I was contemplating not writing anything tonight, I might not after this simply because after hard work, after a very calming and thought-provoking few months I have found myself in a place where I dont necessarily feel like I need this anymore; I dont feel like I need to get every thought out of my head, because really, they aren't that bad anymore and those that I do need to extinguish I am comfortable and confident in the people around me that I can simply tell them.
This week has actually been really really good, after last week's frankly, shitty experience at the Stray show I was feeling pretty bummed, but immediately following the show and the rest of the week picked up and now, a little over a week from that point and I feel like such a resurgence has taken place. The future is looking so fucking awesome, and so Im here like "meh"; I could go on about broken bones and things, buuuuut thats boring and a well-driven fact, soooooooo I figured Im gonna just go on about music for a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If you know me you know I love music, I live for music, I breath music, everything about me is music: I'll be in a conversation with someone and randomly say out lyrics, and if I dont you better believe theres a track going through my head waiting to burst out!
Right now Im smashing through and exploring Atreyu, a band I've always been interested in and wanted to get into, but for some reason or another I just never did; right now, a few albums in I have to say, I really am on the fence - their older stuff is really fucking rawkin and Im digging that so much, but as they progress Im really just seeing them turn into maybe a heavier Avenged (who I cant fucking stand), so yeah, their newer stuff is really kinda meh, BUT like I said, their older stuff is off the hook!
Ok as I keep listening to these dudes Im really not liking the vocalist...ugh, I really want to like them but it just sounds too much like the sort of stuff I hate, mmmm maybe I'll just need to let it digest.
But this year HAS been incredible for me music-wise, its been the year where I feel my horizons have truly opened and let so much in, I've been like a sponge and soaked up so so much music this year from different genre's, different years, different projects, just so much!
I LOVE snyth music thanks to this year; bands like Depeche Mode, NIN, Cold Cave and 90's U2 have gotten so into this sort of music, then add in new things coming from bands like Tape and Triathlon and hell you have a crazy amount of old and new in this style.
If Im honest, whilst this love have been growing this year I have been worried I would lose my image of liking heavier stuff; thankfully I haven't lost this passion for that style, frankly if anything I've become more attached to it!
My favourite album ever, Eighteen Visions' "Vanity" has became more than just an album I love, but a record I have constantly going through my head, the lyrics, the riffs, the tones and just the overall feelings it gives off, the harsh and broken love that just oozes from the album is always pumping through me.
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Ok Im gonna pause this right here, I started writing this this morning but because of work I stopped half way and was to finish later; welp I come home to a horrid, unlivable environment...again.
I've said it before, but my mother is a drunk, a literal alcoholic and as you can imagine this makes living in close quarters with someone like that very uneasy, especially when drinking they tend to blow everything out of proportion and cause arguments over things that are trivial at very best.
So I come home from working, and cause my boss is a total dweeb I couldn't use discount on something my Mum wanted so she'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it instead, and this then caused my Mum to go WAY off the handle, and to start blaming ME for doing something wrong because in her mind and words, Im a horrible person.
Now, because of something that was out of my control, I am the bad person and am being punished with verbal abuse - for something so fucking stupid! I spend my daily life, without exaggeration, being openly told that Im unwanted, that I'm a failure and will not amount to anything, that my job isn't a real job, and so on and so forth.
I feel bad for how I feel about my Mum, I feel bad when I tell people I hate her, I hate my family, I really do - I hate that the idea of moving away and never having to lay my fucking eyes on her drunk self gives my the biggest grin possible. But it does, it all does, once I leave this place, I dont want anything to do with her, no matter what; I know her impending death is coming, with the drinking and smoking it cant be all that far off, and knowing this, and having known this for years now...I can honestly say it doesn't phase me or do anything to me, I just dont care what, or when it does happen to her.
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*sigh*
There that is, it wouldn't be a blog post if there wasn't some ounce of anger...
Ok, so back to music, erm yeah I did start feeling that I was losing my grip on heavier stuff; for the majority of the Summer and Autumn I was blasting nothing but 90's U2, their more electronic phase which is fucking out of this world, it really is - if you dont like U2 I still would say give it a shot cause so much of it is catchy as a damn cold!
But as time went, as the months wore on I found myself getting comfortable with where I was in life, and in turn I felt better about what I was listening to - I no longer had these guilty pleasures, I wasn't embarrassed about anything I listened to: whether it was some deathcore or pure 90's cheesy pop!
Having this feeling of freedom did, has done and still does have such an impact on me as a person and my life. Being comfortable with what is flowing through my head, through my veins, its one less thing to worry about and another element that I can be secure with myself about. Insecurity is a big problem for me, and I think this insecurity in what I like to listen to sometimes has always been there, I've always felt hindered at times.
Right, so some of the best this year; as is probably very obvious my year hasn't been spent listening to only new releases, the exact opposite actually, I've delved more into the past than ever before and I've discovered so much good stuff its crazy!
Like I've said, U2 from 91-97, I've already been through this so I dont want to be a broken record (music joke, BAM!) but I go super into Depeche Mode again, into other records than "Music For The Masses", I still gravitated to their more darker and moodier stuff but still jumping to other records opened more of them, which led to other bands alike.
My biggest discovery though was the record label Broken Circles who have seriously just run wild with releases this year, each and every one being as fantastic as the last. Bands like Bandit, Ivadell, Slow and Steady, Nest, and the most importantly Triathlon are all just incredible and have all released these records that fuse so many different genres into this one, American Indie sound that is clearly being crafted by bands full of young musicians that just full-on love music and are doing the whole thing for passion, not the fame or money (and unfortunately they dont seem to be getting either, which they do deserve).
In general, my tastes have been expanded greatly but truthfully, the one band that caused this to happen was the band that I have been a fan of since I was 3, the band who's song "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" was the first song I ever liked according to family. Its been a good year for music, not just because of this but also recommendations from others; for the two years previous to this one I had my tastes manipulated and broadened by one of my flatmates' more softer tastes, and this year I had another great person in my life bring in new elements of both heavy and softer music. Bands like Metric, Circle Takes The Square, Unearth, Blacklist Royals, and much much more.
Now as the year winds down, and so does this blog because it feels like its been going on for AGES, I look back at the music and release that even though I felt like had fallen away from music at times and lost "it" and even found myself in a rut, I really do still rely on it so much, more than I rely on anything or anyone.
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