I Envy You // Dance With Me One Last Time

These days Im doing pretty good, its been a few weeks since I last posted and I think all is looking up now; in these few weeks (I honestly dont remember when I last posted, and what I posted), but I've gotten a promotion not only in hours but in responsibility at work, and I found out that I am more than able to transfer to another store *cough* a H&M store in New York *cough* when Im ready, which means I am and will be moving across there soon!!  My time scale is pretty dead set on March now, and if all else fails I will still go over there for the 3 months I can legally get over there for and scour for a job then, again with H&M it'd be easy enough, and with this promotion, there are more roles available for me, ones that have pay raises too *yay!!*.

So yeah, things are good, of course Im not in New York just now like was planned, but frankly part of me is glad, right now Im actually really badly sick; I have what Im assuming is a chest infection, and Im actually coughing up blood, not to mention the usual insomnia and fuck my back is so so so jacked!!  If I was in NY, no matter who I was with or what we were doing, I'd be n agony and wouldn't really be able to enjoy the time I was there...and I'd probably be moaning too so Reva would have hated me by the end of it all haha!

But Im writing tonight because today at another SLOOOOOOOOW day at work, I was thinking and thinking, half talking in my head, half actually just talking out loud because there was no soul around to hear, and I was just thinking about me.  I've wrote here a bunch about how I'm not myself, I dont feel like myself, hell I dont know who I am; and yeah yeah that fucking sucks, I mean it really does but I think I've came to another I suppose piece of why I dont know who I am, like I've spent the last I dont know, years and years and YEARS of my life in situations where I didn't feel 100% comfortable.  Like my interests just dont match or mesh with really anyone else here that I know - I get on with people and I love the folks that I can and do talk to, but honestly, I just cant be 100% myself in any of those conversations.
My main interest is music, music and fashion and really everyone I know just doesn't hold either of these as "passions" like I do; I cant go to a friend, face to face mind you, and just talk about music or fashion, if I could I'd feel alot more open, alot more like I could be "me".  But I cant.
Thanks to my Uni course and the friends I amassed from it, their main passions are just that, games and things in that realm - which sure, I like, well actually no, actually no I dont.

Lets set the record straight, I dont like games anymore, frankly I couldn't care less about games anymore, I dont give a fuck about them.  I haven't done for what, maybe a year and a half.

For the last 6 years I've had to fake an interest in games, I've had to sit around people, people who alot of the time I suppose I considered friends, and just listen to them talk about this game and that game and agree or whatever, but inside all I was thinking was why am I here, I just dont care one damn bit!
I think I just lost myself in this, just accepted it and maybe forgot what it was like to be in a conversation fully, to enjoy a conversation with another human and to embrace it.  I think thats a huge reason why I gravitated to Reva, and cherish her friendship so much; because she is the kind of person I enjoyed talking to every day, because I felt included.  We talked about things that genially interested me; I wasn't sitting there nodding in agreement whilst the cogs of my brain were somewhere else, and hell I could talk to her about things I had wanted to talk about for years - we talked about Eighteen Fucking Visions!!  You have no idea how fucking badly I have wanted to talk about 18V, for 4 years they are all I've wanted to talk about but no one I turned onto them liked them or would listen, then here's this amazing chick that is covered in 18V ink and is in the same boat, wants to talk about those Fashioncore fools, and other bands that stemmed from them, or were related, or similar and fuck, music in general!!  Its why I cherish her; she's a person that I can be myself around, I dont need to hold back, I can just talk and talk to for hours and enjoy it, because theres so many similarities, good and bad, but they are there and its really good to talk to someone that has the same ideals and views and interests and just mindset as you do.

Now I dont want to discredit my friends here, Singher, the Deviant, Dziek, Tommy, theres more, but these peeps, I can talk to and enjoy it so much too, I can talk to about certain facets of myself and can feel for the most part, comfortable, but Reva and in reflection New York in general, it just seems like a place where more people are there that are like-minded.

So what else, well I head down to London in a few weeks for a whole bunch of Every Time I Die shows and dang it I am so stoked!  Seriously, its the break that I really really need just now, I am exhausted to high hell, Im working basically every day, and the days Im not, Im still doing these stupid tasks that take up way too long.  Going to London will be a nice 4/5 day break, then back to work and the Christmas season will jump in and I will most likely be working literally every day for like 6 weeks haha, which sucks but will mean more money, sooooo its all good by me.  Thats another thing I wanted to touch on, even though its not that long till I plan to head over, honestly, it feels like every day is just dragging, Im starting to flat-out hate time and am now doing things that deliberately take up time just to waste it.  All I'm doing these days is working to gain money to leave, and it just gets frustrating because everything feels like its taking so damn long.  I want to be in New York yesterday, and I want to just get there and work my ass off!  Live in a small, one bed apartment, no TV, just a record player, my laptop and the streets of New York to explore at night after a day's work.  And maybe a bunch of shows every week too ;)

As a close off, I suppose I am just excited to start my life again, I want to dust off the last 6 months of weird depression, and get over to New York and almost start over on my own.  I want to explore what I want again, for example tattoos, I want to get a band together, even if its just a shitty cover band, I want to get on stage and scream my lungs out atleast once..  I want to be able to just walk the streets of Brooklyn, or Manhattan, or New York City, or hell, any area of NY, I just want to be free again.  Free of the shackles of depression, of the feeling of being unwanted and an outsider, free of everything and just be able to go for life!

Also, I want to make Bobby and Jim from BlackCraft realise how fucking rad an Eighteen Visions BCC tee would be!!

Empty Kisses For Distraction // Gouge My Eyes Out So I'll Never Weep

So yeah, erm I dont really know where to start here; I dont know how long Im gonna have this, I mean I know what I want to write out, I just dont know how far I can explain it all, because frankly Im still trying to make sense of it all.

For the longest time my health has been an issue, its been something that has genially worried me for a good year and a half, two years - my body has felt like its been breaking down limb by limb, bone by bone every single day.  I cant remember the last time I felt 100% comfortable and painless, there always is some sort of physical pain going on with me.

*deep breath* Ok so yesterday I found out a few things, so lets take the first and most serious one first...I found out I MIGHT have a heart problem.  Theres nothing certain just now, but tests are being done, but the doctor told me that with my symptoms that he wouldn't be surprised if there was or wasn't a problem.
For a long time I have been blacking out, I mean years, but last year it would have been, I ended up having a really bad one which was described as a "seriously bad faint" or a "mini stroke"; my face went numb, my mouth was drooped and I couldn't speak or move, I remember it still and it freaks me out so much!
The ambulance came and looked over me and there really was no reason for it to happen, they were confused and kinda just chalked it up to just a thing that happened.
This happened again back in May, though this time I felt it coming on and I was able to rush to my bed and not collapse on the bathroom floor like before.
Along with these, I still get just usual blackouts, where I just like drop and wake up with no idea whats going on and this taste of copper in my mouth. All of this scares the fuck out of me, add on headaches, the insomnia and lack of energy, lack of appetite and then you can add on chest pains, palpitations, tightness there too: I've been feeling like I've been having a full-blown panic attack for nearly 3 months now!!

Im trying to remain positive here with all of this, Im fucking scared but theres a chance that theres nothing wrong, and even if something is its most likely arrhythmia which from what I understand is pretty manageable,
I dont know, its just something thats been on my mind for so long and I've told no one, I've let the worry build up inside and I suppose now its bursting the dam-walls.
Recently the chest pains and thumping's have become more and more prominent, and constant too, I feel myself being in serious pain with it for most of my active day.

Now onto the next, which is still pretty damn serious, but I also found out that again, I MIGHT, have a herniated disc(s?) in my back.
My back has been jacked for so long, years even, like I can literally pinpoint when all my back pain started, back when I was maybe 16 and someone tackled me from behind; it was all fun and a laugh till the next morning I couldn't walk, and this continued on for a good month.  Since then I've had episodes of this again, just without the actual initial impact, just waking up and ending up being crippled for weeks out of the blue.  Now my back isn't in a state where its only really bad for a few weeks, but has now been just a dull problematic pain for months, and again the doctor felt around and told me he wouldn't be surprised with something like that is whats up.

So I kinda dont know what to do with myself, add on generic aches and pains too (stretched underarm and chest muscles, busted knees and ankles), I'm just a mess right now, I dont know what else to say about it all - Im scared but trying not to dwell on it too much, trying to stay positive until I atleast get 100% results back and not just hanging on what the doctor thinks.

Plus Im just trying to keep my head above the water, not to sink under; again lapses in posi-ness do happen, some days I am just a pissy-bitch, but for the most part, as long as I understand and can rationalise everything I see, do, and think about Im fine and can live through my days.

Moving to New York is still on, and every week and paycheck it becomes more and more real!  I just need to get a little help through the process, its super daunting and I just want to make sure I do it right; but its still a go-go and is needed more now than ever!

But now Im starting to really hurt, the base of my back is starting to really fucking stab and Im getting super tired and my breathing is like increasing my back-pain even more.
Im gonna chill out, or well workout then chill out, BUT the aim of everthing for me right now is to stay positive, drive myself to New York, get away from my family here, my job of fuck-wits and this life that has been tailored for me to fit the needs of a previous me, and not my current and growing self.


Sean

Theres No Feeling In This Place

So where am I today; its 11:30pm, I'm starting to feel tired but I'm also feeling probably the emptiest I ever have, well maybe not ever, but the emptiest I've felt in a long time atleast...

I just dont know, I feel disconnected, but happy at the same time - I feel like Im getting closer to being "me", but also feeling doubt whether I am.  Its weird, Im in a weird place, times I can be feeling so motivated, so enthusiastic and ready to take on the entire world in a fight and walk out the fucking victor; but others I just feel like collapsing into a wreck, into a heap and just crying my soul out.
I feel like every post I've written in the last few weeks its been all positive and all about how I'm gonna take over the world and all that; and yeah sure that aspect of my life is the main goal and the most prominent I guess, its the part that Im most focused on anyway.  But I feel I have sugar-coated the other side, and I'll admit the other side has seen its fair-share of action.

Its overwhelming, simple as that; doing all of this at once, having all of these realizations, all these revelations about me and my life, I can honestly say that in the last 3 weeks I haven't really slept, I haven't rested, I haven't let go of all of this at all.  Which ironically was what was a problem for me initially, that I couldn't rest up and let go.  I dont like being this stressy mess, but my brain, my gears have just been on overdrive for the last month and I cant stop them.  If its not going to New York its a modelling shoot, or its speaking and hanging out with people, or its writing on here, or its setting up my trip for London, or its trying to force myself to rest (which as stated above, fails each time), or I'm overthinking my entire relationship and friendship with Reva.  My heads not getting a chance to rest up, either is my body and its really taking its toll; last week I had a short doctors appointment and they actually called me a "physical mess", my body is broken effectively.  My underarms and chest are badly pulled, my back is really badly jacked and is now moving to my neck, my insomnia is back and as bad as ever and I'm now getting these headaches and passing out a fair amount of the time too.  I was told to try and rest, but I just cant, I cant do that just now, thinking about it its most likely because if I stop, I will end up dwelling on all the bad that I've been bringing up from my entire life - so to stop that, I just push myself all day and night till I end up passing out for a few hours at night.

I know Im not in a healthy state, really in any way you look at it; Im not physically in a good state, and mentally I feel very unstable, Im jumping from this motivated wrecking ball to this schlep thats got no feelings anywhere inside.  Today I used my whole "be myself", not holding back and I actually was able to get another doctors appointment and asked about seeing a councilor and had a small session there.  I hope this is something I can get sorted soon and can get these regularly, I've had these in the past and I always end up neglecting to tell everything which just leaves things unsaid and unresolved.  But again thats this whole not being able to trust and blah blah I've talked about that enough that Im actually getting sick of just thinking it!  Its just so fucking irritating when I think of how much that has effected me for so long!!

So what else, mmmmm, even though I am overthinking things and it maybe isn't the healthiest thing to do, its making me come to peace with alot more - for example I've come to peace with the break-up, I've come to peace with my insomnia, I've come to peace with my aches and pains.  Me and Reva could never have worked, if we had went to NY it would have been a great two weeks but then after, when she was gearing up to move there, I'd still be trying to get the money to do the same.  In the end we'd just have broken up anyway because no matter what, no matter how much we love eachother, or how much we care for the other, no matter how much the other means to us; the distance was always going to be a problem.  It always is, no matter if its just a few hours or a few thousand miles - if you cant be right there with the person you love, if you cant support them and hold onto them and show them the affection they deserve, no matter how much you want to, you NEED to: if you cant, the relationship will crumble.

This way atleast, sure theres more risk in it for me, but Im not going with her being the ONLY reason Im going, no now Im going for myself, now heck yeah the chance to be around Reva and the potential to revisit the romance properly is one hell of a reason and driving force of why I want to go; but THE reason is for me, to get away from my toxic environment and live the life I deserve and have dreamt of since I was a child.

It all still hurts, and everything new is still so scary to me, by fuck its scary, but I need to do this, because I know its worth it and its what Im supposed to do.  Maybe in the process maybe I just need to give myself a break more, maybe not workout to the point of constant pain, or maybe let myself indulge in eating every so often.
This is all still the road to rebuilding myself; its not a smooth path, there will be more dips and bumps, but where this path leads to...damn its gonna be so beautiful.


Sean

From My Mouth, Every Sound A Warning Bell!

I've lost count of how many times I've watched the above video in the last few days, I just cant help but 100% relate to every word thats said.
Im not saying this in a fangirl way or a sycophantic way either, yes this is Keith Buckley and is the lead singer of one of my all-time favourite bands.  Yes I admire his language and lyrical substance, but I am not forcing myself to have a connection to this 3 minute YouTube video because of this.  No I watch this and everything that is said hits me so hard right now, because its where I am in my life.
In essence what is being said is that he realised that he isn't the person he thought he was, but because of something inside of himself, an ego, he told/forced himself to continue on.  To be a person that he just wasn't anymore.  "I didn't really like myself, or anything that was going on".

This is exactly what I am going through right now, and have been for so long but now I find myself where he did, I find myself in a situation where I want to break away from being this "person" that I am perceived to be and to start being me, the person that I want to be.  I want to be true to myself.

Right now I am this guy that, I dont know, is seen as the "funny" one, this guy thats seen as being super sarcastic and a loner and in general a guy thats just super dark and that hates everyone and everything.  That was true...years ago, this was true 3 years back, when I first broke out of my shell, when I first found myself in this world of goth, glam and the darker side of music.  I would never smile, and I would rarely talk and would be this arrogant prick.
Now however, that just isn't me, hell down to things like how I dress; I've spent years garnering this collection of rare t-shirts, band and brand logo's that were 1/300, or 1/100 pressed, or whatever and paying out the nose for these things just because I didn't want to look like everyone else, because I was THAT arrogant that I had to be different.
I dont want to be that dude anymore; I'm not that goth I never really was but now I can safely say Im not.  I dont know how you'd genre me quite honestly, I dont think you can, and that is more than fine with me.  Im just a normal dude, I dont need these extravagant graphics or to have a shirt that only 300 people own in the world.  That gives me no joy anymore, for a long time it did but not now.  I want to use that money for more important things; I wanna save it for New York, I want to use on necessary items, hell I want to be able to use it to treat friends and show them how much I appreciate them.
And thats another thing, friends - Im not someone that wants to have the same perceived social-life as The Crow, no I actually want to spend time with people, I want to be able to just chat with people for hours and hours.  Theres nothing wrong with that is there?  Again before I was more of a loner, happy with my own surroundings and wanted to keep everyone out, now though, no way, lets let some folk in, lets let these people in and have some fun.  Life is all about fun after all, isn't it, isn't life not about making the most out of every opportunity and occurrence, good or bad, and building from there?

I dont want to dislocate myself from every aspect, for example the funny element of myself, the joking part of me is still a strong one; that is still very much me, I am still attracted to the feeling of making people laugh of smile.  I'm still good at it if Im honest, its something thats came naturally to me really since I was very young - I have always been the funny one, the one that made jokes (not to be confused with the "prick" of the group who'd do all the vandalism and stuff alike), I grew up on comedy TV and comedy all around me in forms of family members all hitting the same age range.
My comedy "skills" (if you could call them that) are something that I pride myself on, making people laugh is a hard thing to do, and so to be able to do it without really feeling like Im deviating from myself whilst doing so, its a great thing.

That all makes me sound maybe a little arrogant, and believe me I dont want to be like that, but rather I want to have confidence and I want to start being able to acknowledge what Im good at and just the bare fact that I am good at it.  That is a very hard thing to do, to tell yourself and truly believe that you are GOOD at something.  Society tells us that if you think your good at something, that your being a dick, that your being egomaniacal.  Thats so wrong, by those standards we should walk around telling ourselves that we're sub-par at everything; there is zero wrong with knowing your good at something, having confidence in yourself and your abilities.  There is obviously a line where when you cross it, you tread the ground of being arrogant, when you put others down and start comparing yourself to others and under-minding them, then yeah thats being arrogant and thats when you develop an inflated ego, which never ends well, just a longer drop when you eventually fall from your pedestal.

Its a difficult thing to do, trying to get back to the core of yourself and basically build from scratch again, its daunting but its also very necessary and the pay-off is more than worth it (I imagine).  I've started to show glimmers of this new ideal, yesterday at work my Boss started asking me questions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do; before I would have held my tongue and said what I thought she wanted to hear, but yesterday I figured why hold back.  Doing that only led to myself standing in my own light, you get over that and your already on such a better path.  So I told her what I thought, all the thoughts that had been bubbling inside for weeks and months; I told her how I am starting to become complacent, I told her I feared I would become irrelevant if I stayed in my same position, and I told her I wanted more.  I got it, she agreed with me and gave me what I wanted, she promoted me to frankly a level that I never imagined I'd get so quickly - I'm going to a position that is seen as a back-up to the Managers, and will start having responsibilities similar to a Manager.  I've seen people in the past get these and moan and complain, but damn, for me having that trust and knowing that I am at such a high level that they want me to do certain important things, thats the fucking grail for me!

So where do I go from here?  Honestly, I dont have a plan, internally I mean, I know my plan is to get too New York and that is happening, the desire for that is stronger than ever before!  But getting there is more than merely getting a flight, Visa and an apartment; getting there is my fresh start, a new go-around.  Every time I post on this, every day I think about everything, I get closer and closer to the answer; gaining spiritual inspiration from The Secret, having a resurgence of my faith and beliefs, making sense of all whats happened over the years and WHY it happened, every piece joins together and Im getting there.  My psyche is being rebuilt every second of every day, sure there are lapses, sure there are breakdowns but each one of them then brings something new to my attention and something new to look at and make sense of.  Rome wasn't built in a day, so the mind might take a little longer, but I am more confident than ever that I'm gonna get there, not only on my own but with the support of friends, I know that soon enough I will have control of myself again, not fearing if how I am behaving is true to myself, not even having to think about it because I will know it is.

The real Sean will be uncovered, and after he is the world will no longer be scary and full of fears and regrets.  It will be a place of true happiness, with no more internal dishonesty or dark corners of doubt.


Sean