Help I'm Alive // Love Is A Place

Fists are clenched, my blood is boiling and all that can be seen is a sheet of scarlet.

As days go by I find myself becoming more and more angry inside towards the people that are wronging me, and each and every day Im finding more and more people that fit into this category.

Im really trying to keep a positive outlook, to keep calm and try to make the best out of this temporary bad situation, but no matter what, the second I find myself in a good place, in a mood and state where I feel at ease something, someone just breaks me in some way.

I try to keep myself to myself these days, stick to those that I want to know and the others can do whatever; I did it for a long time and it worked, but now I just dont know.  All these people seem to be busy or just dont have the time, and maybe this is just me being stupid and thinking too much into something and just in general suffering from some low self-esteem, hell I probably am, I know I am, but still thats how it feels sometimes.  Sometimes I feel abandoned and that I am always having to make the first move, and in that thought, if I am always the one putting in the effort, does that mean that the other person simply doesn't want to?  Or is this me just being the quicker to the punch every time?

I think its obvious that right now Im maybe not doing so well emotionally, I've found myself in this grey area of life; on one hand Im here, Im living this life that Im just not liking at all at this point, my job, my health, my surroundings, everything makes me miserable just now.  There are only a few shining lights for me, breaking through the hard crust of this gloom that can make me smile, but even they are now things that I feel are rare treats, and even still they have their bad sides.  For one music, music has lost what it once was to me, I used to thrive on it, going to a show used to be the best thing I could do and I wanted to do it every single night, and I tried to!  Now, well now music's hold on me has faded, certain songs/artists conjure images that I'd rather forget, or lyrics are construed in my head to form the same pictures of discomfort over and over acting as an ever reminder of my faults and failures; going to a show is now nothing more than a pain, the show and experience are secondary and me just finding a way to not end up sleeping on the streets after it becomes primary.
On the other side of this grey is this life that I want, that I can taste, that I've had little snippets of form time to time over the last year; an independence that is the last prize-won entering you into full-blown adulthood, a life where I feel loved and love towards those around me, surroundings that encourage me, that excite me and that motive me, but most importantly they bring me a content-ness and joy that has been lacking for a long time.
Now this life, this other side of the grey is just that, its the other side, its whats to come and I truly believe its just a matter of time before I get to spread open my arms and finally embrace this light, say goodbye to the crumbled mass of sorrow and truly start this mysterious thing that people call "life".  The trouble is the waiting, its trying to keep myself in a good enough headspace so that I can reach this garden of Eden, at times its tough, it really is and sometimes I feel like just throwing it all away.  So much of the time I am exhausted, both physically and mentally, so much of the time I spend my waking moments dreaming of this life but when it comes to actually doing something about it I fall at the first hurdle, having the confidence to actually do it!

My goals are simple enough to put into words, but taking the action is the hard part, but even then when I think about it it really isn't, its just having the support there to help me when I need it, but also just having people around me to help me.  To move to America, thats it, thats the goal; its not for a girl, its not to live the "American Dream", fuck its not even to have easy access to some tasty cookies and pizza (well, maybe a little), no its something that can take me away from this place, that can break these ties and finally let me fly off...to let me live a happy life.  The girl, the Dream, the food, the experience, thats all bonus, thats an add-on, or atleast two of them are add-on's whilst one is a very large reason, but in either case the #1 reason to make this huge step is simply FOR ME.
And like I said I KNOW this can and will happen, its just doing it; because its scary, its scary cause Im putting it all on the line and Im fucking grabbing at anything I can to survive with this decision, with this move.  I dont feel that people around me truly understand this, I like to think if they did, if they knew just how scared I was deep-down about all of this then they'd be a little more supportive.  This terror eats at me, every second its there gnawing at my soul, my heart and my courage; the questions "Can you do it? " and "Why haven't you done THIS yet?!" flood my brain till its ready to capsize and leave an Oscar-less Leonardo DiCaprio floating on a brain-cell waiting to die.

I can do this, and I will do this, theres no question or doubt in my mind, and I am finally doing something about it I feel, and Im starting to see the light, its distant and flickering but its there and it invites me like Pornhub invites every 13 year old boy with an odd sock and parent-less house.
I just need to breath, I just need a little relief and honestly just a break from people, some encouragement and for them to know that broken toes, missed buses, back pains and black-outs are things I can deal with but this burning feeling inside of me cannot be taken care of with medicine or rest (unless its heart-burn).

*ending on a joke, ~SO~ posi!*

Looking For A Sound To Drown Out The World // Silent Scream

Its been a weird week, honestly its been a weird 3 weeks since coming back from the States; I've pushed people away and relied too heavily on others.  Neither of these things are fair, and not fair on both those people or me!

I've dwelled hard on being back home, each day coming more and more undone, finding another things that I hate about this place, pushing people just that little bit further away.  I knew I was doing this, I knew I wasn't happy but I just didn't know what I could do, or what could be done.  I retreated to a few people and like I said above, I relied way too heavily on them, which yep, is sooooo unfair and is just a major put-off!  Again I knew I was doing this, and I knew the repercussions of this and that I could potentially ruin friendships and relationships because of this ridiculous behavior.

I'll admit it, I am not happy here in the UK, Im not happy at my job, I dont really get along with people there and I am continuously getting mixed and contradictory feedback from managers there.  Yesterday I actually ended up having what basically dwindled down to an argument with my head manager, ranging from a promotion that I was told I was suited for but then told a day later once I requested an application that I wasn't ready, to being told I have a bad attitude and that Im not that much of a hard worker....even though I've literally been told that exact thing from people higher up than him every time they have been to the store within the last 6/7 months.

So yeah it made zero sense but it did have one good outcome, I've given up on that place, on job satisfaction from that place - I dont care anymore.  Now thats not me saying I wont work hard, I will and I'll work harder than anyone there and gladly go about my way when others get praise because they are more talkative to staff and louder than me (plus I have an incline that they hate my eyeliner and nails ;) ).
What does that mean then, am I just to suffer through that job and be miserable till I find a new one?  Well kinda, but now I have finally, FINALLY, 100% found the right visa for me to get over to the States, I spent last night researching it, looking into it, making sure it was the right one and that there were no small-print deals that eliminated me from being eligible for it.  Nope, I have found it and its so so right for me, its perfect for me, gets me there for up to a year and can then be extended for another 2; and for those who's math skills maybe aren't up to scratch, thats 3 years I could be in the States, and even if it wasn't extended, I can just reapply for a different position.  I feel like I've said this a gazillion times, "oh look, I've finally found my way over..." well yeah no this is it, I have finally gotten definitive answers and have my head screwed on properly for the first time since coming back, and I know what Im doing.

For anyone thats reading this and my recent mentalness has effected you I am seriously, sincerely sorry and I hope you can and do understand.

So, other than that whole thing, lets get on to all that good stuff; I finally got a fucking leather jacket this week!  I've been craving one for years, like just a good black leather jacket, nothing fancy, just something badass and I luckily found one on the H&M site, annnnnnnd when you get 25% off and free online delivery you get damn enticed!
I'd say I look pretty sexy....

On jackets I also got started and finished on a little project I've been working on in the last few weeks; I bought a cheap khaki green military jacket and intended on jazzing that dork up with patches, so I did.  I've been out of commission the last week thanks to toe stuff that I'll get to, but yeah so I've had a bit of time on my hands so I learned how to sew and ended up with a pretty awesome jacket at the end of it all!

Ok so toe stuff, I've had a broken toe for maybe 5 months now, maybe 4 I cant remember, either way its been a pain in the ass for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long, and this past Monday I finally (I've used that word way too many times in this post) got surgery and all Im hoping against hope that its the last I will need to endure.  I haven't necessarily been able to rest up since surgery though, I mean thats just me, but add in how fucked I was emotionally I just pushed through everything.  Stupid move, but thankfully I wont have to go through it again (hopefully, theres a 5% chance I will...eek!!) but yeah, I actually took the imitative to redress it on maybe Friday night and it bummed me out/shocked the ever loving hell out of me just how gnarly it looked, all bruised up from the injections and just eww.  It really got to me and did something to my head, which did not help how I was doing at all.

But but but BUTTTTTTTTTT I am feeling so much better, even more so now that I've been able to write this all out, it feels more real and lets me reflect on all of it, digest it and just look at how silly I was being, but also how much better I am feeling now.  Again, if anyone reads this at all, and my nonsense has been a burden to you, and I dont blame you if it has, I am so sorry and I plan on making it up tenfold to all of the people close to me that I feel I have wronged.

Other good stuff, if all goes to plan, I'm gonna be heading back to New Mexico 7 weeks yesterday which is rad-as and Im so excited for obviously, and as well Im just so excited for whats to come; finally (last time I use it, I promise) I feel like I have a path set out, I dont just know where Im walking TO but I know what way I am going to get there.

So in closing, yeah 90's U2 is fucking amazing, seriously, so so good, these guys have always been a huge part of me in some way, they were the first band I liked and the first band I ever called "my favourite band" and this new found love of their more experimental, poppy stuff has just solidified that, in a time of my life where I am surrounded by heavy metalcore and hardcore, that some pure cheesey U2 is just as good and as important to me.

Lost In A Dream // Ask For Nothing, But Wanting It All

First entry in a while I think; I have the holiday blues I think, or atleast I think that I would think I had it but that doesn't last a week does it?

I've been back home from Albuquerque for maybe 5 days now, and frankly I haven't let go of the place yet, I cant!  I had the most amazing week there, I met so many amazingly nice and friendly people, I done things that I had always wanted to do and most importantly I got to finally embrace Reva and spend a week with her and losing THAT is something that I cant get over yet, I cant accept not seeing her or even talking to her every day right now.

I've come home and straight away been hit with why exactly I wanted, no, NEEDED to go away, and why before I left I saw this as a taster to see if I could stay there, if I could handle the States.  I can.

I really can in fact, hell for fuck sake I got there and didn't think ONCE about back home, I didn't give it a thought; not one place, not one action, not one friend, family member, nothing.  I didn't care for anything and was honestly ready to settle down in the States right there and then - I told myself that if the UK had been totaled, demolished and wiped out, I would be fine with it.

I've come home to misery; I dont know what it was but I got back and I instantly felt this great indifference to literally everyone here.  I just dont care, I'm trying so hard just to keep up conversation with people that a month ago I craved talking to.  I dont know, when I was away I got to be me, the real me that has been knocking on the door for a few years now just waiting to get out; I felt like a real adult, I felt like my life was in my hands and I wasn't afraid of that one bit, infact I was fucking excited!!  Now though, I know that I am going to have to sit through conversations about video games, or minor problems that have been blown up to mega proportions, or just things that in general I dont care about and haven't done for so long but kept up this facade of interest because it made them happy so thats what mattered...I cant do it anymore.

I got a little taste of what my life could be like, and it was simply incredible; I seriously cant put into words how much the entire week meant to me or just how happy I was, how much I smiled, I smiled more than I have in the last 10 years in that one week.  And it was not just because of a girl, it wasn't just because of my friend, it was the vibes, the feel, the atmosphere, the things I finally had the chance to do, the little things, the conversations, I was treated like a 23 year old should be and I was finally able to fucking live!

I am frustrated, beyond frustrated, I need out of this town, this country, I need away from EVERYONE I see here, because I simply cant be that person anymore, I'm not that person anymore.  I dont want to suffer through my life just to appease others, its not fair to me.

This isn't a depressing post, no this is exact opposite, this is a hopeful post; in the last 5 days I have made more steps to finally getting over to the US that I have in the last 7 months.

I have managers at work, I mean too many to count that are backing me to transfer over to the States and work, mangers at different levels that want to do all they can to get me there.  I am now on the right path finally, I know where I'm going, I have the correct Visa I need, I have the money that is required, and I know what I need from the company and who to talk to about getting it.

In 6 months at most, I plan on being in New York working with H&M on a year-long internship basis, which after that would progress to the level that I am now seen as being qualified for, manager.  Just writing this out is making me so excited and happy; Christ my manager just now is a lawyer and has done this transfer multiple times and out-right told me if I need any help, she's happy to do anything she can...makes me feel bad all those times I called her a "ginger twat" in my head (and sometimes out loud :X ).

So now its happening, its starting, the end has truly began.  I know what I want to do, I know what I NEED to do, and fuck I am doing it.  I dont know who, if anyone, from the UK reads this, but if you do, I wish I could say sorry if I offended you, but frankly I dont know if I am 100% sorry for it.  I just dont know.

My life is expanding, and its not for a girl, its not for some 4-letter word, its for ME, its for my life and to be able to truly be happy in life, I need to do this.

The end has began, and a new start is oh so so close, and believe me I am more than ready!

...also I need to buy new jeans.

Why Am I This Way // She's On My Mind

I haven't written anything in a while I dont think, or atleast it feels like a while; reason being because everything is actually going great - and really, blog's aren't about your happiness are they, they are supposed to be on you and your low moments.

I wanted to break this anyway and write up something good and positive, but today Im not sure I can do that 100%.  I am by no means in a low place or anything, but just not feeling up at THAT level that I have kinda gotten used to.
Im sure its just down to a few things; exhaustion, stress, nerves and excitement.

Exhaustion is a big reason why im just not feeling myself today, I am going on about 7 months now where I've been working pretty damn solidly without any real time off, travelling two hours a day on that, not to mention other aspects of life that take up time and massive amounts of energy outside of work.  Add on to this my insomnia which has gotten real bad in the last week again and Im just completely fucked.  I dont feel like myself, like this is a barrier in the way that I want to be.  I know HOW I want to live through the last few days, just this exhaustion is dictating, taking over everything on my behalf.  I feel very scared and very very over sensitive and just general overthinking things and I am fucking hating it!!  Again I dont want to be overthinking stupid stuff, that was something I felt I had gotten over months back, but this latest onset of sleep-deprived-ness  has really shaken me.

Just the last few days have thrown me some stupid stuff and I think Im just trying to get back to my feet.

BUT the other thing that has me just out of my mind is a good thing, a great thing infact - in 20 days I will be travelling over to Albuquerque, New Mexico to see and spend a week with a certain someone and I cannot, I repeat cannot be more excited for it all!!  This has been something that has been a priority of mine for so long, but money and other things always were in the way, but after a change in dynamics, and a continued change to our circumstances its now the right thing to do, for the right reasons and its the start of the next chapter of our relationship.  The past is the past, what happened, no matter how bad it felt at the time, has resulted in two people that are in better places and are ready to do things properly.  This is the right time, and will not be the first time I venture over there this year, already I have plans to go over a few months later!

We're meeting again for the first time.

This trip is so needed, of course the main reason is to go over and see her, spend time with her and do everything we've both wanted to do for years.  I get to do all that now, and I cant describe how happy it makes me, and how much it makes me smile, and believe me I dont smile all that often...

(Is this a smile?  Why am I bearing so much teeth?!  Am I growling?  Is this my attempt at Chandler's smile?!)

Annnnd I just got the most amazing message and I now cant wipe this smile off my face ha, man oh man, I am smitten.

In total, I just need to get rest *sigh*, thats it, thats all I need, a little break and some rest.  I have good people in my life, great things to come, oh Lord do I have great things to come, I am more than happy with my appearance and self image, I just need more fucking sleep (and to stop having these 8am starts (5am awakened) at work would be nice).

But rest and for the next 20 days to kinda rush by and I would be the happiest mofo going in this world.  So much good to happen, and when I look back on some of the old posts I've made, jeez, it shows that things get better and that nothing can stop you getting to where you want, you just need to work hard and persevere.

Prelude To An Epic // Cocoon

The end of the year is looming, everyone is reflecting and trying to rationalize what they did and why they did some things over the last 12 months.
Its no secret that this year has been up and down for me, but the most important thing is the now, and the future.  I feel this year has been somewhat a trial, a build up of sorts for next year, next year is when everything for me gets going, when I get out of this place, move to the place where I belong to and I get to live the life that I want to be surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded by.

Right now I am in probably the best place I've been in all year; I find myself internally growing stronger and stronger, I'm surrounded by these amazing people and whats more surprising is that I feel like I deserve this - Im not pushing these people away or hiding myself from them.  Thats a big reason for this whole blog, to just let all out and let anyone, everyone read and know me, what makes me tick.
I truly feel at peace with myself, and that is something that hasn't been present very much over the last 52 weeks.

I told myself so much over this last year that I was ok, that I was going to be fine; I was lying to myself and to everyone around me, and if Im honest I think alot of people knew.  One of the biggest things to happen this year was everything that happened with Reva; breaking-up sucked, but the worst part was that I wasn't able to talk to my friend anymore, I felt so distant from someone that meant so much to me.  This feeling of distance was inside of me for the last few months of our relationship too, but I was too blinded by exhaustion and probably delusion to admit it.

But now, like I said I am in such a more stable place, and I can honestly feel the good in me, and to top all of this off Reva and I have started talking more, it feels good to be talking to her again, getting to know more and more about her, and being able to answer back to her with my own experiences and such as opposed to hiding away and only asking questions like before.  Not only with Reva, but with Singher, I feel like Im more responsive to her and that Im not just being a moany bag of glam - Im being a good friend!  The Deviant, the dude I've known for fuck, maybe 17 years, yeah he's like the dirtiest dog in the league but he does it with so much passion you cant fault him!

In general relationships and friendships are going great and are at the forefront for me for the first time in a long time; my family still suck but thats another problem entirely.  And fuck it really, I mean I dont really feel at home, I've felt homeless for months now, hell maybe a year even, I dont feel related to my family really, I am shunned down for doing nothing, and then when I try and do something and act "normally" I am told to go and do nothing because I dont live here, so how can a person win?  BUT that really is the only downside to my life right now, like it really is, with so much good on the horizons, this is really the only bad thing going on and even then its something I can shut out with constant working and hiding myself away in a dark corner of a free room.

With the end of this year it means the start of a new one, and this new one is where all will take shape; my hard work and what seems like constant shift-work will pay off, my putting up with shit from work, my dwelling in a place where I feel uncomfortable, it all pays off because next year is the year I WILL move away.
First I take a trip to New Mexico in the first few weeks/months of the year, I finally get to meet and spend time with Reva, which will be something else, I cant even describe how much I am looking forward to it - its something I've wanted to do for near 3 years now, and its been the only thing on my mind for an entire year.When we first lock eyes, its gonna be unreal.

Then a few months later Im taking her to New York for a few weeks for the trip we were supposed to have back in November; then after that, well then I move there indefinitely I hope.  Its gonna be hard, tricky but Im ready for it, so let's do it baby!!
This also means this year I'm gonna do my best to see and spend time with anyone that wants to see me before I leave, so yeah if anyone wants to hit me up (if you're reading this).

Now this whole move, theres more to it than going and seeing someone, no matter how important they are, at the end of the day you need to be doing it for yourself just as much atleast as you want to see this person, and thats the case.  Im stuck in a dive town, spend most of my time in a dive city, in a dive country that I've explored pretty much as far as I want to, I've been everywhere I want to go in Scotland and the UK, I've done all I could want to do.  Im bored here and need a change, and I want to do what I've always wanted to, go where I want to, but Im sure I've said all of this before soooooo...

As for other good things, I've started turning my job sort-of into a career in this last year; I went from being someone that was there for a few hours a week to now being really the one redeeming aspect of the store.  This isn't me stroking myself off either, our store does poor numbers, makes little money or little compared to what we should be making - the only positive comments that have come out of the last two visits management have made have been me and my work ethic,  Add on that Im being trained up more than anyone else, and its just kinda cool to feel like Im going somewhere, and that I can use his to leverage into another job at another store....somewhere...that I might be moving to...that I haven't went on about a gazillion times already.

So what else; I realised that I kinda hate Christmas this year, or no, more that it just doesn't phase me and that I'd actually prefer that people didn't spend their money on me.  There's better things they can use it on than buying me a piggybank or a scarf; no matter how good they are, and how much I DO appreciate them, they dont need to.  But then again I get stoked on getting others things, so maybe Im just being an ass.

I've talked the past, the present and future, so I guess thats all that can be talked about; in general things are good, maybe great, and I want to continue this feeling.  I'm so excited for whats to come, so much good is on the way - this last year I struggled with money, and what I did have I had this stupid appearance-thing that I needed to buy so much stupid clothing because, now though I have money and Im gonna do things I've always wanted to.  It starts with New Mexico in a mere few weeks.

I cant wait!

Sonic Death Monkey // Forgetting Days

I was contemplating not writing anything tonight, I might not after this simply because after hard work, after a very calming and thought-provoking few months I have found myself in a place where I dont necessarily feel like I need this anymore; I dont feel like I need to get every thought out of my head, because really, they aren't that bad anymore and those that I do need to extinguish I am comfortable and confident in the people around me that I can simply tell them.

This week has actually been really really good, after last week's frankly, shitty experience at the Stray show I was feeling pretty bummed, but immediately following the show and the rest of the week picked up and now, a little over a week from that point and I feel like such a resurgence has taken place.  The future is looking so fucking awesome, and so Im here like "meh"; I could go on about broken bones and things, buuuuut thats boring and a well-driven fact, soooooooo I figured Im gonna just go on about music for a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you know me you know I love music, I live for music, I breath music, everything about me is music: I'll be in a conversation with someone and randomly say out lyrics, and if I dont you better believe theres a track going through my head waiting to burst out!

Right now Im smashing through and exploring Atreyu, a band I've always been interested in and wanted to get into, but for some reason or another I just never did; right now, a few albums in I have to say, I really am on the fence - their older stuff is really fucking rawkin and Im digging that so much, but as they progress Im really just seeing them turn into maybe a heavier Avenged (who I cant fucking stand), so yeah, their newer stuff is really kinda meh, BUT like I said, their older stuff is off the hook!

Ok as I keep listening to these dudes Im really not liking the vocalist...ugh, I really want to like them but it just sounds too much like the sort of stuff I hate, mmmm maybe I'll just need to let it digest.
But this year HAS been incredible for me music-wise, its been the year where I feel my horizons have truly opened and let so much in, I've been like a sponge and soaked up so so much music this year from different genre's, different years, different projects, just so much!

I LOVE snyth music thanks to this year; bands like Depeche Mode, NIN, Cold Cave and 90's U2 have gotten so into this sort of music, then add in new things coming from bands like Tape and Triathlon and hell you have a crazy amount of old and new in this style.
If Im honest, whilst this love have been growing this year I have been worried I would lose my image of liking heavier stuff; thankfully I haven't lost this passion for that style, frankly if anything I've become more attached to it!

My favourite album ever, Eighteen Visions' "Vanity" has became more than just an album I love, but a record I have constantly going through my head, the lyrics, the riffs, the tones and just the overall feelings it gives off, the harsh and broken love that just oozes from the album is always pumping through me.

---
Ok Im gonna pause this right here, I started writing this this morning but because of work I stopped half way and was to finish later; welp I come home to a horrid, unlivable environment...again.
I've said it before, but my mother is a drunk, a literal alcoholic and as you can imagine this makes living in close quarters with someone like that very uneasy, especially when drinking they tend to blow everything out of proportion and cause arguments over things that are trivial at very best.
So I come home from working, and cause my boss is a total dweeb I couldn't use discount on something my Mum wanted so she'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it instead, and this then caused my Mum to go WAY off the handle, and to start blaming ME for doing something wrong because in her mind and words, Im a horrible person.
Now, because of something that was out of my control, I am the bad person and am being punished with verbal abuse - for something so fucking stupid!  I spend my daily life, without exaggeration, being openly told that Im unwanted, that I'm a failure and will not amount to anything, that my job isn't a real job, and so on and so forth.

I feel bad for how I feel about my Mum, I feel bad when I tell people I hate her, I hate my family, I really do - I hate that the idea of moving away and never having to lay my fucking eyes on her drunk self gives my the biggest grin possible.  But it does, it all does, once I leave this place, I dont want anything to do with her, no matter what; I know her impending death is coming, with the drinking and smoking it cant be all that far off, and knowing this, and having known this for years now...I can honestly say it doesn't phase me or do anything to me, I just dont care what, or when it does happen to her.
---

*sigh*

There that is, it wouldn't be a blog post if there wasn't some ounce of anger...

Ok, so back to music, erm yeah I did start feeling that I was losing my grip on heavier stuff; for the majority of the Summer and Autumn I was blasting nothing but 90's U2, their more electronic phase which is fucking out of this world, it really is - if you dont like U2 I still would say give it a shot cause so much of it is catchy as a damn cold!

But as time went, as the months wore on I found myself getting comfortable with where I was in life, and in turn I felt better about what I was listening to - I no longer had these guilty pleasures, I wasn't embarrassed about anything I listened to: whether it was some deathcore or pure 90's cheesy pop!
Having this feeling of freedom did, has done and still does have such an impact on me as a person and my life.  Being comfortable with what is flowing through my head, through my veins, its one less thing to worry about and another element that I can be secure with myself about.  Insecurity is a big problem for me, and I think this insecurity in what I like to listen to sometimes has always been there, I've always felt hindered at times.

Right, so some of the best this year; as is probably very obvious my year hasn't been spent listening to only new releases, the exact opposite actually, I've delved more into the past than ever before and I've discovered so much good stuff its crazy!

Like I've said, U2 from 91-97, I've already been through this so I dont want to be a broken record (music joke, BAM!) but I go super into Depeche Mode again, into other records than "Music For The Masses", I still gravitated to their more darker and moodier stuff but still jumping to other records opened more of them, which led to other bands alike.

My biggest discovery though was the record label Broken Circles who have seriously just run wild with releases this year, each and every one being as fantastic as the last.  Bands like Bandit, Ivadell, Slow and Steady, Nest, and the most importantly Triathlon are all just incredible and have all released these records that fuse so many different genres into this one, American Indie sound that is clearly being crafted by bands full of young musicians that just full-on love music and are doing the whole thing for passion, not the fame or money (and unfortunately they dont seem to be getting either, which they do deserve).

In general, my tastes have been expanded greatly but truthfully, the one band that caused this to happen was the band that I have been a fan of since I was 3, the band who's song "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" was the first song I ever liked according to family.  Its been a good year for music, not just because of this but also recommendations from others; for the two years previous to this one I had my tastes manipulated and broadened by one of my flatmates' more softer tastes, and this year I had another great person in my life bring in new elements of both heavy and softer music.  Bands like Metric, Circle Takes The Square, Unearth, Blacklist Royals, and much much more.

Now as the year winds down, and so does this blog because it feels like its been going on for AGES, I look back at the music and release that even though I felt like had fallen away from music at times and lost "it" and even found myself in a rut, I really do still rely on it so much, more than I rely on anything or anyone.

The Nothing // Let Me Be At Ease This Time

Another sleepless night has came and gone, my eyes are strained as usual and the tendons behind them ache but today's my first day of relaxation in maybe a week and so I'm taking advantage of this and getting a week's worth of thoughts out.

Ok that sounds heavy and super serious; frankly apart from the usual insomnia, lack of taking things easy and some pain I'm actually going really really good.

The week has been a bit of an eye-opener at places sure, but not just in a negative or bad way.

I hit a gig on Sunday, which the days leading up to it I was really stoked and amped for, I was really looking forward to it but when the day came, if Im honest I lost any and all enthusiasm - it almost felt like such a chore.
I get there, the weather is horrid but still I try and keep posi; I like Stray From The Path after all, they kick ass and I've never seen them before, even though I've wanted to for years...it should be great!

Well then the gig came, Im in the venue and honestly the turn-out is pretty piss poor, which can be expected thanks to the weather and the fact that it was a Sunday night show but fuck, I honestly expected more than the MAYBE 100 that were there in the what-seemed-like huge gaping venue.
The supports played their little sets, they were good enough but they had such a weird attitude; they spent half their sets bad-mouthing the fans that did show, and then the other half they spent telling us how much they appreciated us being there, then right back to calling us "fucking cunts"!

I dont know, that put a sour taste in my mouth, but in general I felt disjointed from the entire show; the bands, the fans, the atmosphere of the whole place, I was there but felt so out of place.  This has been happening alot lately at shows I've been at in the last few months, gradually growing and growing to the point that on Sunday, I was lost.
Why?  The biggest reason is probably my growing hatred for the Scottish fans, the people that go to shows now; its one of two types of people that are there.  You either have these 12 year old pre-teens who are there to get pissed, show off their new hair colour and maybe give some "lucky" drunk dude a handy behind the venue during set-up.  Or your one of these old 40-50year old dudes that are there again just to get pissed and start fights.

Then you have me, all I thought about was how I reminded myself of Davey Havok; the glamest dude there, not there to drink or score with some drunk chick, but there to enjoy the music and the show.

If Im honest, I kinda see myself taking a bit of a break from shows for a few months, on top of all of that, its become such a hassle to go to them and such a big expenditure that really I just question the entire time if its really worth it.

This Sunday I have Ash in Glasgow which Im ecstatic for, those guys always kill it, it'll be my 7th time seeing them but after that, Im free till February and I think Im gonna keep it like that.

Thats all the bad part, but there is a good part to all of this, the good part is that that night, as I lay in the hostel room filled with another 4 guys, 3 of which were snoring (and so I got 70 minutes sleep *yay*), but I lay there awake just thinking and picturing myself on stage: what I'd wear, how I'd act, what I'd sing, covers, songs I've written.  I lay there and these images flashed through my head and its just re-lit my desire to become a frontman again and to try and get some kind of band together.  This'll probably have to wait till NY though, since I doubt theres been an influx of interest in a metalcore band around me here since the last time I searched.

This is just where the good starts though; I've 100% decided that no matter what, no matter if I have a definite job or not, I am going to New York in March, even if its just for two weeks myself, Im going over!

If I have a job waiting for me, I'll be going over for good, if there isn't one yet, then I'll go over and get a feel for the City and actually arrange meetings with those over there who I can sort out work and stuff with.  Flights and stuff will be sorted nearer the time, but yeah, this is something I've mulled over for a long time but finally decided on it.

Also this morning I found out that Im gonna be heading to London in February for what will be my first gig of the new year to see Greg Puciato's new side-project play a special one-off show - super mellow, super chill, synthy as hell, gonna be fucking awesome!

Sooooo what else is there, oh at work Im actually getting so much love that I kinda dont know what to do; everyone in management likes me for the first time ever and most days Im now the #2 when working, which is pretty damn cool.

I feel like I talk about my work and job alot these days, honestly its all down to the fact that I can feel myself making a difference now, and getting some recognition for my hard work.  I've never had pride in my job, no matter which job it was, I just never really cared and would probably put in little to no effort the entire time.  But now, I find myself actually WANTING to go further, to run and get that prize at the end of the line.  Like, I can feel myself being trained and groomed for a manager's position, I really can; I can feel myself growing in the role, going higher and higher, and dare I say, putting in that effort every second I can so I can get just that little bit higher on the ladder.  Of course a very big reason for all of this new found motivation is down to trying to impress as much as possible to reflect better on my transfer, but still, I dont know, Im really enjoying my job and everything it entails....apart from the 8am delivery shifts I guess, having to be up at half 5 in the morning isn't exactly my favourite thing.

I think thats me all caught up; in general things are pretty good and I have a clear mindset of where Im going as the new year turns, a quick little trip to London, then off to the States for a few weeks atleast (hopefully more), and most importantly the whole move/transfer ramps up the second the clock strikes 12 on the 31st of December.

I have great people around me, both here and further afield, and as things start getting fun in life again, these people will be rewarded for putting up with my moans and groans over the last 6 months.