Ok that sounds heavy and super serious; frankly apart from the usual insomnia, lack of taking things easy and some pain I'm actually going really really good.
The week has been a bit of an eye-opener at places sure, but not just in a negative or bad way.
I hit a gig on Sunday, which the days leading up to it I was really stoked and amped for, I was really looking forward to it but when the day came, if Im honest I lost any and all enthusiasm - it almost felt like such a chore.
I get there, the weather is horrid but still I try and keep posi; I like Stray From The Path after all, they kick ass and I've never seen them before, even though I've wanted to for years...it should be great!
Well then the gig came, Im in the venue and honestly the turn-out is pretty piss poor, which can be expected thanks to the weather and the fact that it was a Sunday night show but fuck, I honestly expected more than the MAYBE 100 that were there in the what-seemed-like huge gaping venue.
The supports played their little sets, they were good enough but they had such a weird attitude; they spent half their sets bad-mouthing the fans that did show, and then the other half they spent telling us how much they appreciated us being there, then right back to calling us "fucking cunts"!
I dont know, that put a sour taste in my mouth, but in general I felt disjointed from the entire show; the bands, the fans, the atmosphere of the whole place, I was there but felt so out of place. This has been happening alot lately at shows I've been at in the last few months, gradually growing and growing to the point that on Sunday, I was lost.
Why? The biggest reason is probably my growing hatred for the Scottish fans, the people that go to shows now; its one of two types of people that are there. You either have these 12 year old pre-teens who are there to get pissed, show off their new hair colour and maybe give some "lucky" drunk dude a handy behind the venue during set-up. Or your one of these old 40-50year old dudes that are there again just to get pissed and start fights.
Then you have me, all I thought about was how I reminded myself of Davey Havok; the glamest dude there, not there to drink or score with some drunk chick, but there to enjoy the music and the show.
If Im honest, I kinda see myself taking a bit of a break from shows for a few months, on top of all of that, its become such a hassle to go to them and such a big expenditure that really I just question the entire time if its really worth it.
This Sunday I have Ash in Glasgow which Im ecstatic for, those guys always kill it, it'll be my 7th time seeing them but after that, Im free till February and I think Im gonna keep it like that.
Thats all the bad part, but there is a good part to all of this, the good part is that that night, as I lay in the hostel room filled with another 4 guys, 3 of which were snoring (and so I got 70 minutes sleep *yay*), but I lay there awake just thinking and picturing myself on stage: what I'd wear, how I'd act, what I'd sing, covers, songs I've written. I lay there and these images flashed through my head and its just re-lit my desire to become a frontman again and to try and get some kind of band together. This'll probably have to wait till NY though, since I doubt theres been an influx of interest in a metalcore band around me here since the last time I searched.
This is just where the good starts though; I've 100% decided that no matter what, no matter if I have a definite job or not, I am going to New York in March, even if its just for two weeks myself, Im going over!
If I have a job waiting for me, I'll be going over for good, if there isn't one yet, then I'll go over and get a feel for the City and actually arrange meetings with those over there who I can sort out work and stuff with. Flights and stuff will be sorted nearer the time, but yeah, this is something I've mulled over for a long time but finally decided on it.
Also this morning I found out that Im gonna be heading to London in February for what will be my first gig of the new year to see Greg Puciato's new side-project play a special one-off show - super mellow, super chill, synthy as hell, gonna be fucking awesome!
Sooooo what else is there, oh at work Im actually getting so much love that I kinda dont know what to do; everyone in management likes me for the first time ever and most days Im now the #2 when working, which is pretty damn cool.
I feel like I talk about my work and job alot these days, honestly its all down to the fact that I can feel myself making a difference now, and getting some recognition for my hard work. I've never had pride in my job, no matter which job it was, I just never really cared and would probably put in little to no effort the entire time. But now, I find myself actually WANTING to go further, to run and get that prize at the end of the line. Like, I can feel myself being trained and groomed for a manager's position, I really can; I can feel myself growing in the role, going higher and higher, and dare I say, putting in that effort every second I can so I can get just that little bit higher on the ladder. Of course a very big reason for all of this new found motivation is down to trying to impress as much as possible to reflect better on my transfer, but still, I dont know, Im really enjoying my job and everything it entails....apart from the 8am delivery shifts I guess, having to be up at half 5 in the morning isn't exactly my favourite thing.
I think thats me all caught up; in general things are pretty good and I have a clear mindset of where Im going as the new year turns, a quick little trip to London, then off to the States for a few weeks atleast (hopefully more), and most importantly the whole move/transfer ramps up the second the clock strikes 12 on the 31st of December.
I have great people around me, both here and further afield, and as things start getting fun in life again, these people will be rewarded for putting up with my moans and groans over the last 6 months.
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