Its no secret that this year has been up and down for me, but the most important thing is the now, and the future. I feel this year has been somewhat a trial, a build up of sorts for next year, next year is when everything for me gets going, when I get out of this place, move to the place where I belong to and I get to live the life that I want to be surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded by.
Right now I am in probably the best place I've been in all year; I find myself internally growing stronger and stronger, I'm surrounded by these amazing people and whats more surprising is that I feel like I deserve this - Im not pushing these people away or hiding myself from them. Thats a big reason for this whole blog, to just let all out and let anyone, everyone read and know me, what makes me tick.
I truly feel at peace with myself, and that is something that hasn't been present very much over the last 52 weeks.
I told myself so much over this last year that I was ok, that I was going to be fine; I was lying to myself and to everyone around me, and if Im honest I think alot of people knew. One of the biggest things to happen this year was everything that happened with Reva; breaking-up sucked, but the worst part was that I wasn't able to talk to my friend anymore, I felt so distant from someone that meant so much to me. This feeling of distance was inside of me for the last few months of our relationship too, but I was too blinded by exhaustion and probably delusion to admit it.
But now, like I said I am in such a more stable place, and I can honestly feel the good in me, and to top all of this off Reva and I have started talking more, it feels good to be talking to her again, getting to know more and more about her, and being able to answer back to her with my own experiences and such as opposed to hiding away and only asking questions like before. Not only with Reva, but with Singher, I feel like Im more responsive to her and that Im not just being a moany bag of glam - Im being a good friend! The Deviant, the dude I've known for fuck, maybe 17 years, yeah he's like the dirtiest dog in the league but he does it with so much passion you cant fault him!
In general relationships and friendships are going great and are at the forefront for me for the first time in a long time; my family still suck but thats another problem entirely. And fuck it really, I mean I dont really feel at home, I've felt homeless for months now, hell maybe a year even, I dont feel related to my family really, I am shunned down for doing nothing, and then when I try and do something and act "normally" I am told to go and do nothing because I dont live here, so how can a person win? BUT that really is the only downside to my life right now, like it really is, with so much good on the horizons, this is really the only bad thing going on and even then its something I can shut out with constant working and hiding myself away in a dark corner of a free room.
With the end of this year it means the start of a new one, and this new one is where all will take shape; my hard work and what seems like constant shift-work will pay off, my putting up with shit from work, my dwelling in a place where I feel uncomfortable, it all pays off because next year is the year I WILL move away.
First I take a trip to New Mexico in the first few weeks/months of the year, I finally get to meet and spend time with Reva, which will be something else, I cant even describe how much I am looking forward to it - its something I've wanted to do for near 3 years now, and its been the only thing on my mind for an entire year.When we first lock eyes, its gonna be unreal.
Then a few months later Im taking her to New York for a few weeks for the trip we were supposed to have back in November; then after that, well then I move there indefinitely I hope. Its gonna be hard, tricky but Im ready for it, so let's do it baby!!
This also means this year I'm gonna do my best to see and spend time with anyone that wants to see me before I leave, so yeah if anyone wants to hit me up (if you're reading this).
Now this whole move, theres more to it than going and seeing someone, no matter how important they are, at the end of the day you need to be doing it for yourself just as much atleast as you want to see this person, and thats the case. Im stuck in a dive town, spend most of my time in a dive city, in a dive country that I've explored pretty much as far as I want to, I've been everywhere I want to go in Scotland and the UK, I've done all I could want to do. Im bored here and need a change, and I want to do what I've always wanted to, go where I want to, but Im sure I've said all of this before soooooo...
As for other good things, I've started turning my job sort-of into a career in this last year; I went from being someone that was there for a few hours a week to now being really the one redeeming aspect of the store. This isn't me stroking myself off either, our store does poor numbers, makes little money or little compared to what we should be making - the only positive comments that have come out of the last two visits management have made have been me and my work ethic, Add on that Im being trained up more than anyone else, and its just kinda cool to feel like Im going somewhere, and that I can use his to leverage into another job at another store....somewhere...that I might be moving to...that I haven't went on about a gazillion times already.
So what else; I realised that I kinda hate Christmas this year, or no, more that it just doesn't phase me and that I'd actually prefer that people didn't spend their money on me. There's better things they can use it on than buying me a piggybank or a scarf; no matter how good they are, and how much I DO appreciate them, they dont need to. But then again I get stoked on getting others things, so maybe Im just being an ass.
I've talked the past, the present and future, so I guess thats all that can be talked about; in general things are good, maybe great, and I want to continue this feeling. I'm so excited for whats to come, so much good is on the way - this last year I struggled with money, and what I did have I had this stupid appearance-thing that I needed to buy so much stupid clothing because, now though I have money and Im gonna do things I've always wanted to. It starts with New Mexico in a mere few weeks.
I cant wait!
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