20:55 // Wristslitter

Another day, and another mood swing!

I'm here and I'm feeling pretty gnarly (the bad way), my foot is throbbing so hard, walking sucks to the point I've became numb to it and kinda accepted its gonna suck so just continue with it.
I have a headache which is coming and going, and I have had this really bad pain in my back for WEEKS now...in short I am in so much pain!!!

With this pain its actually changing my mood and just making me feel so fucking angry, which makes me feel even worse cause I start hating things that aren't even bothering me, but because it takes away from this crippling physical pain it becomes more prominent.

I'm trying not to let it get to me though, because I know there are so many other people out there going through MUCH worse, and honestly, apart from this pain I dont have anything else really to bother me.
I have a great job.
I have money again.
I have great friends.

And the biggest thing to happen to me since Saturday, this morning I got an email 100& confirming that I am getting to do a face-to-face interview with Josh Scogin of '68.  So I mean I'm not feeling hopeless or down on myself: its just this pain that really is making everyday things like walking, and even putting on a pair of bastarding socks such a challenge!

I dont know, I just feel like posting on here helps me disperse all of the shit and helps me let go.

Whats next?
I'm not sure, hopefully I can get a doctors appointment tomorrow for some time this week so I can get some surgery sorted.  I start proper full-on work on Wednesday, and a week tomorrow I get to head to Glasgow and see Converge live in whats gonna be an insane show!  then the next night, I get to interview Josh and then watch '68 tear shit up live!

So things are looking good, just this broken toe in really making everything so much more difficult than it should be and making me pretty damn miserable.

 Yes, that gif of Aubrey Plaza totally gets me cranked...

Sham Life // She Looks Good In Velvet

Last night I got to meet one of my all-time favourite vocalists, and not only was he great on-stage but off it too.  Coming straight out the changing room into the masses, along with the rest of the band, and stayed till every single person got anything and everything they wanted from them.  A rare sight these days, especially for a band made-up of already incredibly successful workers - they care about their fans and these days so many bands dont do this (and no, holding some stupid thing on Twitter doesn't count!).  I had the chance to meet the band after and chat which was awesome, then got the bus home and well, yeah.

Other news, I really cant walk now, or even put any sort of pressure or anything on my left foot so thats making life *so much fun right now*.  It seems like some surgery is on my horizon and thats always fun....right?!

Apart from that, I'm fairly good, going real nice and getting super amped for stuff coming up; getting properly into working, 4th year, seeing Converge on the 5th of August, then '68 on the 6th and I'm even getting to interview Josh from '68 so thats like super rad!!

I'm now just patiently waiting to start working out in about 45mins, missed last night due to gigging, so tonight's is gonna be an extra rager!
After that I can then start wrestling insomnia till I can finally get some sleep.

In conclusion, the future is gonna be fun (aslong as I dont count surgery and crippling insomnia).

Screaminator: The Gallows For An Innocent Man

So, its been a few days since I last updated my blog and so much has changed!!

I sit here, the very same place I sat when I started this and I am feeling better than I think I have for years.  Why?  Simple, I've let go of shitty grudges, I've finally shunned petty hatred.

What the hell do I have to be angry about anyway?
- I'm in my dream job
- Because of this job I get to go back to my ways to buying anything that I want
- I'm in the best shape of my life
- I look fucking incredible as of late and have embraced the idea of fashion and making it fit me and my ideas
- Music recently has been insane

Right now I am finally in the position to look for the one last thing I need in my life; a girl friend.

Now I'm not saying that I'm not happy being single; its cheaper and easier and I have far less to worry about!
But if there was a goth chick or a super evil-looking witch-like sarcastic bitch to come through the doors I would so be chubbed up!
Like, there is this chick I've had a crush on for so long, she's perfect for me if Im honest, but she's in America, so yeah distance renders that all but a pipe-dream.  I mean I'd love for something to happen with her; we like the same things, we are similar people looks-wise as well as past experiences-wise too, I dont know, I just think if I ever had a chance with this awesome girl that something really good would happen.  I guess I'll hold onto that hope, and maybe in time we'll see.

I've also started thinking about the future, after Uni stuff - having gotten a job at H&M has done so much for me and effectively secured me money-wise after Uni.  One thought I keep on having is after Uni, I spend a year or so saving up and working my ass off, climb the ranks.  Then after I have enough, get transfer to New York and work at one of the many H&M stores there.  Then live out what would literally be my dream life.

Also, I am totally loving this blog, if for nothing else, getting to create the blog titles is so damn fun and creative - LOVE it!  Writing has always been something I've always enjoyed and thought was a great outlet for me to get creativity out.

In short:
Life is great and I am finally kicking its ass, and Dundee needs more goth/sarcastic-evil chicks!

Killer Be Killed:Kill Or Be Killed

"But I'll slow down for you, and if you can speed up we'll both share something new, 'cause I've grown tired of hiding half truths, full pictures are the harshest ones to view"

What a difference a few hours can make; in a matter of 2 hours I have went from feeling worthless to feeling how I should feel - like I am THE greatest in the world!

I'm sitting with a bright neon red vinyl blaring at .45 revolutions per minute just inches away from me, and I feel so cleansed of all the ultra anger I felt.  I sit here realising what makes me ME, what makes me an individual and what makes me different from anyone else that you have ever met ever before.  

I am dedicated.

I have just busted my ass in one of the quickest workouts I have ever done, I pushed myself and didn't stop for the sweat, the blood or the pain - I pushed on and that is the essence of me.  I dont quit, and I will not stop pursuing what I want if I feel that I am deserved it.  I set out my clothes for tomorrow and I realised just how fucking good I look, looking in the mirror at my white Jordan Buckley World Wide shirt, blue denim overshirt and black skinnys I was so elated, and then when I undressed I looked again and I saw my abs, I saw my six-pack and my monstrous chest and I saw my vascular-stricken body.  I realised that whatever isn't going for me now is just another obstacle that I need to destroy and then piss on it; maybe others that are undeserving have things, maybe they look down at me for wearing eyeliner, in the end FUCK them and FUCK everything.  I used to be a chubby little kid that was told that I was super close to diabetes, hell I was told not too long ago that I should have been dead from an appendicitis (!!), know what I did?  I fucking started working out when my appendix was rupturing, I was doing sit-ups when my appendix burst!
Tomorrow I start a job that I have been pining for, been applying for and been begging for for 4 years now - I didn't get this by lying in my bed watching Netflix!

What I dont have now, which is very little, and what I want now, which is the same, I will have because I am the most dedicated person you or anyone else has met!  

yourokiwillbei // Happiness Is Just A Smile

What a difference one night can make; I woke up and instantly everything seemed darker and grey.  I didn't wake up with this lust for life or a happiness to be awake and ready to suck today dry - instead I woke up and felt that I just couldn't do it.
I'm not sure why, but all day I have just felt so much anger and hatred for others; with those that I already aimed my hate at getting the brunt and visions of destroying them have flooded my day.  For the first time in weeks I lay in my bed and just didn't know what to do, I felt helpless and almost useless.  My heart and chest have been pounding with hatred for hours now - harm is on the tip of my tongue (not self-harm, but general and violent harm towards the fuckers I feel deserve it).  The same old flashes of worthlessness and hopelessness have plagued the day and I just feel like I was months ago.

I wholeheartedly believe that I am a good person and put myself out there for any and every one whenever I can - no matter the consequences that hit me after/during.  I dont know, maybe its nerves for starting my job tomorrow, maybe its all the Joy Division and Cure I listened to yesterday - or maybe I've just realised that even with me FEELING happy, that I am in fact not happy.

I might wake up tomorrow and feel 100% again and want to suck the days' cock dry of all its goodness...or I could wake up and feel as though it'd have been better if I hadn't...

Love Will Tear Us Apart // Is It Really Noisy?

If your reading this, you know me so I'm not gonna bother introducing myself or any of that shit - if no one is reading this then I for sure don't need to introduce myself to me!

This is gonna be a blog that I write whenever I feel like it; its not based on music, clothing, or anything else I'm into - its about me.  It will be scattered, will have random lyrics, gifs, pictures I dont know, just whatever I feel when writing it.

So its nearly midnight and I'm sitting here in my bed questioning whether or not £58 is a good deal for two awesome Joy Division tee's.  I'm also feeling pretty damn great as of late, after having a real sucky time since about the end of Feburary I am now finally back to myself and feeling like a new me.  With a new haircut, my dream job that I start on Monday, and the return of my spirit I feel like I'm finally content or even, dare I say it..."happy".  Sure I am still harboring the usual regret and hate for some, but thats stuff everyone has right?
This whole shitty-time followed by a real joyous one is something thats been happening to me for years, maybe my entire life - I find myself in a place where I am just happy, then something happens that like scars me and then BAM like a George Michael cumshot, my life is all over the place, and eventually I find myself wallowing on the floor (unlike George's spunk, I normally dont find myself on the floor of men's toilets).  So though I am feeling awesome right now, theres totally this apprehension inside that something real bad is about to happen.

Talking of George Michael, seriously how fucking awesome is he?  Wham! in their hayday were incredible, and "Last Christmas" is THE Christmas anthem and song - go on and try to deny it!  Then he totally went full-on gay and in the mid-90's turned into like a borderline male whore, talking about wanting to slam guys outside cause he's had enough of the kitchen table?  Fucking George!!
Musically though, he was incredible, and maybe he still is - haven't listened to his new album.  Music-wise though, this year for me has been incredible, after getting a record player for Christmas I have become even more of a music snob and have a pretty sexy collection going (do it with a record collector, they have 12"'s ;) ).  Still a digital guy though, and have found so much music from so many different genre's this year - go listen to Kent NOW! - but I've had my fill of metalcore and punk which has literally made me so freaking happy at times (even if I'm still waiting for my fucking ETID record to arrive!!).
A day or so ago though I realised that music has kinda turned into a motivation for me now, a motivation to workout to: I find myself listening to music and feeling like I just need to slam through a workout, though this could be caused by the addiction I have with raging my body to its fullest and getting the best results.  I used to be a pretty big dude, like 16stone at the age of 16 kinda big - I totally remember looking at a full-length mirror one day in Drama and realising just how big I was.  So after a year or so, I bit the bullet and just started working out, I remember I started doing like 20 press ups and 20 sit-ups a night and thinking it was HUGE haha.  After dedication and clearly seeing the change, not to mention constant remarks for friends, I kept on, pushing the numbers up and adding more and more till I got to where I am now; a 22 year old with actual definition that spends around 2 hours a night working out every area of my body.  The fact that I have had this dedication and have been able to push through has not only impressed others but its impressed me.  No matter what people say, anyone can literally do anything!!

Burn Halo are playing and they are fucking awesome!!  These dudes need more fans and need to get recognized as the band that are slaying radio-rock/arena-rock better than anyone out there!

So what else, eh I'm away to eat a slab of Tesco value chocolate after this and watch Parks and Rec (seriously, April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza) gets me so damn cranked, also watching Scott Pilgrim, which she's also in, does the same, I mean DAMN how fucking hawt is Ramona Flowers?!).  Or actually I might watch The Simpsons cause I went and picked up Season 11 on DVD today, sure its not as good as say Season 6, 7, 8 or 9 but I actually love 11, and it was a great price so blow on that non-believers!!

Ah, Flyleaf's cover of "Stay (Faraway, So Close)" just came on and its beautiful, seriously the new singer of Flyleaf kinda sucks compared to the old one :/

I could talk about how I feel meh about the Uni course I'm doing now; I've been doing video games effectively for 5 years now, thats nearly a quarter of my life.  Going into fourth year I am stocked though and looking forward to it but after, I dont know if I will get into games if Im honest.  I'm just burnt out - I've done 3 years in Uni, a year in College and the last year of Secondary I had to create a game, so I created an interactive game of Snap (which fucking rocked btw!!) so thats a long-ass time to focus on one real subject.  I look into the future and think what I'm gonna do, what I WANT to do and games is down the list.  Now after maybe having a year or two out of games I might get the thirst for it and go for it - I'd love to put my degree and all to use after all.

I dont know, I've spent half an hour writing this and frankly I am starved and just want to KILL this chocolate - so maybe I'll end this here.  I hope to pick up with the adventures of my life later on, so if you care keep a look out and if you dont, why the hell did you read all of this ya dingus!!