Don't Stick Around // Settle Down, We're Gonna Die

*This is probably gonna end up being super personal of a post, so if you dont want to know about shit like that about me and your reading, stop now and go look at pictures of Aubrey Plaza instead*

So, tonight has made me realise two things about myself;  I need to start getting over this awful trust issue problem I've been suffering from for 9 years, and I also need to start looking after myself much more and actually rest.

Lets tackle the trust part first:

This is something I hate, but years ago I had some shitty thing happen and since I have just found so much solace in relying only on myself and choosing to trust very few people, very few times.  I find it so hard to do this, to let go of control and leave something up to someone else - I mean what if they fail, or what if the problem doesn't go as planned.  This encompasses everything, including the easy thing of meeting someone, I have so much dread when I go to meet anyone because there's such a huge part of myself that feels that for instance, they wont be there, or if they are they dont want to be.  Maybe being around me is somewhat of a pity move, and they are only talking to me/being around me because its polite.
Who would want to be seen with a 22 year old male that wears eyeliner and wears clothes that are so damn tight?

This leads into a problem with self confidence too, but this isn't too much of a problem; sure its something I struggle with but honestly I dont think theres too much of a problem when it comes to my ego.

The next part is rest:

I punish myself with working out every night, I punish myself with pushing myself to do things that I just shouldn't (going for walks spanning miles on a broken toe), hell working out with stitches in my stomach.
Dont get me wrong, I love working out and enjoy the peace it brings and the whole joy I get from how I look after it but honestly - so much of the time now I am exhausted and just drained of everything.
I live with this idea that everyone can always look and be better, and the idea of stopping and resting rarely comes into mind.

I know these problems are things that I need to address and just get over; now its starting to affect a number of relationships, relationships with people that I care about, people that I have known and been friends with for aslong as I can remember.  Without addressing these and kicking them in their ass, well whats gonna happen is I'm gonna end up alone again and the struggle will begin again and will only be 10x worse.

Life is a weird thing but you only have one go, so why the hell push people away and why punish yourself?