflix series); Im not sure if people know it about me, but Im a major dork when it comes to comic book TV and film stuff, so this has had me super amped for weeks now.
Seriously this show is so damn good, if your in need of a new show to binge, pop this sucker on and enjoy! Not gonna say anything, dont wanna spoil, but man oh man, its like no other Marvel show/film/short out there, its rough, dark, creepy and theres a hint of some Krysten Ritter side-boob...
Mmmm so what else is there going on just now...oh I'm so fucking happy this week-off can finally end on Monday so I can get back to work, can get back to earning money and in general just get back to doing stuff!! I've been a boring bleh all week, doing anything to keep myself sane, though on reflection I dont think I succeeded and I think I probably should have taken more time to relax and rest up my ailing bones instead of pushing myself further like I think I did.
Either way once I get back to work thats when Christmas kicks in and I work pretty much constantly for the next 6 weeks or so which Im actually really stoked on; its money, its something to do but its also just a fun time of year, I personally love Christmas, or well no let me say that again, I love the BUILD to Christmas, my favourite day is Christmas Eve, the music, the lights, the atmosphere is awesome and makes me kid-like again. The actual day though, URGGGGGGHHHH I fucking hate it, mainly because I hate my family and having to spend a day with my drunk of a Mother and brat of a sister just gets too irritating by noon...
I also got in a few gig tickets this week; a week on Sunday I hit Stray From The Path and the week after that I head back to Glasgow to see Ash for the 7th time, who are always just a blast live and never fail to make me feel like a 10 year old listening to "Goldfinger" for the first time.
Erm yeah Im also thinking alot about my whole modelling deal, since I did that final thing maybe a month back I've had this real sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing. I hated doing that and the timing was fucking horrid too, but the whole thing just made me dislike it all; how the whole thing was based around who would wear the least, who was willing to wear the most leather, and I dont know. I feel like its a cliq that are all kinda creepy, I dont know I just feel weird seeing these young females having to parade around in literally nothing in front of these old, fat, sweaty men.
And the thing is, the final products this so-called "agency" pumps out aren't even all that great, I've worked with amateur photographers that have gotten better images out of it all (or maybe thats just cause Im a sexy beast).
And the thing is, the final products this so-called "agency" pumps out aren't even all that great, I've worked with amateur photographers that have gotten better images out of it all (or maybe thats just cause Im a sexy beast).
But yeah, Im not sure if Im gonna continue doing it; I might take a little break just now, maybe take it up again once I move, hopefully the NY scene is a lot less creepy or maybe Im just gonna focus on working outwith the pro's.
Right, I think thats enough rambling, I am glad I was able to get more out though, mostly health stuff, cause I dont know what people know and what they dont; the last few months have been very very weird when its come to my health (arrhythmia scares and such) BUT yeah, its good to get it out there, good to again be writing more and take more weight off my back, which is at the end of it all, what this blog is all about.
Well that and posting really silly reaction gifs...
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