I just dont know, I feel disconnected, but happy at the same time - I feel like Im getting closer to being "me", but also feeling doubt whether I am. Its weird, Im in a weird place, times I can be feeling so motivated, so enthusiastic and ready to take on the entire world in a fight and walk out the fucking victor; but others I just feel like collapsing into a wreck, into a heap and just crying my soul out.
I feel like every post I've written in the last few weeks its been all positive and all about how I'm gonna take over the world and all that; and yeah sure that aspect of my life is the main goal and the most prominent I guess, its the part that Im most focused on anyway. But I feel I have sugar-coated the other side, and I'll admit the other side has seen its fair-share of action.
Its overwhelming, simple as that; doing all of this at once, having all of these realizations, all these revelations about me and my life, I can honestly say that in the last 3 weeks I haven't really slept, I haven't rested, I haven't let go of all of this at all. Which ironically was what was a problem for me initially, that I couldn't rest up and let go. I dont like being this stressy mess, but my brain, my gears have just been on overdrive for the last month and I cant stop them. If its not going to New York its a modelling shoot, or its speaking and hanging out with people, or its writing on here, or its setting up my trip for London, or its trying to force myself to rest (which as stated above, fails each time), or I'm overthinking my entire relationship and friendship with Reva. My heads not getting a chance to rest up, either is my body and its really taking its toll; last week I had a short doctors appointment and they actually called me a "physical mess", my body is broken effectively. My underarms and chest are badly pulled, my back is really badly jacked and is now moving to my neck, my insomnia is back and as bad as ever and I'm now getting these headaches and passing out a fair amount of the time too. I was told to try and rest, but I just cant, I cant do that just now, thinking about it its most likely because if I stop, I will end up dwelling on all the bad that I've been bringing up from my entire life - so to stop that, I just push myself all day and night till I end up passing out for a few hours at night.
I know Im not in a healthy state, really in any way you look at it; Im not physically in a good state, and mentally I feel very unstable, Im jumping from this motivated wrecking ball to this schlep thats got no feelings anywhere inside. Today I used my whole "be myself", not holding back and I actually was able to get another doctors appointment and asked about seeing a councilor and had a small session there. I hope this is something I can get sorted soon and can get these regularly, I've had these in the past and I always end up neglecting to tell everything which just leaves things unsaid and unresolved. But again thats this whole not being able to trust and blah blah I've talked about that enough that Im actually getting sick of just thinking it! Its just so fucking irritating when I think of how much that has effected me for so long!!
So what else, mmmmm, even though I am overthinking things and it maybe isn't the healthiest thing to do, its making me come to peace with alot more - for example I've come to peace with the break-up, I've come to peace with my insomnia, I've come to peace with my aches and pains. Me and Reva could never have worked, if we had went to NY it would have been a great two weeks but then after, when she was gearing up to move there, I'd still be trying to get the money to do the same. In the end we'd just have broken up anyway because no matter what, no matter how much we love eachother, or how much we care for the other, no matter how much the other means to us; the distance was always going to be a problem. It always is, no matter if its just a few hours or a few thousand miles - if you cant be right there with the person you love, if you cant support them and hold onto them and show them the affection they deserve, no matter how much you want to, you NEED to: if you cant, the relationship will crumble.
This way atleast, sure theres more risk in it for me, but Im not going with her being the ONLY reason Im going, no now Im going for myself, now heck yeah the chance to be around Reva and the potential to revisit the romance properly is one hell of a reason and driving force of why I want to go; but THE reason is for me, to get away from my toxic environment and live the life I deserve and have dreamt of since I was a child.
It all still hurts, and everything new is still so scary to me, by fuck its scary, but I need to do this, because I know its worth it and its what Im supposed to do. Maybe in the process maybe I just need to give myself a break more, maybe not workout to the point of constant pain, or maybe let myself indulge in eating every so often.
This is all still the road to rebuilding myself; its not a smooth path, there will be more dips and bumps, but where this path leads to...damn its gonna be so beautiful.
Sean
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