So yeah, things are good, of course Im not in New York just now like was planned, but frankly part of me is glad, right now Im actually really badly sick; I have what Im assuming is a chest infection, and Im actually coughing up blood, not to mention the usual insomnia and fuck my back is so so so jacked!! If I was in NY, no matter who I was with or what we were doing, I'd be n agony and wouldn't really be able to enjoy the time I was there...and I'd probably be moaning too so Reva would have hated me by the end of it all haha!
But Im writing tonight because today at another SLOOOOOOOOW day at work, I was thinking and thinking, half talking in my head, half actually just talking out loud because there was no soul around to hear, and I was just thinking about me. I've wrote here a bunch about how I'm not myself, I dont feel like myself, hell I dont know who I am; and yeah yeah that fucking sucks, I mean it really does but I think I've came to another I suppose piece of why I dont know who I am, like I've spent the last I dont know, years and years and YEARS of my life in situations where I didn't feel 100% comfortable. Like my interests just dont match or mesh with really anyone else here that I know - I get on with people and I love the folks that I can and do talk to, but honestly, I just cant be 100% myself in any of those conversations.
My main interest is music, music and fashion and really everyone I know just doesn't hold either of these as "passions" like I do; I cant go to a friend, face to face mind you, and just talk about music or fashion, if I could I'd feel alot more open, alot more like I could be "me". But I cant.
Thanks to my Uni course and the friends I amassed from it, their main passions are just that, games and things in that realm - which sure, I like, well actually no, actually no I dont.
Lets set the record straight, I dont like games anymore, frankly I couldn't care less about games anymore, I dont give a fuck about them. I haven't done for what, maybe a year and a half.
For the last 6 years I've had to fake an interest in games, I've had to sit around people, people who alot of the time I suppose I considered friends, and just listen to them talk about this game and that game and agree or whatever, but inside all I was thinking was why am I here, I just dont care one damn bit!
I think I just lost myself in this, just accepted it and maybe forgot what it was like to be in a conversation fully, to enjoy a conversation with another human and to embrace it. I think thats a huge reason why I gravitated to Reva, and cherish her friendship so much; because she is the kind of person I enjoyed talking to every day, because I felt included. We talked about things that genially interested me; I wasn't sitting there nodding in agreement whilst the cogs of my brain were somewhere else, and hell I could talk to her about things I had wanted to talk about for years - we talked about Eighteen Fucking Visions!! You have no idea how fucking badly I have wanted to talk about 18V, for 4 years they are all I've wanted to talk about but no one I turned onto them liked them or would listen, then here's this amazing chick that is covered in 18V ink and is in the same boat, wants to talk about those Fashioncore fools, and other bands that stemmed from them, or were related, or similar and fuck, music in general!! Its why I cherish her; she's a person that I can be myself around, I dont need to hold back, I can just talk and talk to for hours and enjoy it, because theres so many similarities, good and bad, but they are there and its really good to talk to someone that has the same ideals and views and interests and just mindset as you do.
Now I dont want to discredit my friends here, Singher, the Deviant, Dziek, Tommy, theres more, but these peeps, I can talk to and enjoy it so much too, I can talk to about certain facets of myself and can feel for the most part, comfortable, but Reva and in reflection New York in general, it just seems like a place where more people are there that are like-minded.
So what else, well I head down to London in a few weeks for a whole bunch of Every Time I Die shows and dang it I am so stoked! Seriously, its the break that I really really need just now, I am exhausted to high hell, Im working basically every day, and the days Im not, Im still doing these stupid tasks that take up way too long. Going to London will be a nice 4/5 day break, then back to work and the Christmas season will jump in and I will most likely be working literally every day for like 6 weeks haha, which sucks but will mean more money, sooooo its all good by me. Thats another thing I wanted to touch on, even though its not that long till I plan to head over, honestly, it feels like every day is just dragging, Im starting to flat-out hate time and am now doing things that deliberately take up time just to waste it. All I'm doing these days is working to gain money to leave, and it just gets frustrating because everything feels like its taking so damn long. I want to be in New York yesterday, and I want to just get there and work my ass off! Live in a small, one bed apartment, no TV, just a record player, my laptop and the streets of New York to explore at night after a day's work. And maybe a bunch of shows every week too ;)
As a close off, I suppose I am just excited to start my life again, I want to dust off the last 6 months of weird depression, and get over to New York and almost start over on my own. I want to explore what I want again, for example tattoos, I want to get a band together, even if its just a shitty cover band, I want to get on stage and scream my lungs out atleast once.. I want to be able to just walk the streets of Brooklyn, or Manhattan, or New York City, or hell, any area of NY, I just want to be free again. Free of the shackles of depression, of the feeling of being unwanted and an outsider, free of everything and just be able to go for life!
Also, I want to make Bobby and Jim from BlackCraft realise how fucking rad an Eighteen Visions BCC tee would be!!
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