Empty Kisses For Distraction // Gouge My Eyes Out So I'll Never Weep

So yeah, erm I dont really know where to start here; I dont know how long Im gonna have this, I mean I know what I want to write out, I just dont know how far I can explain it all, because frankly Im still trying to make sense of it all.

For the longest time my health has been an issue, its been something that has genially worried me for a good year and a half, two years - my body has felt like its been breaking down limb by limb, bone by bone every single day.  I cant remember the last time I felt 100% comfortable and painless, there always is some sort of physical pain going on with me.

*deep breath* Ok so yesterday I found out a few things, so lets take the first and most serious one first...I found out I MIGHT have a heart problem.  Theres nothing certain just now, but tests are being done, but the doctor told me that with my symptoms that he wouldn't be surprised if there was or wasn't a problem.
For a long time I have been blacking out, I mean years, but last year it would have been, I ended up having a really bad one which was described as a "seriously bad faint" or a "mini stroke"; my face went numb, my mouth was drooped and I couldn't speak or move, I remember it still and it freaks me out so much!
The ambulance came and looked over me and there really was no reason for it to happen, they were confused and kinda just chalked it up to just a thing that happened.
This happened again back in May, though this time I felt it coming on and I was able to rush to my bed and not collapse on the bathroom floor like before.
Along with these, I still get just usual blackouts, where I just like drop and wake up with no idea whats going on and this taste of copper in my mouth. All of this scares the fuck out of me, add on headaches, the insomnia and lack of energy, lack of appetite and then you can add on chest pains, palpitations, tightness there too: I've been feeling like I've been having a full-blown panic attack for nearly 3 months now!!

Im trying to remain positive here with all of this, Im fucking scared but theres a chance that theres nothing wrong, and even if something is its most likely arrhythmia which from what I understand is pretty manageable,
I dont know, its just something thats been on my mind for so long and I've told no one, I've let the worry build up inside and I suppose now its bursting the dam-walls.
Recently the chest pains and thumping's have become more and more prominent, and constant too, I feel myself being in serious pain with it for most of my active day.

Now onto the next, which is still pretty damn serious, but I also found out that again, I MIGHT, have a herniated disc(s?) in my back.
My back has been jacked for so long, years even, like I can literally pinpoint when all my back pain started, back when I was maybe 16 and someone tackled me from behind; it was all fun and a laugh till the next morning I couldn't walk, and this continued on for a good month.  Since then I've had episodes of this again, just without the actual initial impact, just waking up and ending up being crippled for weeks out of the blue.  Now my back isn't in a state where its only really bad for a few weeks, but has now been just a dull problematic pain for months, and again the doctor felt around and told me he wouldn't be surprised with something like that is whats up.

So I kinda dont know what to do with myself, add on generic aches and pains too (stretched underarm and chest muscles, busted knees and ankles), I'm just a mess right now, I dont know what else to say about it all - Im scared but trying not to dwell on it too much, trying to stay positive until I atleast get 100% results back and not just hanging on what the doctor thinks.

Plus Im just trying to keep my head above the water, not to sink under; again lapses in posi-ness do happen, some days I am just a pissy-bitch, but for the most part, as long as I understand and can rationalise everything I see, do, and think about Im fine and can live through my days.

Moving to New York is still on, and every week and paycheck it becomes more and more real!  I just need to get a little help through the process, its super daunting and I just want to make sure I do it right; but its still a go-go and is needed more now than ever!

But now Im starting to really hurt, the base of my back is starting to really fucking stab and Im getting super tired and my breathing is like increasing my back-pain even more.
Im gonna chill out, or well workout then chill out, BUT the aim of everthing for me right now is to stay positive, drive myself to New York, get away from my family here, my job of fuck-wits and this life that has been tailored for me to fit the needs of a previous me, and not my current and growing self.


Sean

Theres No Feeling In This Place

So where am I today; its 11:30pm, I'm starting to feel tired but I'm also feeling probably the emptiest I ever have, well maybe not ever, but the emptiest I've felt in a long time atleast...

I just dont know, I feel disconnected, but happy at the same time - I feel like Im getting closer to being "me", but also feeling doubt whether I am.  Its weird, Im in a weird place, times I can be feeling so motivated, so enthusiastic and ready to take on the entire world in a fight and walk out the fucking victor; but others I just feel like collapsing into a wreck, into a heap and just crying my soul out.
I feel like every post I've written in the last few weeks its been all positive and all about how I'm gonna take over the world and all that; and yeah sure that aspect of my life is the main goal and the most prominent I guess, its the part that Im most focused on anyway.  But I feel I have sugar-coated the other side, and I'll admit the other side has seen its fair-share of action.

Its overwhelming, simple as that; doing all of this at once, having all of these realizations, all these revelations about me and my life, I can honestly say that in the last 3 weeks I haven't really slept, I haven't rested, I haven't let go of all of this at all.  Which ironically was what was a problem for me initially, that I couldn't rest up and let go.  I dont like being this stressy mess, but my brain, my gears have just been on overdrive for the last month and I cant stop them.  If its not going to New York its a modelling shoot, or its speaking and hanging out with people, or its writing on here, or its setting up my trip for London, or its trying to force myself to rest (which as stated above, fails each time), or I'm overthinking my entire relationship and friendship with Reva.  My heads not getting a chance to rest up, either is my body and its really taking its toll; last week I had a short doctors appointment and they actually called me a "physical mess", my body is broken effectively.  My underarms and chest are badly pulled, my back is really badly jacked and is now moving to my neck, my insomnia is back and as bad as ever and I'm now getting these headaches and passing out a fair amount of the time too.  I was told to try and rest, but I just cant, I cant do that just now, thinking about it its most likely because if I stop, I will end up dwelling on all the bad that I've been bringing up from my entire life - so to stop that, I just push myself all day and night till I end up passing out for a few hours at night.

I know Im not in a healthy state, really in any way you look at it; Im not physically in a good state, and mentally I feel very unstable, Im jumping from this motivated wrecking ball to this schlep thats got no feelings anywhere inside.  Today I used my whole "be myself", not holding back and I actually was able to get another doctors appointment and asked about seeing a councilor and had a small session there.  I hope this is something I can get sorted soon and can get these regularly, I've had these in the past and I always end up neglecting to tell everything which just leaves things unsaid and unresolved.  But again thats this whole not being able to trust and blah blah I've talked about that enough that Im actually getting sick of just thinking it!  Its just so fucking irritating when I think of how much that has effected me for so long!!

So what else, mmmmm, even though I am overthinking things and it maybe isn't the healthiest thing to do, its making me come to peace with alot more - for example I've come to peace with the break-up, I've come to peace with my insomnia, I've come to peace with my aches and pains.  Me and Reva could never have worked, if we had went to NY it would have been a great two weeks but then after, when she was gearing up to move there, I'd still be trying to get the money to do the same.  In the end we'd just have broken up anyway because no matter what, no matter how much we love eachother, or how much we care for the other, no matter how much the other means to us; the distance was always going to be a problem.  It always is, no matter if its just a few hours or a few thousand miles - if you cant be right there with the person you love, if you cant support them and hold onto them and show them the affection they deserve, no matter how much you want to, you NEED to: if you cant, the relationship will crumble.

This way atleast, sure theres more risk in it for me, but Im not going with her being the ONLY reason Im going, no now Im going for myself, now heck yeah the chance to be around Reva and the potential to revisit the romance properly is one hell of a reason and driving force of why I want to go; but THE reason is for me, to get away from my toxic environment and live the life I deserve and have dreamt of since I was a child.

It all still hurts, and everything new is still so scary to me, by fuck its scary, but I need to do this, because I know its worth it and its what Im supposed to do.  Maybe in the process maybe I just need to give myself a break more, maybe not workout to the point of constant pain, or maybe let myself indulge in eating every so often.
This is all still the road to rebuilding myself; its not a smooth path, there will be more dips and bumps, but where this path leads to...damn its gonna be so beautiful.


Sean

From My Mouth, Every Sound A Warning Bell!

I've lost count of how many times I've watched the above video in the last few days, I just cant help but 100% relate to every word thats said.
Im not saying this in a fangirl way or a sycophantic way either, yes this is Keith Buckley and is the lead singer of one of my all-time favourite bands.  Yes I admire his language and lyrical substance, but I am not forcing myself to have a connection to this 3 minute YouTube video because of this.  No I watch this and everything that is said hits me so hard right now, because its where I am in my life.
In essence what is being said is that he realised that he isn't the person he thought he was, but because of something inside of himself, an ego, he told/forced himself to continue on.  To be a person that he just wasn't anymore.  "I didn't really like myself, or anything that was going on".

This is exactly what I am going through right now, and have been for so long but now I find myself where he did, I find myself in a situation where I want to break away from being this "person" that I am perceived to be and to start being me, the person that I want to be.  I want to be true to myself.

Right now I am this guy that, I dont know, is seen as the "funny" one, this guy thats seen as being super sarcastic and a loner and in general a guy thats just super dark and that hates everyone and everything.  That was true...years ago, this was true 3 years back, when I first broke out of my shell, when I first found myself in this world of goth, glam and the darker side of music.  I would never smile, and I would rarely talk and would be this arrogant prick.
Now however, that just isn't me, hell down to things like how I dress; I've spent years garnering this collection of rare t-shirts, band and brand logo's that were 1/300, or 1/100 pressed, or whatever and paying out the nose for these things just because I didn't want to look like everyone else, because I was THAT arrogant that I had to be different.
I dont want to be that dude anymore; I'm not that goth I never really was but now I can safely say Im not.  I dont know how you'd genre me quite honestly, I dont think you can, and that is more than fine with me.  Im just a normal dude, I dont need these extravagant graphics or to have a shirt that only 300 people own in the world.  That gives me no joy anymore, for a long time it did but not now.  I want to use that money for more important things; I wanna save it for New York, I want to use on necessary items, hell I want to be able to use it to treat friends and show them how much I appreciate them.
And thats another thing, friends - Im not someone that wants to have the same perceived social-life as The Crow, no I actually want to spend time with people, I want to be able to just chat with people for hours and hours.  Theres nothing wrong with that is there?  Again before I was more of a loner, happy with my own surroundings and wanted to keep everyone out, now though, no way, lets let some folk in, lets let these people in and have some fun.  Life is all about fun after all, isn't it, isn't life not about making the most out of every opportunity and occurrence, good or bad, and building from there?

I dont want to dislocate myself from every aspect, for example the funny element of myself, the joking part of me is still a strong one; that is still very much me, I am still attracted to the feeling of making people laugh of smile.  I'm still good at it if Im honest, its something thats came naturally to me really since I was very young - I have always been the funny one, the one that made jokes (not to be confused with the "prick" of the group who'd do all the vandalism and stuff alike), I grew up on comedy TV and comedy all around me in forms of family members all hitting the same age range.
My comedy "skills" (if you could call them that) are something that I pride myself on, making people laugh is a hard thing to do, and so to be able to do it without really feeling like Im deviating from myself whilst doing so, its a great thing.

That all makes me sound maybe a little arrogant, and believe me I dont want to be like that, but rather I want to have confidence and I want to start being able to acknowledge what Im good at and just the bare fact that I am good at it.  That is a very hard thing to do, to tell yourself and truly believe that you are GOOD at something.  Society tells us that if you think your good at something, that your being a dick, that your being egomaniacal.  Thats so wrong, by those standards we should walk around telling ourselves that we're sub-par at everything; there is zero wrong with knowing your good at something, having confidence in yourself and your abilities.  There is obviously a line where when you cross it, you tread the ground of being arrogant, when you put others down and start comparing yourself to others and under-minding them, then yeah thats being arrogant and thats when you develop an inflated ego, which never ends well, just a longer drop when you eventually fall from your pedestal.

Its a difficult thing to do, trying to get back to the core of yourself and basically build from scratch again, its daunting but its also very necessary and the pay-off is more than worth it (I imagine).  I've started to show glimmers of this new ideal, yesterday at work my Boss started asking me questions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do; before I would have held my tongue and said what I thought she wanted to hear, but yesterday I figured why hold back.  Doing that only led to myself standing in my own light, you get over that and your already on such a better path.  So I told her what I thought, all the thoughts that had been bubbling inside for weeks and months; I told her how I am starting to become complacent, I told her I feared I would become irrelevant if I stayed in my same position, and I told her I wanted more.  I got it, she agreed with me and gave me what I wanted, she promoted me to frankly a level that I never imagined I'd get so quickly - I'm going to a position that is seen as a back-up to the Managers, and will start having responsibilities similar to a Manager.  I've seen people in the past get these and moan and complain, but damn, for me having that trust and knowing that I am at such a high level that they want me to do certain important things, thats the fucking grail for me!

So where do I go from here?  Honestly, I dont have a plan, internally I mean, I know my plan is to get too New York and that is happening, the desire for that is stronger than ever before!  But getting there is more than merely getting a flight, Visa and an apartment; getting there is my fresh start, a new go-around.  Every time I post on this, every day I think about everything, I get closer and closer to the answer; gaining spiritual inspiration from The Secret, having a resurgence of my faith and beliefs, making sense of all whats happened over the years and WHY it happened, every piece joins together and Im getting there.  My psyche is being rebuilt every second of every day, sure there are lapses, sure there are breakdowns but each one of them then brings something new to my attention and something new to look at and make sense of.  Rome wasn't built in a day, so the mind might take a little longer, but I am more confident than ever that I'm gonna get there, not only on my own but with the support of friends, I know that soon enough I will have control of myself again, not fearing if how I am behaving is true to myself, not even having to think about it because I will know it is.

The real Sean will be uncovered, and after he is the world will no longer be scary and full of fears and regrets.  It will be a place of true happiness, with no more internal dishonesty or dark corners of doubt.


Sean

All Bad Things Come To An End // All Good Things Come

This is gonna be like that Olivia Newton-John song, well kinda, "Let's Get Personal, Personal!" (nothing like starting off a post with a real bad joke now is there).

But this is gonna be super personal, I'm gonna bare alot of stuff out here, mainly because I dont feel I have enough people I can actually talk about this with, especially in a face-to-face environment and even then, I just have too much TO say that I would end up missing things out or passing over things or putting emphasis on aspects that dont warrant it.  Also, well frankly like I've said before, this helps me, writing it out, laying myself out there in writing; its easier than talking about it, the emotions dont get in the way.

So to start off, simply put I have decided that I am going to emigrate to the US, move to New York and live the life I have always wanted....seriously.  That is huge, I know, its crazy and takes so much effort and motivation but believe me this isn't a split-second decision and isn't something I have only decided on because of a "bad day".

No this idea has been rooted in my mind for years, hell maybe forever - and there are many reasons why, this post is gonna delve into these reasons and just let people, anyone that opens up this post and reads, lets them/you know why I am carrying out such a drastic move, and maybe some other things that have been weighing down on me for the last while in my life too.

One of the main reasons is that I dont feel like myself - I wish I could say I'm a fake, a fraud but honestly I just cant be that definitive, I cant make that claim because honestly I dont know if I am being unfaithful to myself and if I am, by how much, hell I dont even know how I am these days, everything seems to blur together, days go by and I dont know how I get from point A to point B most days.  I feel like I am just existing and nothing much else.

My experiences in my day to day life right now, as of this date are somewhat stable in nature: most days I get up for work, I travel through, I slub through my shift of little-to-no responsibilities and go home, try and eat something and lie around before I workup and then try and sleep.  This routine is fine and all, as a person I prefer a schedule, a list of actions to get through in-order during the day - but what happens when your main objective in the day is a dead-end, is such a negative environment where your boss is against you simply because of how you dress and talk, and doesn't take into account your dedication and loyalty to the company, your work ethic and motivation, that she doesn't take into account just how much fucking effort you put in, and how fucking good at my job you are.  No matter the compliments, no matter the number of times OTHERS in the company give compliments, even those higher up, because I have an alternative look and the fact that I do my job and dont kiss ass I am held down, stopped from being given opportunities that I deserve and would nail, and in return I end up being given the jobs of a rookie, of a person that hasn't been at the company, in the damn retail sector for longer than a few weeks!!

My frustration goes wider than my work, but when you go to a job that a year ago was your dream job and everything you wanted to do, and still is, but now find yourself hating walking in the doors because you know you just cant get any further, if Im honest it kills me, it deflates me and pushes me away.

This has only became more known to me in the last few months since I've undertaken more hours, but its always been underlying, and I blame it for the time I spent job-hunting post-Graduation.  I spent nearly 4 months searching for jobs, frantically looking for something and thanks to this it ended up triggering my depression back, but because my only focus was to find a new, second job I pushed it aside, I hid it and buried it down not to be looked at.  What the result was, well I'll talk about that further down I'm sure.

But still on work, I should have just walked in the day after Graduation and told them I want to go 100%, let me work my fucking ass off!  I wanted to, and I knew I could get the overtime, but even then I had been burned before with false promises that I suppose I knew I would get the hours but it would do very little to/for me apart from a money standpoint.  Now lets go from here, I started searching around for something else to tact-on and found myself in these "jobs", these situations where I was over-qualified and had no business being there.  I am not someone who is to work in a Call Center, not that theres anything wrong with that, but for me, I have no business being at one.  I wanted the money, so I undersold myself to MYSELF and went for anything that would have me quickly, I got some places; I found myself in these rooms where I was surrounded by these sweaty, out of shape, loud people that are the exact opposite of me...instantly I felt out of place and unwanted.  So I go through a few of these but then find a place where I figured I could maybe hack it, or atleast long enough to have some money.  The Tesco Call Center, this is the place that broke me, broke me so much that I am still trying to fit the pieces of my life together.  The hours were so horrendous, I was up at 8am and didn't get back home until midnight, any normal person would say "thanks but no thanks" to it, but me, thanks to depression and self-esteem problems I felt like I didn't deserve the luxury of quitting, almost that I deserved the misery.  This led to the end of something even more important that I'll cover again later.

I left after a week, but the damage was done.

I went to H&M, I told them I wanted it all, I wanted the keys to the kingdom and to let me work my way up; I was told I could get this promotion, it was laid out for me, for me to apply and get.  I was excited, I felt like I was going somewhere, I felt like all my effort, the overtime, the perseverance was to pay-off.  I was finally getting what I deserved, maybe my boss finally acknowledged that I was worth it, maybe she was coming around; others were, the person who would have been my boss-type of person in that area of staff worked with me for a solid week, I guess it was soft-training, and I kicked its ass.  I really did, I was doing a job that I had no formal training in and I was doing it justice, things were looking up.

But the application seemed to be getting drawn out, the whole process seemed to drag and I started feeling like I wasn't being taken seriously - I then went online and saw the position had been put up on the site as vacant, which meant they were done with internal applications.  I walked in, tears inside, butterfly's the size of eagles and I was met with an "oh sorry, we need someone with experience and I just dont feel you have it".

I swallowed my pride, I told her I understood and went on my merry way; inside I was fuming and again I was deflated.  Of course Im inexperienced in the role, thats why I would have been trained!  The person before me didn't even have a quarter of my experience when she got put in for training, so why the fuck was I deemed as a rookie, as a dosser to just stay in my position of having to ambush customers and stand like a robot on tills?!  Is she that petty that she would rather waste the time, money and effort in looking for someone to take this position which from a money and hours standpoint, kinda sucks.  I was back to square one.

It was here that I knew I had no future in this store, not the company or the fashion retail sector, but THAT store.  No matter what, Im not going anywhere soon, and being in such an environment, being in a job that physically and emotionally hurts you, I just couldn't do it anymore.  I need out, I need something new.  This Christmas season I will grab as much overtime as possible, I will build up my money and as soon as I can, Im handing in my notice and transferring to another store in NY.

I've just got to grind my teeth and work through it.

Another thing, is the people here - my work isn't my biggest frustration living here, infact its a dull one if Im totally honest, what is the biggest part of why I am leaving is the people, my "loving" family, I need away from it all.

I have no place here, I dont fit in at all; over the last few years I have lost so many people, people that I was so close to, and the reason for these loses are never revealed.  Now I understand life drifts people apart, I get that and understand, but to go from being talkative to a person on a daily basis to not even acknowledging them a week later, its insane.  This has been a problem for years, since I was 13/14, so a decade, back then I had a large friend group, we were all close, all growing up together and it was great. What happened one morning changed my life forever, I hope its something I will one day be able to not think about and have its effects wear off, but Im not sure.  One morning I go to our usual meeting spot and nothing, and that word, nothing, explains the next year.  I was in a world of nothing, my so called friends had rejected me, had cast me aside for no reason whatsoever, no reason has ever been given.  Then one random afternoon they all came back to me like nothing had happened, like those nights I went home and broke down were fictional, like the feeling of betrayal in my gut was just a figment of my imagination.  From that day, I haven't been able to trust anyone, how could I?!  Whats to say this wouldn't happen again, isn't it easier to just push everyone away than to worry about having that feeling again?

This all led me to become a husk of my former self, I stayed in the background now in an effort to not rub anyone the wrong way; gone was the fun-loving kid that would throw out jokes, be the "funny one", gone was the kid that loved the outdoors, fuck gone was the kid that did anything!
I spent the next 5 years indoors, I stayed out of everyone's way and pretty much ended up being the punching-bag to my friend group, I hated every second of it, but as long as I didn't say anything I had people I could atleast stand around with, and as a 15 year old kid, that was the most important thing to me.
Just writing this out is making me see and understand how fucking ridiculous that decision was and to see how badly its effected me still to this day is stupid, why do I let this still ruin my day-to-day relationships?!
Now?  Like I said above, I feel like I have lost 90% of the people I held dear to me once, I feel like I have no one here for me, apart from maybe a handful, and even the majority of this small handful just isn't close enough to spew these things to, so I'm left going through the motions when around these people.  I do have people that are there for me, that I break through and do trust with all I have, people that I can let this stuff out to, for them I am so grateful and couldn't ask for better people to have around me.

It wasn't only these situations with friends that have made me as a person feel insecure and out of place here, my family have gradually become a cancer to my life, and I know, not everyone's family is nice and all that - this isn't me being all "woe is me", but I just feel for me, the way my family is, just proves that I have no support here in any form and has added to my frustrations here.
Im not going to go into too much detail but to be blunt, my mother is an alcoholic and has been for years, and yes yes again this isn't a huge thing, BUT the person she is when she's drunk, which is rapidly increasing each and every day, is just a cold callous shell of a person.  She makes me feel bad for my work, she tries to push in my face as much as possible that my contracted hours to work a week is only 8, she likes to make herself superior to me in every junction.  When I go through spats of depression, to her its a big joke and me overreacting, because "what do I have to be so depressed about?!".  And the kicker, two nights ago I was sitting down and she came into my face, drunk and reeking of drink of course, telling me how much of a horrible person I was for leaving and in-turn leaving my Gran, how when I move to New York I am gonna end up on the slums, and fine this didn't effect me, but the fact that she said it, the fact that my own mother said this to me, I dont know, its things like that (that are happening more and more as she drowns herself even further into alcoholism) that just amaze me and make me hate my surroundings here even more.
I dont want to dwell on my family matters too much because I dont think this is the proper forum to air these feelings, frankly I dont know if there really is one, but I feel its enough to get the point across.

So away from family, away from friends, hell away from work, why move so far away?!  Why not move to Glasgow or London, Aberdeen or hell even just 20 minutes down the road back to Dundee?
Its really really easy, and theres a few reasons; I've always wanted to go there, since I was a kid I always wanted to go and live in New York, now at the tender age of 23 I feel its time, I have work experience to get me over there, I have my degree, why the hell not?!
Another reason, well hey, its about a girl - the last 3 years I have had the amazing pleasure of getting to know the incredible woman Reva, the last year we were in a relationship, through all the hardships I have went through in the last year, it was the one thing I could always count on, she was the one thing I could always count on.  No matter what, I had her love, no matter what I always had a reason to smile.
But a week and a half ago things changed, we broke up, and even still I dont think I have fully processed it, but then again I think I had always been prepared.  The distance was a huge issue, my money-situation was another and prevented me from being over there sooner to be with her, but the biggest problem was something I mentioned before; it was my trouble opening up and coming out of my shell.  I do think that there were more reasons, especially as we've talked more since, both our depression's are building up again, and we're both in a pivotal point in our lives where we're setting ourselves up for the future - its hard to do this with a partner on the other side of the world, its hard to deal with the depression when the person that is supposed to be by your side can only be present on a screen.  We're both in similar surroundings too, we dont have support where we currently live, we're both a little fucked up and need to find our own paths back to normality before we can continue on our shared one.  And thats the thing, we both have the desire to move to NY, we both are moving to NY, and we both believe that we'll continue this avenue of our relationship at this later point.  We didn't break-up because we weren't good together, or because one of us was a bastard, or because we hated each other.  We still care about each other, we are still attracted to each other and we still love each other; I think we just need a break to be able to balance ourselves out and to put all of our focus on ourselves for a bit.
Im not going to lie, it still hurts, I still feel empty inside, and I still blame myself for all that happened, but I think this happening was inevitable, if not now it would have been during/after our planned NY trip, so Im trying really hard not to dwell too much on it and stay focused on the future of us, and the current stage we're at where we're still pretty much in the same place we were, only we cant show the affection.
The hardest part is easily the communication, knowing I had someone I could talk to about anything at anytime was something I treasured, not waking up to a message from her or just getting a short notice telling me how good the gig she went to was, these little things were the things that made me smile the most.  Knowing she was smiling was my drug, and was what made me sleep better and wake-up easier - even now as corny as it sounds, she is the first and last thing that is on my mind, all day thoughts of her smile race through my head, thoughts of what she's doing, they plague me, but by God I dont want them to leave me.  No matter what, I will always love her, and Im already counting the days till I can actually hold her, take her on dates and even just see her in person - this is a big reason why I need to leave now.
Now this isn't me trying to jump the gun too much or seem like all I care about is getting back to a romantic place between us; no this is something that I will look at later on in time, and will cross that path when it comes.  For now, all I know, all I want is for our friendship, our bond to continue on and to just continue to grow and grow - the last year was never about her being my girlfriend, it was never about scoring points or doing things because I felt I had to.  To me, I did all I did, I was by her side for an illness she is still suffering from, I listened to her, I sent care-packages, I did all of that not because of a label but simply because I wanted to, because I cared so so much for her, and that wont be changing ever.  She's one of the few that I feel comfortable with talking about serious things with, I wasn't before because of internal problems with ME (not wanting to scare her, not wanting to hurt her, not wanting to worry her; I was just trying to be caring and considerate of her feelings and the situation she was in, I thought I was doing the right thing I really did) but now I am ready to let her in, and like I said, to grow our bond.  Reva is a very important part of my life, and I am so thankful every day that we met 3 years ago.
I want to shed the shit that has kept me down too long and I want to let it go and live: I wanna go to the clubs, go to a different gig every night, I want to walk the streets of Brooklyn, catch the Subway, eat the food, walk Central Park, climb the buildings, all of that!  I want this life, I want these people and I just need it all in my present and future!

I've been living my life not knowing who I am, not being sure of what happiness is because honestly, something thats gone through my head so much over the last 10 years has been how I cant remember the last time I was consistently happy, Im talking 100% happy for longer than a few hours, and even then I dont think I've been 100% happy at those times anyway!
For so long I've been living this life where the only things that brought me any form of joy was commercial materials, buying clothes, spending a fortune on any t-shirt I liked because it always meant I had something to look forward to, I had a reason to be excited for that one package to come through the letterbox.  I was attempting to buy my happiness, and the sad reality is that it worked for so long, until Reva - I had her to look forward to.

I feel out of place in this world too, I dont want to get too hipster and all, but living in this world thats controlled by how many "friends" you have on Facebook, or how many "likes" you get or "retweets" or "hearts" or whatever else, as someone that craves the contact of humans, that relishes in it and enjoys it above all else, I find myself adrift in a sea of pointless attempts of validation, shitty spammings of selfies and focus being drawn on aspects of life that are meaningless in all realistic-purposes.  I hate that I am part of this world and society where a child at the age of 4 would rather play on a new state-of-the-art phone than play with toys and friends.  Instead of adventuring outside, making friends, bonding, 7 year old boys would rather play on their Dad's tablet; I just feel this world has become a very scary place, a place where whats important just isn't, having every conversation include the words "messaged" and "did you see what she posted last night" is like nails on a chalkboard for me.  And Im no better, I do the same thing, I open Facebook and I leave it open so I can message the few people I care about, but believe me I hate doing it.  Its a toxic system that is sucking away real interaction - now it has its uses, for example being able to contact people who you just cant interact with in a face-to-face environment, but to see the people that use it as a way to try and showcase how AMAZING their life is; telling me what they've been watching for the last 3 weeks, or what they have been eating, or what they did last night and "how it was the greatest night ever" is just something I dont care to see plastered on a website that I use for few minimal tasks.  These people who are so void of people around them that they have to spout these insipid posts every few hours just shows how desperate they are, shows how they have become so reliant on these areas of life that they'd rather tell everyone about it via writing it on a website with a smattering of smiley faces instead of having a real conversation with them.  Its just another part of life that I need away from, its a rampant problem with many I know or have known and been around and had to be subjected to through my University time; I had to smile and grin through it.

**tangent over**

I know its a drastic move, I know its a crazy decision but I have to make it, I have to move over there and I have to do it for myself and my future.  I cant stay here, harmed by the past, the baggage, I cant do it anymore.  I cant stay living here with this misery filling my body, being so close to tears every second, physically feeling myself holding on to my sanity and stopping myself from breaking.  Its a struggle being around these people, this place and my time doing it is up.
Every day I learn a little more about how to get over there, every day i work a little more to get just a little more money, this all builds up and my goal to get over there for my birthday and celebrate it with others over there is on track and easily obtained.  I have this image in my head, how the day will pan out, and aslong as I keep this picture in my head, as long as I keep that ingrained inside and I strive for it - I dont see what can go wrong, with a positive mindset and a positive outlook,


Sean

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Do

Two days ago I was so close to happiness, I felt it, I could taste it - I finally let myself embrace it all, all the good that I had coming to me.  This morning I lie here, tears in my eyes with none of it intact.

I split up with Reva, and just typing this is killing me, I loved her so much, I still do and always will, the last year of my life, getting to talk to her all day every day, getting to show her the affection I had always wanted to, to get to tell her how amazing she is - all of this, it made my day each and every time.  I knew there were problems, these were the problems that ended it, and sadly the majority of them were on my part.

I have lived with a barrier up my entire life, I've had experiences that have scarred me, I try and not dwell on them, I hide them because frankly, if I didn't I'd be a mess every second of the day.  I wear a smile, a fake one, and very few people have seen me without this masked joy.
I didn't open up, I wish I had, I always wanted to, I really did but I just couldn't - I was so scared that I would hurt her more, or scare her or make myself come across as too serious which is something I've lost people because of before.
However doing this only created an imbalance of trust, or at least the perception of it; Reva bless her heart opened up from the get go, she told me things that very few in her life knew about, she opened up and told me it all.  She had these same worries, these same insecurities but she still did it.  Every time she did this it meant so much to me, that she trusted me with this information, but I just couldn't return the favour.  Its not that I didn't want to, because I did and its not because I didn't trust her, because I always did and always have - I just couldn't risk losing her, scaring her away, and in the end, hiding it away from the woman that I loved with every inch of my heart, well it ruined it.

In short, I ruined a relationship with the woman I loved, with the woman I had loved for years behind the closed doors of myself, she was mines, she loved me, and I ruined it and for that, I will never forgive myself, never!

After a conversation last night we got everything really sorted out, we cant be together, this aspect of me needs to change and I need to stop self-destructing myself.  She told me no one will ever get to love me until I love myself, and she's so right - I dont love myself, I dont do what I should do to myself, my own happiness is secondary, others are the most important thing to me and I accept the bare minimum.  I cant live this way, not only does it hurt me deep down, this ended up hurting the one person in the world that I never wanted to harm, again I cannot forgive myself for this.  I cannot forgive myself for losing the woman that honestly, during the last year, we had talked about marriage, we had talked about children, 8 months ago we were sure we'd be together for the long run, we were sure this was IT.  Again, typing this is killing me, flashes of these conversations are flooding my mind and my soul, my heart aches thinking about them.  This ache will not dull any time soon, I know this and it scares me.

We're still staying friends, we still love each other, and dare I say it, I wouldn't say that this is the end of our romantic status; Im not saying that we WILL get together again, but I wouldn't be surprised if we did, our friendship was what blossomed first, that resulted in attraction, and even through the entire relationship, I never felt like I had to try, like it was never hard to talk to her, we had built this amazing friendship, this bond that is strong, so it wasn't hard to just talk to her, nothing changed really between what we talked about or even how we talked.  We still geeked about Eighteen Visions, we still talked about our mutual hates in the music industry, we both talked about our experiences in modelling, we talked about how we both desired to move away from our shitty hometowns and get to live our lives the way we both wanted and deserved to.

We're both on our ways to living these lives, only I think we both wished, and even maybe still do wish that it was with eachother like we talked about.

Now where do I go from here, what do I do?
Do I fall into a depressive state and hate everyone and everything around me?  I hope not.
Do I break down and dwell on how I ruined the best thing in my life over the last year?  Maybe.
Do I just end everything to dull the misery and pain?  I really hope it doesn't come to this.

What do I WANT to happen?  I still want to go to New York, I want to move out there permanently, I want to go there myself and live the life that I need to, that I've always wanted to.  I want to make sure Im happy, fuck I dont WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this, because as long as I sabotage all the good that I have, I will never be able to finally say to goodbye to depression, I will never be able to have a life.
Me and Reva are still friends, good friends and that makes me so happy, that I haven't ruined our friendship, to know she still loves me and knowing we both will always have that between us does bring some joy to me.  I dont like saying "never", like I said above I wouldn't be surprised if something happened between us again, when we're both free of the shackles of depression and other internal problems.  When we're both healthy and happy, I really hope we can revisit this avenue of our relationship, and I think she does too.
Seeing her with someone else will kill me, I know that, and even just thinking about it now is emptying my entire body, my insides twist, my soul drains.

But that is something I need to get over, and hey, I do plan on moving there as soon as I can, maybe 6 months time, and maybe this is the sadness taking over because Im now dwelling on the idea of getting her back so much.

So, what was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I just cancelled my flights, and that is what breaks my heart the most - to know that I wont be holding her, atleast not yet, not getting to experience that first moment of us seeing each other.  This is what is the hardest part of all of it, and Im going to end this entry in tears because honestly, no matter how much I talk about how excited I am for the future, or how glad I am that we're still friends, or how jealous Im going to be when/if she gets together with someone else, the fact of the matter is inside, Im just so sad.

The Importance Of The Moment Of Death

So things are starting to hit me, all thats to come, all that I need to work towards, all that I still have to do to ensure these things not only just happen, but that I make the most of them!

Today was my first day off work in 6 days, and really the first full day where I didn't have to be running around everywhere in probably 2 or so weeks; I've been running myself hard, grinding down and Im not complaining, I like life like that, I dont want to feel unproductive, but it was nice to just lie around today, relax and take a breath as it were.

The last week I have been working non-stop really, in short my work is short-staffed and everyone has started Uni again so me being the only one NOT at Uni, I've taken on any and all over-time, which works just fine cause I need the money!

Whats also been a nice change is that I feel appreciated at my job now, finally after a year and a bit, I feel like my talents are being used and they are starting to test me/get me ready for going for this promotion that would see me bumped up in hours, pay but most importantly in tasks and responsibility.
So this week I have been getting a taste and honestly, its much harder than I expected it to be; I realised that I cant just half-ass things now, if I want this and want to do the job justice, like really give it a fucking go and show that I am worthy of it, I'm gonna need to put in the hard work, the effort needed!

Its also hit me that I can now say "next month I go to New York"....next month....NEXT MONTH?!  Where the fuck has the time went, I feared that it would drag when I initially bought the ticket, but I wasn't prepared for things to go in the exact opposite way and go by so quickly that frankly its starting to panic me now.

Theres still so much I have to do; I have to get travel all sorted for the night, a place to get a shower in Glasgow before I head to the airport, my visa still, what to do with my phone and card, get money exchanged (if I need to), fuuuuuuuuuuuck, mucho stuffo!

Not to say this fear is overtaking the absolute fucking joy I feel every day that goes by - the quicker it goes by, the more excited I am for it all.  To see Reva's face for the first time, to hold her, all of that soppy stuff that Im not gonna pour out here because IMO theres a time and a place for that sort of stuff.  But I'm just so excited to be with her and get to enjoy the two weeks there with her and enjoy NY as a place too; it'll be my first holiday in so long too, so theres that aspect of it all too.

BUT apart from NY and my job, Im....erm, well, Im not really doing much tbh - everything Im doing is kinda all for that purpose.  Im working as much as I can for money, that money is for going to NY - frankly I feel like Im talking everyone's ear off about it, I mean I am super excited and all, but I hate hate hate being that guy that just goes on and on about the awesome stuff Im doing or gonna be doing.  Why?  Well honestly I see it as a case of when people are like that to me, unless its someone I care about and like, I just wont care, and hell why should anyone care about what Im doing?  It baffles me as to why anyone would be concerned with what I am doing - sure sure thats all rooted in low self esteem which I will admit to having in some aspects of myself, but I just dont know, I dont see why anyone would care about me going on holiday.  I know people genuinely do, and its appreciated, super appreciated for that matter, but I just dont feel like I deserve that amount of attention.

Im starting to be happy again, slowly but surely, with the help of the few people I do care about and want to talk to and spend time with, I am getting back to feeling good, or as good as I have done in the last few years.  I dont know, I just dont ever see myself getting to the point of happiness I had when I was in my mid-teens, where I was happy, content and lived my life carefree.  Maybe thats why things are harder now, maybe its just this thing called "life", or maybe its been 23 years and counting of horrible experiences that keep flooding me inside.  I dont know, but as long as I have people that I do care about and am willing to let me and be myself with, and willing to let myself be myself and not try and be someone I'm not or let myself get lost in the shuffle, I think things will only get better.

First its this promotion, then its New York and Reva, and then, well, I'll see...

Let Me Be The One To Breath

Its been a few days now, 4 I think since everything changed, I found my PMA again and started to really just let it run wild, not let the negative in and try and just enjoy life again.

I can safely say I have, and frankly I have felt more at peace than I have in a long time; sure I still try and push myself to be doing something every second and go into slight self-hatred when Im relaxing because that time could be spent on doing something productive, but for the most part I have been able to find a balance of productivity and relaxation so to not feel too bad about it.

Tomorrow is THE biggest day though, the biggest challenge so far - I have an interview for a PC store job, and if I could have it, oh fuck it would make everything SO much better, so much more comfortable and money woes would not be a thing, atleast not until after my trip to New York.

But today doubt did creep along; I've went into interviews before and thought I had it, and that it was mines to lose sorta thing, and then left empty-handed and frankly down-trodden.  So Im trying to to get too reliant on the idea of getting the job, and I mean money isn't gonna be that big of an issue, I'm taking on so much overtime at H&M that honestly Im atleast hitting my target of having $2000 within the newt few weeks, which then leaves another month or earning to bump it up more, so Im feeling alot more chilled about that aspect of it all.  Though its really starting to hit just the magnitude of the whole trip, how much its going to mean to me; going to NY is something I have wanted to do for years, since I first saw the New York episode of The Simpsons when I was 7, I knew I wanted to go there and experience that place, now, in 51 days I will have this dream ticked off.  

Thats not even mentioning the main reason Im even going, to see my incredible girlfriend Reva, a person who I had a crush on for two years and would stalk on as many social media sites as I could find - if someone had told me two years ago that we would be meeting each other in NY, never mind going together as a couple, I'd have laughed in your face.  Now that its happening, now that I can look at my itinerary and see when I get in, see that its official that not only that Im going, not only that I get to experience all of the wonder that is THE city, I get to do all of this whilst being in her company, its super fucking overwhelming!

I have talked about the trip so much to people, to the point that I really dont want to because Im in fear of being 'that' guy that is trying to brag on the simplest things; I know a bunch of people that have been to NY, so I dont want to be all "HEY, I'M GOING TO A CITY THAT LITERALLY ANYONE CAN GO TO IF THEY WANT!!", but its all just a big deal to me and is more than just a holiday to New York.

Nowwwwww onto other things, mmmm with taking time for myself I have found myself binging on the WWE Network, reliving memories that I haven't had the chance to really in nearly 20 years; watching Big Boss Man and Steve Austin go at it, seeing Ken Shamrock lose it and Mr McMahon being just a dick to everyone, ahhhh memories!

Its been nice to just lie back, and watch some stuff, its aided in again keeping me relaxed, keeping me sane and its been nice to actually be nice to myself.  I'm the person that is always there for everyone, I always am and I always will be.  No matter the time, day, whatever, if someone I care about needs help I will be the first one at hand to do everything I can and the last to leave once I'm sure they are ok.  I do this so much that I end up sometimes neglecting myself, and in turn I'm the one a few weeks later that is needing the help, but because of trust issues and me not wanting to burden people I go all internal and brood like Val Kilmer in a black panther suit!

*brood*

Now I am not disregarding helping people and I'm in no way blaming those that ask me for help, in fact Im the one who voluntarily goes out of my way to help almost every time, I guess I just need to remember that Im a person too, Im a person that has suffered depression before on multiple occasions, and so its ok to reward myself and almost acknowledge the help Im doing and how much I'm making a difference.  

Mmmmmmm, oh in a mere 3 hours I'll be able to download the new Burn Halo record, an album I have been waiting for literally for 3, maybe 4 years; so I am beyond amped for it, though I'm also on the fence about it.  I cant see it being everything I want it to be; I cant see James Hart sneaking a hidden cover track of "Tower Of Snakes" or having a track on it where I can hear the 18V influence, BUT all that said I am excited for it and as always, any new music from one of my favourite bands is always music to my ears (pun intended).

So with all this out there, with seemingly everything under control I think things, or hell life, is starting to shape up nicely for the first time in a long time - the next few weeks and months are where things honestly get fun.  I'm trying to remind myself of that, remind myself of the fun of life and not let the shitty things get me too down.  

You cant live that way, you cant live in fear of something bad happening.