So yeah, erm I dont really know where to start here; I dont know how long Im gonna have this, I mean I know what I want to write out, I just dont know how far I can explain it all, because frankly Im still trying to make sense of it all.
For the longest time my health has been an issue, its been something that has genially worried me for a good year and a half, two years - my body has felt like its been breaking down limb by limb, bone by bone every single day. I cant remember the last time I felt 100% comfortable and painless, there always is some sort of physical pain going on with me.
*deep breath* Ok so yesterday I found out a few things, so lets take the first and most serious one first...I found out I MIGHT have a heart problem. Theres nothing certain just now, but tests are being done, but the doctor told me that with my symptoms that he wouldn't be surprised if there was or wasn't a problem.
For a long time I have been blacking out, I mean years, but last year it would have been, I ended up having a really bad one which was described as a "seriously bad faint" or a "mini stroke"; my face went numb, my mouth was drooped and I couldn't speak or move, I remember it still and it freaks me out so much!
The ambulance came and looked over me and there really was no reason for it to happen, they were confused and kinda just chalked it up to just a thing that happened.
This happened again back in May, though this time I felt it coming on and I was able to rush to my bed and not collapse on the bathroom floor like before.
Along with these, I still get just usual blackouts, where I just like drop and wake up with no idea whats going on and this taste of copper in my mouth. All of this scares the fuck out of me, add on headaches, the insomnia and lack of energy, lack of appetite and then you can add on chest pains, palpitations, tightness there too: I've been feeling like I've been having a full-blown panic attack for nearly 3 months now!!
Im trying to remain positive here with all of this, Im fucking scared but theres a chance that theres nothing wrong, and even if something is its most likely arrhythmia which from what I understand is pretty manageable,
I dont know, its just something thats been on my mind for so long and I've told no one, I've let the worry build up inside and I suppose now its bursting the dam-walls.
Recently the chest pains and thumping's have become more and more prominent, and constant too, I feel myself being in serious pain with it for most of my active day.
Now onto the next, which is still pretty damn serious, but I also found out that again, I MIGHT, have a herniated disc(s?) in my back.
My back has been jacked for so long, years even, like I can literally pinpoint when all my back pain started, back when I was maybe 16 and someone tackled me from behind; it was all fun and a laugh till the next morning I couldn't walk, and this continued on for a good month. Since then I've had episodes of this again, just without the actual initial impact, just waking up and ending up being crippled for weeks out of the blue. Now my back isn't in a state where its only really bad for a few weeks, but has now been just a dull problematic pain for months, and again the doctor felt around and told me he wouldn't be surprised with something like that is whats up.
So I kinda dont know what to do with myself, add on generic aches and pains too (stretched underarm and chest muscles, busted knees and ankles), I'm just a mess right now, I dont know what else to say about it all - Im scared but trying not to dwell on it too much, trying to stay positive until I atleast get 100% results back and not just hanging on what the doctor thinks.
Plus Im just trying to keep my head above the water, not to sink under; again lapses in posi-ness do happen, some days I am just a pissy-bitch, but for the most part, as long as I understand and can rationalise everything I see, do, and think about Im fine and can live through my days.
Moving to New York is still on, and every week and paycheck it becomes more and more real! I just need to get a little help through the process, its super daunting and I just want to make sure I do it right; but its still a go-go and is needed more now than ever!
But now Im starting to really hurt, the base of my back is starting to really fucking stab and Im getting super tired and my breathing is like increasing my back-pain even more.
Im gonna chill out, or well workout then chill out, BUT the aim of everthing for me right now is to stay positive, drive myself to New York, get away from my family here, my job of fuck-wits and this life that has been tailored for me to fit the needs of a previous me, and not my current and growing self.
Sean
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