yourokiwillbei // Happiness Is Just A Smile

What a difference one night can make; I woke up and instantly everything seemed darker and grey.  I didn't wake up with this lust for life or a happiness to be awake and ready to suck today dry - instead I woke up and felt that I just couldn't do it.
I'm not sure why, but all day I have just felt so much anger and hatred for others; with those that I already aimed my hate at getting the brunt and visions of destroying them have flooded my day.  For the first time in weeks I lay in my bed and just didn't know what to do, I felt helpless and almost useless.  My heart and chest have been pounding with hatred for hours now - harm is on the tip of my tongue (not self-harm, but general and violent harm towards the fuckers I feel deserve it).  The same old flashes of worthlessness and hopelessness have plagued the day and I just feel like I was months ago.

I wholeheartedly believe that I am a good person and put myself out there for any and every one whenever I can - no matter the consequences that hit me after/during.  I dont know, maybe its nerves for starting my job tomorrow, maybe its all the Joy Division and Cure I listened to yesterday - or maybe I've just realised that even with me FEELING happy, that I am in fact not happy.

I might wake up tomorrow and feel 100% again and want to suck the days' cock dry of all its goodness...or I could wake up and feel as though it'd have been better if I hadn't...