I dont think I've ever addressed a real-world matter ever on this, this has always been nothing but a facet for my inner thoughts and feelings, I personally try and avoid news and anything related what is happening in the world, reasons being I dont feel all that connected to what is perceived as "news" and I feel that the world is show in such a negative way via the news, simply because the good side of things (anything) are never looked at.
But this whole Paris thing has been something that I cant escape - Im not sure why, I mean I do feel myself becoming more adult-like and taking an interest in this stuff; its a major happening too, or atleast just now is being presented that way and almost as the start of a new World War. Honestly though, I think a big reason is because of social media, everyone seems to have an opinion and everyone "cares"...maybe its the cynic in me, but I just dont know if people really care or if they, as fucking terrible as it sounds, if they are fishing for what seems to be the new gold standard in social standings -'likes'.
I see so many people share these posts that they feel so bad, that they care so much, that they are praying for Paris; are they? Are they really grieving? Do they even fucking understand what the people over there are feeling just now, and more likely than not, dont give a flying fuck if someone has superimposed a transparent French flag over a shitty selfie or not?!
Now Im not saying everyone that is grieving is doing it through desperation to be SEEN like they care, but these people are the one's doing it in private, not posting insipid remarks about how much THEY are hurting and how badly its effecting THEM; but these are the people sharing news and information on the matter. Ugh, in any event its a truly horrible happening, I just dont know if people "care" as much as they'd like their Facebook to show.
But thats my rant over, and honestly I feel slightly scared about what I've written, Im not out to offend, atleast not those that I really care about (you'll know who you are if your reading this, simply because I talk to you...all like 5 of you haha! And even then, those I have either spoken to about it and they agree or they haven't been those posting the things Im talking against so, I agree with them 100% and their stances), and hell maybe its me being cynical but damn I just dont like the places people will go, the low's they will stoop-to to get some form of gratitude or sympathy on some form of social media. Its one of the reasons I'm starting to get really sick of it again, I'll be honest, if I didn't use the messenger to talk to the 3 (sometimes 4) people that I do, I probably would be far away from it at this point. Its just so toxic and so pretentious and does more harm to my happiness than good.
But then I've put myself in a place now where I only really get genuine joy speaking/interacting/caring about maybe, again a handful of people.
But but off all of that, Im in a more positive place in my life (for the most part), so Im not going to allow something as trivial as Facebook effect my mood and change the smile on my face that I've worked hard to get back.
Whats been going on with me, well I've still been working pretty damn hard, like going super hard, grinding away for that money, planning things out for my move, setting dates and trying to prepare myself mentally for it (that isn't taking long, what with me wanting to fucking leave this place yesterday!!). Not to be ~that~ dude and go on about my job, but this past week we had a top area person come in and inspect us I guess you could say, and what the result was was that Im now seen in their eyes (the area team) as the hardest working person in the store and the best one at my job. So thats pretty fucking awesome, why, well of course the more higher-ups that love me, the more good words can be said about me.
So what else, oh yeah I've started dabbling in not shaving, growing some face fuzz, and the comments Im getting are actually pretty fucking awesome; like at work I had some random woman tell me that I looked "absolutely fantastic", but Im not sure if it was the facial stuff or if it was because I was wearing a lowcut tee...
Either way, I am feeling much more confident in myself, in how I look mostly and for the few that I've opened up about that aspect of my depressions, they'll know its a big part and a big problem I've battled for a long time, perhaps I always have. But I dont know, I think doing this somehow has helped me feel more comfortable in myself, again I think Im slowly finding myself again or atleast the next evolution of myself.
For the longest time I was in this place where I was stuck between being a child and being an adult; I wanted the adult things, but kept this child-like mindset too much of the time that it stopped any real progress. In this time I feel like I dumbed myself down alot too to appease others and to just keep out of the way; if I was only there to provide laughs then that was good enough by me, it would get me through Uni faster and with less hassle. Now though, after months of reflection and future plans/ideas and just in general trying to find myself and my smile again, I think I've found myself in this more adult-like place - Im 23 now, there are things that I want now that I didn't even a few months ago. I know what I want in life, or what I'd like and what Im willing to work hard for.
Man this is alot of writing, or atleast it feels like it, but fuck it this is for me; one amazing thing I have been just LOVING so much right now is music, just fucking music!!
For so long I felt distant from music, lost and like I had exhausted my tastes and was at a loss at what to listen to next. I really did, I spent most of this past Summer listening to podcasts and movie/TV show scores and just didn't know what to enjoy - now though, oh man an entire new door has opened and taken me into this world of alternative and mellow sonics that just soothe my soul and work on my emotions like nothing has before (or atleast not since I first discovered Eighteen Visions' 'Vanity'). This world of music, unappreciated bands that tour their asses off, not making much money but doing it because of their love and passion for music, it just strikes some cord with me and Im hooked!!
Bands like Bandit (above), Triathlon, Kitten, The Videos, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Slow And Steady, The Shoe, Ivadell, Tape, Wax Idols, Bearhead + Tape Sounds, It Looks Sad., and hell I could go on, but I wont, go listen to any and all these bands and you will not be dissapointed!!
This isn;t to say I've strayed from my love of the heavy; right now Im downloading the early Throwdown stuff from when Keith Barney was on vocals (or voKills), man he fucking really does kill it! So talented, yet so so unappreciated these days (that entire era of heavy music is, and its a damn tragedy).
Ok, its quarter to 1 now, and I still need to brush my teeth and reapply more post-shaving balm because after a shave my face looks haggard as hell, but this was a good load off of the chest as per.
Every word typed out is like a small weight off of my back.
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