Death Tells The Truth, But Its Imagination That She Lacks // My Miserable Life!

Its been a while since the last post; the main reason is that I've had no time, and when I have I've been tired as piss!

The last few days have been the most constantly pain filled I think I've ever had and today I got to the point where I just couldn't do anything.  I couldn't walk, I didn't want to work, I couldn't stand, I just wanted to collapse but even then my foot would be throbbing so that wouldn't help at all.  I just wanted out; out of everything and just not feel this pain I've felt for so long now.
I know I seem to complain alot about it, but honestly, whenever I've been around people, talking, laughing, whatever - if anyone is reading this and has been around me or anything like that in the last two months, just so you know: I've felt like crying and screaming in pain pretty much 24/7.  I struggle putting on a pair of socks, I can barely walk at the best of times, and every second of every day for the last two months my foot has been throbbing and all I can think about is when I'll be getting my surgery!
That day is coming though, tomorrow I get my surgery to fix my toe!!!

I'm super pumped for it and just want it over and done with - not that its all that sore, I mean I had the exact thing in December so I'm not scared or whatever, more just wanting it done as quickly as possible, so I can rush home and get in my bed with some vinyl on before the anesthesia wears off and my toe starts killing more than ever.
I dont want to get graphic, but I've actually not said to anyone what specifically is wrong; the thing is my toe is broken and theres nothing much that can be done for that really, what the surgery is for is what has been caused by this.  My toe broke in a way that pushed my nail INTO my toe, and with it growing, it rips into my foot every time I move it, so now you can understand how simply walking is pure agony.

Em, onto other things, yesterday I spent the entire day with peeps I work with in like a fun day.  Went go-karting and then this laser-tag thangy.  Was a fun day out, but I totally felt like blowing chunks all over the shop after I got my - go-karting made me so damn dizzy and sick!

Errrr errr errr I suppose thats really, I am in pain and that wont be totally changing for atleast another few days but atleast after those days I'll be fine(r).  Oh, I am working overtime majorly next week, like 2 full days that sucks so damn hard!  I really want to rest and have already been moaned at for taking it up but honestly I just need the money and again its probably just my stupid sense of pride or my stupid sense of never wanting to let anyone down but I've agreed and will see how things go - I think I should be good enough to do them and in the end I'll have a boatload of money off of it so its worth it in the longrun.
The way I see it, with this extra money I can look after myself, be more comfortable and be able to help out when it comes to paying for things in my flat.

I THINK this is it, I mean I dont have much more to write about; I mainly just wanted to rant and rave about just how in pain I am and how meh I've been feeling over the last while, physically.  It has been weighing on my mind and controlling what I can do and how happy I actually am and everything like that.

Not that many funny gifs either, again this was more just me opening myself up and letting out stuff that I've tried not to take out on anyone for the last few months.

Bye.

Leave A Tip For Norma Jean, She Needs The Advice

*title totally all mines, just saying cause I lurv this one*

Ok, so today was supposed to be the big day where I got surgery and finally got my broken toe sorted - right well instead I got screwed over and now I have to wait a week until I get it now.  I dont want to talk too much about it because I've spent the better half of the day trying to get over the intense anger I had racing through myself, so all I'll say is that they are fucking clueless and just need to get a tighter ship, because frankly I'm super over having this broken toe!!

Onto other things, happier things, last night I finally caved and splurged on the very limited Norma Jean vinyl boxset.  700 ever made, 4 discs, 3 albums, 2 of the albums on split-coloured vinyl and the other is a picture disc.  These are like 3 of my favourite metalcore albums ever so I'm stoked as hell to finally be getting them in!!  They weren't cheap, not cheap AT ALL but fuck it, I have the money, I wanted them so screw it...right?!

I've also been suffering majorly with insomnia again, or maybe its just stupid causes that are stopping me from sleeping, either way its getting on my tits and I just want to sleep at this point!!

Em em em emmmmmm, something happy and nice, oh right yeah I'm getting a good chunk of cheddar (money) this weekend from work: I'm working a full on day Friday, Saturday I'm getting paid to go to some ass fun-day, and then on Sunday I'm working as usual so get paid then.  This is all fine and well, means I wont be seeing/meeting Road Warrior Animal though, but kinda fine with that, I mean tbh I'm just not that bothered at all.  Would rather the money.

Oh I did find out today that Every Time I Die are playing in one of my favourite venues in Glasgow come March, so I'm stoked as piss for that; as usual I assume it'll be a rager!!

Hmmm, I dont think theres anything else going on really - kinda feeling a bit off tonight though due to all this anger build up and I think the lack of sleep is totally killing me, plus I'm just in an overall angry mood I think.
Away to work out and just blast through it so I can try and get to bed at some kind of decent time and then hopefully sleep.

Soooooo, I guess thats it.

Pain // Fake Kisses For Distractions

pain.

My life revolves around this now; I hate complaining, it seems like its all that I fucking do nowadays.  I hate it, seriously I hate having to lie in agony, I hate sitting in agony, I hate walking around with a damn limp and having to stop periodically every few steps cause I'm in so much damn pain.

And to be honest theres more than just my toe thats in pain; I literally cant sit down on a seat anymore cause my back is just fucked, in so much pain.  I have to adjust myself for like 5 minutes before I can get into a position that is least painful.

Now, off of pain, eh I'm doing good, emotionally I am doing so much better than I have since like February, a big part of why is that last week after a small chat about stuff like this with a great friend, another possible reason to why I can easily feel down at times.

Oh yesterday I was at CollectorMania as Han Solo and it was pretty cool; would have been better if more sleep was had before.  Due to some *possibly silly* reasons, the initial plans went down the toilet so we had to be up super early to get through for the right time, and then I think the actual event itself wasn't like how I expected it.  Seemed more like some sort of a huge HMV, and I just wasn't expecting that - I mean it was still good and hell, they had some nice stuff for sale and I'm 110% sure they made a HUGE amount of money, but I just wasn't expecting to see such a emphasis on the sale of stuff. 

Caught some awesome talks, which was rad but even the big names that were there to be met were like pushed off to one side with the buying aspect taking precedence.

In all it was a good day, but could have been much better I think if I had gotten more sleep and if the event itself was maybe more organised.

Plus there were an insane amount of those pretentious nerdy fuckers, roaming the flloors and commenting on everyone "oh oh, look, he's wearing the wrong hat, HA HA!  Thats the hat the 11th Doctor wears, not the 12th, what an ignoramus.  HA HA HA!"

FUCK OFF!  Go back to your basement and wank over the idea of William Shatner and Patrick whatever his name is in a film together.  Get off your high-horse and leave your stupid comments in your pocket!!

Em, what else, I suppose I can hurray that my surgery is on Tuesday so it wont be TOO long until I can go back to my normal self, and em I dont know.  Listening to Anti-Flag cover The Clash and its not too bad, man if this had come out like a year or two before it did my old punk self would have came buckets!

On that note, think I'm gonna leave it; I cant beat cumming buckets now can I...

Oh, and pun of the day - Stonehenge rocks!

I'm Not In Love // Regret Not

So its late, and its been some time but meh - not gonna sleep for a while so thought why not, theres been a few things thats happened since the last post.

The first thing, and probably the most constant, is that my toe is still broken and getting worse; to the point that on Monday I actually passed out because of the pain and all.
Now I've had some heavy stuff happen to me (I've been concussed once, I've been knocked out about 2 or 3 times, I've blacked out from pain, I've walked around with a burst appendix (and shoulda dies really), I've been run down, fights all that stuff), but this time was honestly the scariest.  I lay on my bed and woke up a minute or two later not knowing what the hell had happened.
Everyone I've talked to about it, I've made light of it and passed by it as a 'whatever' sorta thing: but honestly it scared me so much, and still does thinking of it.  Just sorta like a wake up call that maybe pushing myself to walk miles a day isn't the best thing to do, and doing 2 hours of working out at night isn't helping.  I keep on being told by friends and even the doctors to try and take it easy - just do what I can do.  I cant do this; I cant let the idea of pain get to me, I've always tried to not let anything stop me and push through.  I've always been like that, and always will be.

Soooooooooo, what else, oh right yeah so I've talked about this CollectorMania thangy on Saturday and how I am so fucking stoked for it, like so damn excited to go to one of these things and hang with some awesome folks!
Thing is, my shirt for Han Solo STILL ain't here, and I leave tomorrow, pretty much after work so I have to HOPE like a muddafucka that it shows up tomorrow morning, so I can race through to pick it up, to race back through to race to work...tomorrow should be fun

Ehhh, I dont know I have loads of money nowadays so I have been spending way too much, like even I know myself that I have spent too much, whilst spending it!! but damn, its nice to be earning money again and earning it from a job that I love and am actually interested in.
*plus the discount is pretty rockin'*

Now now now, em not too sure what to else to say/type, oh I still haven;t watched Batman Returns since my obsession started a week ago, so theres that.

But I now think I'm just talking ass, so I guess I'll stop here.

*EDIT, Added*
The Shining gives me a boner!!

Disorder: i lose the feeling // She's Lost Control: walk upon the edge of no escape

Daily post!!

Yay right?  Well, whatever!  The above gif is not random either, the title's totally like 100% (or maybe 97%) Joy Division.
Totally hate how every slut-whore girl walking the earth talks about how "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and that, but have absolutely no clue who the fuck Joy Division are or anything about Ian Curtis - that shit boils my insides!!
The same goes for those fools that walk around in Ramones tee's yet when asked about the damn band they have no idea.  Actually happened to me last week at work; some girl came in in a Ramones tee and I said like nice tee, love the band then asked if she was a fan.  She said she had no idea they were a band and said she just thought it was a nice tee...

...BITCH!!
I shook my head and just told her I was dissapointed.  She stood there and I think was a little scared, I mean sure maybe I didn't need to comment or anything but DAMMIT to hell, educate yourself woman!

But other things, well I was working today and gosh darn it my feet are KILLING me, like they are so frigged up!  Wouldn't mind taking a night off working out but might just plow through it and relax after.  Meh, tomorrow is my night off I think, so I'll just rock out tonight and have some noice metalcore vinyl on I think.

Oh oh oh ohhhhhhh!!
I've found out that I will actually get to meet Road Warrior Animal on the 30th! :) :)
Work outing thing is 3 days after I get surgery on my toe: so going to a THEME fucking park probably isn't a good idea at all.  Sooooooo I'm gonna lie about wanting to save money and then meet Animal get a signature and see a local wrestling show at night.  This is the sorta thing I'm wanting to do more; things for me that I'll enjoy and not to worry about others as much.

Mmmmmm I think thats it, I mean I really need to take a piss too so thats influencing my decision to call this one a day.  Em, yeah, lets say this is it and I'll get another one up either tomorrow or soon - till then Candy Asses!!

The Organ Grinder And The Fire Breather

This has pretty much been my day today; screaming and shouting in agony!

My broken toe has decided to be all "fuck ya Sean, just gonna break more things!!" so now my toe is a mess and just killing me so damn much!

Also, I feel so fat - like really just so fat and gross today.  I had ANOTHER full tub of ice-cream and I just hate myself for it and feel uber fat right now.  I mean I KNOW that I'm really not that fat and all that, but man do I hate myself for gorging so damn much.  Working tomorrow I know that atleast tomorrow I wont be tempted ha, but really I just feel so meh about food these days and just blah.  I dont know, eating has become something that I have to do rather than something I enjoy doing; I eat to live, not live to eat!

Normally, with my new like relaxing view on working out I'd probably give myself the night off, what with it killing me to even lay a duvet on my feet but with this total insecurity I think I might just go ahead and slam through the rager and try and have it over and done with quickly so I can lay in bed and maybe/hopefully watch something.  Didn't watch Batman Returns last night, was too late after I finished my workout so just played some old-time games on this great emulator site (game-oldies.com I think), playing the first game I ever played 20 years ago was fun; I sucked at it when I was 2 and I suck at it now, being 22...

So apart from bitching and moaning about my weight and pains things are actually going really good for me: I finally feel like the real me is back, like I feel like I did months ago and am totally fine I think, the few days to myself to just cleanse my mind and get back to the right frame of mind.

Ehhhh oh in a week I'll be going to this Collectormania thing that I am SO fucking amped for, legit super excited for it; dressing up as Han Solo and just cants wait to be in a new environment and have fun.  Plus theres R2-D2 there so I'm SO getting a picture with him, not to mention theres a few wrestlers there that I'd like to meet and maybe get pics with.

Mmmmm I THINK thats me, and like today in a nutshell, in summary my toe hurts even more and I still have to wait a week to get surgery.  I also feel fat, even if I know I'm really not, and I want to watch Batman Returns later on.

Ohhhhhh actually just remembered, today I found out that this classic wrestler, Road Warrior Animal is coming to Dundee and doing an autograph and picture session, awesome right?!
FUCKING NOT AWESOME!!!!
Cause for some fucking reason I have to go and work in Perth because of "reasons", and the day before I have to go to Alton Towers, a trip that frankly I dont want to go on and really dont think I can afford to - maybe if I say I cant go and that I want to save money for this year at Uni hopefully they'll be fine and wont miss me, I mean why the hell would they tbh.  I would just rather sleep in my own bed, save the money that I'd end up spending, what would be like atleast £50, and just relax instead.  I'd be awkward around these folks too, I mean I've only been working there for 3 weeks or so, not even a freaking month!!

ARGHHHHH I want to meet Road Warrior Animal dammit!!!!!!

How Long Will I Hide Behind This Pen And How Long Will You Wait For Me; I Guess Until The Ink Runs Out

"if your not gonna ride the rocket, if your not gonna ride the rocket then get the fuck off!"

So today has been nothing but a total loss haha!
Like I seriously dont know how the hell its gotten to 20 to 10, I have done so little today really, but honestly I'm OK with it.  Sometimes all you need is just a day or two to yourself and just to get de-exhausted and just relax.  Its been nice for me to actually just be able to spend the last few days digesting the last six months and try and produce the real me out of it.

I think though I'm getting there, I'm sat here typing this out in elbow-length fingerless gloves and feeling super fashioncore and blasting Eighteen Visions (and different movie soundtracks, but that helps me write and do productive thangys).  I think for the longest time I've fallen into doing something that I was doing for years back in Secondary school, College and most of the first year of Uni: I'm trying to be this IDEA of a person, like trying to fulfill what I feel other peoples idea of me is, or what I SHOULD be like and act.  Thats stupid and just not right at all, not fun and just not me, which in the end was and kinda still is, the problem!

So, getting away from emotional stuff and all that jazz, I am still wholeheartedly obsessed with Batman Returns; I was able to win an amazing brand new Batman Returns tee in my size, legit like the only time I've ever seen a small on eBay.
What else, oh I bought a bunch of new JBWW stuff tonight because that awesome dude was giving away a free hand-numbered and hand-singed with orders of new stock...so you know, I kinda had to ;)

Ehhhh, apart from that stuff I think thats all thats going on with me.  As usual, away to rage out to a workout, stick on some 18V vinyl and then eat a slab of chocolate and watch Batman Returns!!

Peace out beetches!

p.s. An Aubrey Plaza gif because this post is lacking...