So I'm here trying this thing called "relaxing"...and I hate it!
Its something I've been told by literally everyone around me; that I need to give myself a break, that I need to detach myself from working hard atleast once in a while and learn to have some fun, do something that I want to or hell, just do nothing and recharge. I'm one to tell everyone around me to take time for themselves, I'm always telling people I know to take things easy, to recharge, and Im always probably very forceful about it too. Its something I really do believe in, life is to be lived, so enjoy it, look after yourself too and make sure your not too haggard to enjoy life in all its splendor.
But when it comes to me, I just cant do that, it feels weird for me, it always has I guess - I've always been taught or had the mindset thrust on me from when I was very young that you should work work and work some more, no matter how your feeling. This goes for everything, for example with school I took days off ill very very rarely, I remember going to school on days where I was shivering the entire day with a fever, or being sick, I remember taking a chunk out of my knee and having my full leg bandaged up, only to go to school again the next day in agony.
In College I was run down by a speeding car on the way there, if I was literally one step ahead more the car would have smashed me and I dont even want to think about what would have happened; but I got up, bleeding and bruised to hell and walked the mile to College, heh, only to find out no one would show up, so was sent home (another mile back to the bus stop, and when I got home, I instantly got changed and went to work).
It even stemmed to Uni, one day I was feeling off, my stomach and back were in so much pain and so I thought "its just a mindless little pain, lets do some sit-ups...", and when that didn't help I decided to sleep. I woke up to find the pain was worse, so I tried forcing myself to sleep again until finally calling for help and being taken to the hospital to find I had a rupturing appendix. I had been doing sit-ups with a rupturing appendix earlier that day, and I was told that if I had fallen asleep when I had tried the second time, that I wouldn't have woken up, and if I hadn't of went to the hospital within the hour I would have lost consciousness and again not have woken up from it. But what happened, still, this happened on I think the Tuesday night, I had surgery on the Wednesday evening and got out on the Thursday afternoon...I was in to Uni the Friday (hunched over like the dude from Notre Dame) and I did what was most likely the WORST presentation ever haha!
*file photo of said presentation*
I just dont rest or take it easy I suppose is the tale, so right now Im trying to break this stupid mindset, its silly and only leads to really bad outcomes and more often than not, more pain, either in the form of exhaustion or physically (both of which are happening right now for me).
But this post isn't about being negative, Im done with that stuff, reading back on some of my last posts and its hard to read - I was clearly in a bad way!
Now though, like more than anything, Im motivated and excited for all that can come to me, all that Im willing to take from life. I haven't been this motivated in for as long as I can remember.
Again I've been doing so so much thinking, not as much reflecting either, but thinking, plotting my points for the future. I feel like I've been a slave for the last few years, doing things that I haven't wanted to; hell with Uni, I knew from honestly, maybe a week into it that it wasn't for me, that I was never gonna be 100% into it because I just didn't care and was way out of my league. But I busted my ass and got through and yeah sure Im proud but I dont know, graduation meant little to me, I didn't surround myself with classmates and hugged and cried about how I wasn't gonna be seeing 98% of them ever again. I didn't tell everyone how much I was gonna miss them, fuck I didn't even try and soak it all in so I could tell the tale years later. Honestly, I went, I got given my certificate, I said my well done's to a few, handed over my cloak and was home before most people had even left the hall.
I just didn't care.
I mean I've since realised that I can use aspects of it to my advantage, with the sort of jobs and roles I'm going for in H&M, the only places I can advance to are more management roles now, so I can use what I learned and push my degree as more of a Production and Management piece as opposed to a Games one, so with that I feel it can totally help me in that aspect, again its another piece to help me with transferring.
Talking of transferring, its getting more and more real, but more and more scary; but if it wasn't scary, it wouldn't be worth doing now would it?!!
The visa side still scares me honestly, I know what I could apply for but I honestly dont know enough to be able to say which one I would get - all I know is that I've been told I would be eligible for one with a transfer. I wish I knew more, for peace of mind but thats a path I'll cross nearer the time, no matter what I am going over for atleast 3 months next year to experience it all and with that, I can go job hunting and hopefully get a clearer view on things if I haven't already by that time.
But happier and more positive things - in 5 days I get to go see Every Time I Die in Glasgow and I am so so stoked, the only thing that would make me more excited is if I was seeing them the next night too...oh wait, Im doing that too!
Then heading to London the week after for 4 nights in a row of them in small shitty venues...fuck I cant wait! I cant wait to be surrounded by my own people again, gigs and shows are what I thrive on, I need it in my blood. Thats something I want to cram in more, that for me is "me time", if Im not working and Im gonna relax, a gig, a show or a modelling shoot is what I want to take up my time. Or well I shouldn't sound so anti-social, I do love catching up with peeps, thats something I want to do more of in the next 4 months before I leave; I feel I've neglected that part of life for a long time, mainly because I didn't allow myself that time and any time I did have I almost tried to thrive off of one person, which was not fair on either of us.
Sooooo, more time for me, more time doing what I want *cough* gigs *cough*, and its good timing cause winter here in the UK is the only time we get a good solid schedule of shows going on! In the next month, along with the 6 ETID shows, I have Ash and Stray From The Path, so all of that is getting me so siked on life again.
So apart from the whole relaxing thing I've been talking about for what seems like FOREVERRRR what else is going on, well like I've already said Im feeling so motivated just now, so positive and I just want to get out there and grab life by its fucking horns and get all I can out of it!! Oh one thing I've started to do is embrace Facebook, like not to worry about what people think or say on it, not to worry about likes or anything like that and to have fun on it like I used to. Social Media is supposed to be fun after all, too many people take it way too seriously and in general care more about it than they do their real life life. Fuck it, Im gonna post music now, Im gonna post some selfies if I want, just have fun cause thats what lifes about.
On a more somber note the drummer for one of my favourite punk bands died earlier this morning, which sucks, the whole situation was so sudden, and even though I kinda fell off from the band, I have still been in an almost stunned headspace over the last few days because of the news.
Teenage Bottlerocket were one of the first real punk bands that I got into, and when their record in 2008 came out, when I was obsessed with Fat Wreck because of their ties to Rise Against, Anti-Flag and Sick Of It All, I was so into it and them!
He deserved better, but if nothing else he will live for far longer through the music and the punk scene that has rallied around him, his family and band mates so much over the last few days - I said it a few nights ago, but seeing this side of the punk community always makes me love the sense of family that is so fucking strong when you become part of the punk world. RIP Brandon.
But I think Im gonna end this now, maybe I'll go back to trying to relaxing, maybe I'll stick on a film or maybe a Netflix show, I really want to like the Scream show but I just cant bring myself to tolerate the shitty acting. Maybe I'll watch some more Simpsons, maybe I'll do none of that and try and force myself to play a game....pffffft we know thats not gonna happen!!
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