I've lost count of how many times I've watched the above video in the last few days, I just cant help but 100% relate to every word thats said.
Im not saying this in a fangirl way or a sycophantic way either, yes this is Keith Buckley and is the lead singer of one of my all-time favourite bands. Yes I admire his language and lyrical substance, but I am not forcing myself to have a connection to this 3 minute YouTube video because of this. No I watch this and everything that is said hits me so hard right now, because its where I am in my life.
In essence what is being said is that he realised that he isn't the person he thought he was, but because of something inside of himself, an ego, he told/forced himself to continue on. To be a person that he just wasn't anymore. "I didn't really like myself, or anything that was going on".
This is exactly what I am going through right now, and have been for so long but now I find myself where he did, I find myself in a situation where I want to break away from being this "person" that I am perceived to be and to start being me, the person that I want to be. I want to be true to myself.
Right now I am this guy that, I dont know, is seen as the "funny" one, this guy thats seen as being super sarcastic and a loner and in general a guy thats just super dark and that hates everyone and everything. That was true...years ago, this was true 3 years back, when I first broke out of my shell, when I first found myself in this world of goth, glam and the darker side of music. I would never smile, and I would rarely talk and would be this arrogant prick.
Now however, that just isn't me, hell down to things like how I dress; I've spent years garnering this collection of rare t-shirts, band and brand logo's that were 1/300, or 1/100 pressed, or whatever and paying out the nose for these things just because I didn't want to look like everyone else, because I was THAT arrogant that I had to be different.
I dont want to be that dude anymore; I'm not that goth I never really was but now I can safely say Im not. I dont know how you'd genre me quite honestly, I dont think you can, and that is more than fine with me. Im just a normal dude, I dont need these extravagant graphics or to have a shirt that only 300 people own in the world. That gives me no joy anymore, for a long time it did but not now. I want to use that money for more important things; I wanna save it for New York, I want to use on necessary items, hell I want to be able to use it to treat friends and show them how much I appreciate them.
And thats another thing, friends - Im not someone that wants to have the same perceived social-life as The Crow, no I actually want to spend time with people, I want to be able to just chat with people for hours and hours. Theres nothing wrong with that is there? Again before I was more of a loner, happy with my own surroundings and wanted to keep everyone out, now though, no way, lets let some folk in, lets let these people in and have some fun. Life is all about fun after all, isn't it, isn't life not about making the most out of every opportunity and occurrence, good or bad, and building from there?
I dont want to dislocate myself from every aspect, for example the funny element of myself, the joking part of me is still a strong one; that is still very much me, I am still attracted to the feeling of making people laugh of smile. I'm still good at it if Im honest, its something thats came naturally to me really since I was very young - I have always been the funny one, the one that made jokes (not to be confused with the "prick" of the group who'd do all the vandalism and stuff alike), I grew up on comedy TV and comedy all around me in forms of family members all hitting the same age range.
My comedy "skills" (if you could call them that) are something that I pride myself on, making people laugh is a hard thing to do, and so to be able to do it without really feeling like Im deviating from myself whilst doing so, its a great thing.
That all makes me sound maybe a little arrogant, and believe me I dont want to be like that, but rather I want to have confidence and I want to start being able to acknowledge what Im good at and just the bare fact that I am good at it. That is a very hard thing to do, to tell yourself and truly believe that you are GOOD at something. Society tells us that if you think your good at something, that your being a dick, that your being egomaniacal. Thats so wrong, by those standards we should walk around telling ourselves that we're sub-par at everything; there is zero wrong with knowing your good at something, having confidence in yourself and your abilities. There is obviously a line where when you cross it, you tread the ground of being arrogant, when you put others down and start comparing yourself to others and under-minding them, then yeah thats being arrogant and thats when you develop an inflated ego, which never ends well, just a longer drop when you eventually fall from your pedestal.
Its a difficult thing to do, trying to get back to the core of yourself and basically build from scratch again, its daunting but its also very necessary and the pay-off is more than worth it (I imagine). I've started to show glimmers of this new ideal, yesterday at work my Boss started asking me questions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do; before I would have held my tongue and said what I thought she wanted to hear, but yesterday I figured why hold back. Doing that only led to myself standing in my own light, you get over that and your already on such a better path. So I told her what I thought, all the thoughts that had been bubbling inside for weeks and months; I told her how I am starting to become complacent, I told her I feared I would become irrelevant if I stayed in my same position, and I told her I wanted more. I got it, she agreed with me and gave me what I wanted, she promoted me to frankly a level that I never imagined I'd get so quickly - I'm going to a position that is seen as a back-up to the Managers, and will start having responsibilities similar to a Manager. I've seen people in the past get these and moan and complain, but damn, for me having that trust and knowing that I am at such a high level that they want me to do certain important things, thats the fucking grail for me!
So where do I go from here? Honestly, I dont have a plan, internally I mean, I know my plan is to get too New York and that is happening, the desire for that is stronger than ever before! But getting there is more than merely getting a flight, Visa and an apartment; getting there is my fresh start, a new go-around. Every time I post on this, every day I think about everything, I get closer and closer to the answer; gaining spiritual inspiration from The Secret, having a resurgence of my faith and beliefs, making sense of all whats happened over the years and WHY it happened, every piece joins together and Im getting there. My psyche is being rebuilt every second of every day, sure there are lapses, sure there are breakdowns but each one of them then brings something new to my attention and something new to look at and make sense of. Rome wasn't built in a day, so the mind might take a little longer, but I am more confident than ever that I'm gonna get there, not only on my own but with the support of friends, I know that soon enough I will have control of myself again, not fearing if how I am behaving is true to myself, not even having to think about it because I will know it is.
The real Sean will be uncovered, and after he is the world will no longer be scary and full of fears and regrets. It will be a place of true happiness, with no more internal dishonesty or dark corners of doubt.
Sean
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