Prelude To An Epic // Cocoon

The end of the year is looming, everyone is reflecting and trying to rationalize what they did and why they did some things over the last 12 months.
Its no secret that this year has been up and down for me, but the most important thing is the now, and the future.  I feel this year has been somewhat a trial, a build up of sorts for next year, next year is when everything for me gets going, when I get out of this place, move to the place where I belong to and I get to live the life that I want to be surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded by.

Right now I am in probably the best place I've been in all year; I find myself internally growing stronger and stronger, I'm surrounded by these amazing people and whats more surprising is that I feel like I deserve this - Im not pushing these people away or hiding myself from them.  Thats a big reason for this whole blog, to just let all out and let anyone, everyone read and know me, what makes me tick.
I truly feel at peace with myself, and that is something that hasn't been present very much over the last 52 weeks.

I told myself so much over this last year that I was ok, that I was going to be fine; I was lying to myself and to everyone around me, and if Im honest I think alot of people knew.  One of the biggest things to happen this year was everything that happened with Reva; breaking-up sucked, but the worst part was that I wasn't able to talk to my friend anymore, I felt so distant from someone that meant so much to me.  This feeling of distance was inside of me for the last few months of our relationship too, but I was too blinded by exhaustion and probably delusion to admit it.

But now, like I said I am in such a more stable place, and I can honestly feel the good in me, and to top all of this off Reva and I have started talking more, it feels good to be talking to her again, getting to know more and more about her, and being able to answer back to her with my own experiences and such as opposed to hiding away and only asking questions like before.  Not only with Reva, but with Singher, I feel like Im more responsive to her and that Im not just being a moany bag of glam - Im being a good friend!  The Deviant, the dude I've known for fuck, maybe 17 years, yeah he's like the dirtiest dog in the league but he does it with so much passion you cant fault him!

In general relationships and friendships are going great and are at the forefront for me for the first time in a long time; my family still suck but thats another problem entirely.  And fuck it really, I mean I dont really feel at home, I've felt homeless for months now, hell maybe a year even, I dont feel related to my family really, I am shunned down for doing nothing, and then when I try and do something and act "normally" I am told to go and do nothing because I dont live here, so how can a person win?  BUT that really is the only downside to my life right now, like it really is, with so much good on the horizons, this is really the only bad thing going on and even then its something I can shut out with constant working and hiding myself away in a dark corner of a free room.

With the end of this year it means the start of a new one, and this new one is where all will take shape; my hard work and what seems like constant shift-work will pay off, my putting up with shit from work, my dwelling in a place where I feel uncomfortable, it all pays off because next year is the year I WILL move away.
First I take a trip to New Mexico in the first few weeks/months of the year, I finally get to meet and spend time with Reva, which will be something else, I cant even describe how much I am looking forward to it - its something I've wanted to do for near 3 years now, and its been the only thing on my mind for an entire year.When we first lock eyes, its gonna be unreal.

Then a few months later Im taking her to New York for a few weeks for the trip we were supposed to have back in November; then after that, well then I move there indefinitely I hope.  Its gonna be hard, tricky but Im ready for it, so let's do it baby!!
This also means this year I'm gonna do my best to see and spend time with anyone that wants to see me before I leave, so yeah if anyone wants to hit me up (if you're reading this).

Now this whole move, theres more to it than going and seeing someone, no matter how important they are, at the end of the day you need to be doing it for yourself just as much atleast as you want to see this person, and thats the case.  Im stuck in a dive town, spend most of my time in a dive city, in a dive country that I've explored pretty much as far as I want to, I've been everywhere I want to go in Scotland and the UK, I've done all I could want to do.  Im bored here and need a change, and I want to do what I've always wanted to, go where I want to, but Im sure I've said all of this before soooooo...

As for other good things, I've started turning my job sort-of into a career in this last year; I went from being someone that was there for a few hours a week to now being really the one redeeming aspect of the store.  This isn't me stroking myself off either, our store does poor numbers, makes little money or little compared to what we should be making - the only positive comments that have come out of the last two visits management have made have been me and my work ethic,  Add on that Im being trained up more than anyone else, and its just kinda cool to feel like Im going somewhere, and that I can use his to leverage into another job at another store....somewhere...that I might be moving to...that I haven't went on about a gazillion times already.

So what else; I realised that I kinda hate Christmas this year, or no, more that it just doesn't phase me and that I'd actually prefer that people didn't spend their money on me.  There's better things they can use it on than buying me a piggybank or a scarf; no matter how good they are, and how much I DO appreciate them, they dont need to.  But then again I get stoked on getting others things, so maybe Im just being an ass.

I've talked the past, the present and future, so I guess thats all that can be talked about; in general things are good, maybe great, and I want to continue this feeling.  I'm so excited for whats to come, so much good is on the way - this last year I struggled with money, and what I did have I had this stupid appearance-thing that I needed to buy so much stupid clothing because, now though I have money and Im gonna do things I've always wanted to.  It starts with New Mexico in a mere few weeks.

I cant wait!

Sonic Death Monkey // Forgetting Days

I was contemplating not writing anything tonight, I might not after this simply because after hard work, after a very calming and thought-provoking few months I have found myself in a place where I dont necessarily feel like I need this anymore; I dont feel like I need to get every thought out of my head, because really, they aren't that bad anymore and those that I do need to extinguish I am comfortable and confident in the people around me that I can simply tell them.

This week has actually been really really good, after last week's frankly, shitty experience at the Stray show I was feeling pretty bummed, but immediately following the show and the rest of the week picked up and now, a little over a week from that point and I feel like such a resurgence has taken place.  The future is looking so fucking awesome, and so Im here like "meh"; I could go on about broken bones and things, buuuuut thats boring and a well-driven fact, soooooooo I figured Im gonna just go on about music for a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you know me you know I love music, I live for music, I breath music, everything about me is music: I'll be in a conversation with someone and randomly say out lyrics, and if I dont you better believe theres a track going through my head waiting to burst out!

Right now Im smashing through and exploring Atreyu, a band I've always been interested in and wanted to get into, but for some reason or another I just never did; right now, a few albums in I have to say, I really am on the fence - their older stuff is really fucking rawkin and Im digging that so much, but as they progress Im really just seeing them turn into maybe a heavier Avenged (who I cant fucking stand), so yeah, their newer stuff is really kinda meh, BUT like I said, their older stuff is off the hook!

Ok as I keep listening to these dudes Im really not liking the vocalist...ugh, I really want to like them but it just sounds too much like the sort of stuff I hate, mmmm maybe I'll just need to let it digest.
But this year HAS been incredible for me music-wise, its been the year where I feel my horizons have truly opened and let so much in, I've been like a sponge and soaked up so so much music this year from different genre's, different years, different projects, just so much!

I LOVE snyth music thanks to this year; bands like Depeche Mode, NIN, Cold Cave and 90's U2 have gotten so into this sort of music, then add in new things coming from bands like Tape and Triathlon and hell you have a crazy amount of old and new in this style.
If Im honest, whilst this love have been growing this year I have been worried I would lose my image of liking heavier stuff; thankfully I haven't lost this passion for that style, frankly if anything I've become more attached to it!

My favourite album ever, Eighteen Visions' "Vanity" has became more than just an album I love, but a record I have constantly going through my head, the lyrics, the riffs, the tones and just the overall feelings it gives off, the harsh and broken love that just oozes from the album is always pumping through me.

---
Ok Im gonna pause this right here, I started writing this this morning but because of work I stopped half way and was to finish later; welp I come home to a horrid, unlivable environment...again.
I've said it before, but my mother is a drunk, a literal alcoholic and as you can imagine this makes living in close quarters with someone like that very uneasy, especially when drinking they tend to blow everything out of proportion and cause arguments over things that are trivial at very best.
So I come home from working, and cause my boss is a total dweeb I couldn't use discount on something my Mum wanted so she'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it instead, and this then caused my Mum to go WAY off the handle, and to start blaming ME for doing something wrong because in her mind and words, Im a horrible person.
Now, because of something that was out of my control, I am the bad person and am being punished with verbal abuse - for something so fucking stupid!  I spend my daily life, without exaggeration, being openly told that Im unwanted, that I'm a failure and will not amount to anything, that my job isn't a real job, and so on and so forth.

I feel bad for how I feel about my Mum, I feel bad when I tell people I hate her, I hate my family, I really do - I hate that the idea of moving away and never having to lay my fucking eyes on her drunk self gives my the biggest grin possible.  But it does, it all does, once I leave this place, I dont want anything to do with her, no matter what; I know her impending death is coming, with the drinking and smoking it cant be all that far off, and knowing this, and having known this for years now...I can honestly say it doesn't phase me or do anything to me, I just dont care what, or when it does happen to her.
---

*sigh*

There that is, it wouldn't be a blog post if there wasn't some ounce of anger...

Ok, so back to music, erm yeah I did start feeling that I was losing my grip on heavier stuff; for the majority of the Summer and Autumn I was blasting nothing but 90's U2, their more electronic phase which is fucking out of this world, it really is - if you dont like U2 I still would say give it a shot cause so much of it is catchy as a damn cold!

But as time went, as the months wore on I found myself getting comfortable with where I was in life, and in turn I felt better about what I was listening to - I no longer had these guilty pleasures, I wasn't embarrassed about anything I listened to: whether it was some deathcore or pure 90's cheesy pop!
Having this feeling of freedom did, has done and still does have such an impact on me as a person and my life.  Being comfortable with what is flowing through my head, through my veins, its one less thing to worry about and another element that I can be secure with myself about.  Insecurity is a big problem for me, and I think this insecurity in what I like to listen to sometimes has always been there, I've always felt hindered at times.

Right, so some of the best this year; as is probably very obvious my year hasn't been spent listening to only new releases, the exact opposite actually, I've delved more into the past than ever before and I've discovered so much good stuff its crazy!

Like I've said, U2 from 91-97, I've already been through this so I dont want to be a broken record (music joke, BAM!) but I go super into Depeche Mode again, into other records than "Music For The Masses", I still gravitated to their more darker and moodier stuff but still jumping to other records opened more of them, which led to other bands alike.

My biggest discovery though was the record label Broken Circles who have seriously just run wild with releases this year, each and every one being as fantastic as the last.  Bands like Bandit, Ivadell, Slow and Steady, Nest, and the most importantly Triathlon are all just incredible and have all released these records that fuse so many different genres into this one, American Indie sound that is clearly being crafted by bands full of young musicians that just full-on love music and are doing the whole thing for passion, not the fame or money (and unfortunately they dont seem to be getting either, which they do deserve).

In general, my tastes have been expanded greatly but truthfully, the one band that caused this to happen was the band that I have been a fan of since I was 3, the band who's song "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" was the first song I ever liked according to family.  Its been a good year for music, not just because of this but also recommendations from others; for the two years previous to this one I had my tastes manipulated and broadened by one of my flatmates' more softer tastes, and this year I had another great person in my life bring in new elements of both heavy and softer music.  Bands like Metric, Circle Takes The Square, Unearth, Blacklist Royals, and much much more.

Now as the year winds down, and so does this blog because it feels like its been going on for AGES, I look back at the music and release that even though I felt like had fallen away from music at times and lost "it" and even found myself in a rut, I really do still rely on it so much, more than I rely on anything or anyone.

The Nothing // Let Me Be At Ease This Time

Another sleepless night has came and gone, my eyes are strained as usual and the tendons behind them ache but today's my first day of relaxation in maybe a week and so I'm taking advantage of this and getting a week's worth of thoughts out.

Ok that sounds heavy and super serious; frankly apart from the usual insomnia, lack of taking things easy and some pain I'm actually going really really good.

The week has been a bit of an eye-opener at places sure, but not just in a negative or bad way.

I hit a gig on Sunday, which the days leading up to it I was really stoked and amped for, I was really looking forward to it but when the day came, if Im honest I lost any and all enthusiasm - it almost felt like such a chore.
I get there, the weather is horrid but still I try and keep posi; I like Stray From The Path after all, they kick ass and I've never seen them before, even though I've wanted to for years...it should be great!

Well then the gig came, Im in the venue and honestly the turn-out is pretty piss poor, which can be expected thanks to the weather and the fact that it was a Sunday night show but fuck, I honestly expected more than the MAYBE 100 that were there in the what-seemed-like huge gaping venue.
The supports played their little sets, they were good enough but they had such a weird attitude; they spent half their sets bad-mouthing the fans that did show, and then the other half they spent telling us how much they appreciated us being there, then right back to calling us "fucking cunts"!

I dont know, that put a sour taste in my mouth, but in general I felt disjointed from the entire show; the bands, the fans, the atmosphere of the whole place, I was there but felt so out of place.  This has been happening alot lately at shows I've been at in the last few months, gradually growing and growing to the point that on Sunday, I was lost.
Why?  The biggest reason is probably my growing hatred for the Scottish fans, the people that go to shows now; its one of two types of people that are there.  You either have these 12 year old pre-teens who are there to get pissed, show off their new hair colour and maybe give some "lucky" drunk dude a handy behind the venue during set-up.  Or your one of these old 40-50year old dudes that are there again just to get pissed and start fights.

Then you have me, all I thought about was how I reminded myself of Davey Havok; the glamest dude there, not there to drink or score with some drunk chick, but there to enjoy the music and the show.

If Im honest, I kinda see myself taking a bit of a break from shows for a few months, on top of all of that, its become such a hassle to go to them and such a big expenditure that really I just question the entire time if its really worth it.

This Sunday I have Ash in Glasgow which Im ecstatic for, those guys always kill it, it'll be my 7th time seeing them but after that, Im free till February and I think Im gonna keep it like that.

Thats all the bad part, but there is a good part to all of this, the good part is that that night, as I lay in the hostel room filled with another 4 guys, 3 of which were snoring (and so I got 70 minutes sleep *yay*), but I lay there awake just thinking and picturing myself on stage: what I'd wear, how I'd act, what I'd sing, covers, songs I've written.  I lay there and these images flashed through my head and its just re-lit my desire to become a frontman again and to try and get some kind of band together.  This'll probably have to wait till NY though, since I doubt theres been an influx of interest in a metalcore band around me here since the last time I searched.

This is just where the good starts though; I've 100% decided that no matter what, no matter if I have a definite job or not, I am going to New York in March, even if its just for two weeks myself, Im going over!

If I have a job waiting for me, I'll be going over for good, if there isn't one yet, then I'll go over and get a feel for the City and actually arrange meetings with those over there who I can sort out work and stuff with.  Flights and stuff will be sorted nearer the time, but yeah, this is something I've mulled over for a long time but finally decided on it.

Also this morning I found out that Im gonna be heading to London in February for what will be my first gig of the new year to see Greg Puciato's new side-project play a special one-off show - super mellow, super chill, synthy as hell, gonna be fucking awesome!

Sooooo what else is there, oh at work Im actually getting so much love that I kinda dont know what to do; everyone in management likes me for the first time ever and most days Im now the #2 when working, which is pretty damn cool.

I feel like I talk about my work and job alot these days, honestly its all down to the fact that I can feel myself making a difference now, and getting some recognition for my hard work.  I've never had pride in my job, no matter which job it was, I just never really cared and would probably put in little to no effort the entire time.  But now, I find myself actually WANTING to go further, to run and get that prize at the end of the line.  Like, I can feel myself being trained and groomed for a manager's position, I really can; I can feel myself growing in the role, going higher and higher, and dare I say, putting in that effort every second I can so I can get just that little bit higher on the ladder.  Of course a very big reason for all of this new found motivation is down to trying to impress as much as possible to reflect better on my transfer, but still, I dont know, Im really enjoying my job and everything it entails....apart from the 8am delivery shifts I guess, having to be up at half 5 in the morning isn't exactly my favourite thing.

I think thats me all caught up; in general things are pretty good and I have a clear mindset of where Im going as the new year turns, a quick little trip to London, then off to the States for a few weeks atleast (hopefully more), and most importantly the whole move/transfer ramps up the second the clock strikes 12 on the 31st of December.

I have great people around me, both here and further afield, and as things start getting fun in life again, these people will be rewarded for putting up with my moans and groans over the last 6 months.

So Young: Let's Chase Our Home // Broken: Day To Day

Its a Friday night and I'm being all wild....if by "wild" you mean lying around watching Jessica Jones then yeah, Im going fucking WILD!

Seriously though, I've never been a person for caring about which night was THE night to have fun, and hell to be frank Im in way too much pain to actually step out and do anything - and the "step" part is literal.
This entire day has been very much a push, I've been in agony alot this week, well more than this week but this week has been when everything has hit again - my back is worse than ever, my insomnia is simply out of control and my toe is officially broken again so walking/standing/putting any pressure or any weight on my left foot has become a hassle.  My back is the real problem, I mean its been a problem for years and years, but in recent months/the last year its become just so bad and now its permanently effecting my legs, like the pain is now just in my legs as much as its in my back.

*Im writing this and that Nic Cage gif is going off on a loop and its the most distracting thing in the damn world!!*

But yeah, today has been a very pain-filled day, I think I got a total of 3 hours sleep (2am till 5am); my eyes are so tight just a constant source of pain, I can feel the tendons at the back just straining. Because of this constant lack of sleep my face has broken out and I feel like Im a pair of braces away from looking like a pre-pubescent 12 year old!

This all goes back to the idea that I cant relax, no matter what I just cant, I dont allow myself to - for example today even though every step I took made me wince in pain, and I was in tears multiple times, I forced myself to walk for 3 miles because I felt I needed to do that to somehow deserve a day of rest - which is fucking ludicrous!!
Even writing this I am in so much pain just sitting here typing out my innards...ok that just sounds gross.

Oh yeah and I ate an entire pizza earlier, so Im KIIIIIIINDA hating myself right now, even though I know I look fine and anyway, I am sure I'll end up working out tonight (even if its such a stupid idea). so I'll work it off easy enough.
Still, I mean, I should have better self control, shouldn't I?

I wanna say "oh but more posi stuff" but honestly, today atleast Im not sure theres much positive stuff going on - I mean for some reason I've started to really stress about the move, starting to doubt I can do it.  Last night my Mum (drunk as usual) spouted off "we'll see if you even make it to New York" and I dont know, it shouldn't effect me but fuck that just pissed me off but at the same time struck me with so much fear, stress and doubt that I have been overthinking everything since.
But then its these types of people, these fucking people that are willing to sit in their rut and put down other people when they want to do something big, its these people I need to get away from.

I dont talk about family on here much, but I'll just say it now, honestly and brutal - I hate my Mum, I hate my sister and the second I move, I plan on never setting eyes on them again.  That idea, it just brings a smile to my face.

Ok ok ok, wow things are getting bummed-out right, fuck what is all that about - suddenly Im feeling super positive, real time and everything.  You know what, fuck what people say and think; I KNOW I am going to move to New York, I KNOW I am going to get a job with a H&M there and work my way up to be a manager, I KNOW I am going to finally see all the bands I've always wanted to, and I KNOW I am going to get the life I want.

One of the worst things just now though is that people around me seem to be in bad places, whether its health-wise or just general internal things; I hate all of this, and just wish I could do more for them, I really really do.  I wish my help wasn't just limited to Facebook messenger; I truly wish I could do more; but I read something this week that was pretty awesome, like it was along the lines of be appreciative of people that are there for you because people that genuinely care are hard to come by - something like that I cant remember, but it totally just, I dont know, I thought it was pretty cool.

One thing I have been able to do today though is cram in some Jessica Jones (the new Marvel Netflix series); Im not sure if people know it about me, but Im a major dork when it comes to comic book TV and film stuff, so this has had me super amped for weeks now.

Seriously this show is so damn good, if your in need of a new show to binge, pop this sucker on and enjoy!  Not gonna say anything, dont wanna spoil, but man oh man, its like no other Marvel show/film/short out there, its rough, dark, creepy and theres a hint of some Krysten Ritter side-boob...

Mmmm so what else is there going on just now...oh I'm so fucking happy this week-off can finally end on Monday so I can get back to work, can get back to earning money and in general just get back to doing stuff!!  I've been a boring bleh all week, doing anything to keep myself sane, though on reflection I dont think I succeeded and I think I probably should have taken more time to relax and rest up my ailing bones instead of pushing myself further like I think I did.

Either way once I get back to work thats when Christmas kicks in and I work pretty much constantly for the next 6 weeks or so which Im actually really stoked on; its money, its something to do but its also just a fun time of year, I personally love Christmas, or well no let me say that again, I love the BUILD to Christmas, my favourite day is Christmas Eve, the music, the lights, the atmosphere is awesome and makes me kid-like again.  The actual day though, URGGGGGGHHHH I fucking hate it, mainly because I hate my family and having to spend a day with my drunk of a Mother and brat of a sister just gets too irritating by noon...

I also got in a few gig tickets this week; a week on Sunday I hit Stray From The Path and the week after that I head back to Glasgow to see Ash for the 7th time, who are always just a blast live and never fail to make me feel like a 10 year old listening to "Goldfinger" for the first time.

Erm yeah Im also thinking alot about my whole modelling deal, since I did that final thing maybe a month back I've had this real sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing.  I hated doing that and the timing was fucking horrid too, but the whole thing just made me dislike it all; how the whole thing was based around who would wear the least, who was willing to wear the most leather, and I dont know.  I feel like its a cliq that are all kinda creepy, I dont know I just feel weird seeing these young females having to parade around in literally nothing in front of these old, fat, sweaty men.
And the thing is, the final products this so-called "agency" pumps out aren't even all that great, I've worked with amateur photographers that have gotten better images out of it all (or maybe thats just cause Im a sexy beast).

But yeah, Im not sure if Im gonna continue doing it; I might take a little break just now, maybe take it up again once I move, hopefully the NY scene is a lot less creepy or maybe Im just gonna focus on working outwith the pro's.

Right, I think thats enough rambling, I am glad I was able to get more out though, mostly health stuff, cause I dont know what people know and what they dont; the last few months have been very very weird when its come to my health (arrhythmia scares and such) BUT yeah, its good to get it out there, good to again be writing more and take more weight off my back, which is at the end of it all, what this blog is all about.

Well that and posting really silly reaction gifs...

I Think I'm Bored With Myself // Doubt

Trying to stay stimulated and get thoughts out that have been growing, swallowing and multiplying in my brain for days now.

I dont think I've ever addressed a real-world matter ever on this, this has always been nothing but a facet for my inner thoughts and feelings, I personally try and avoid news and anything related what is happening in the world, reasons being I dont feel all that connected to what is perceived as "news" and I feel that the world is show in such a negative way via the news, simply because the good side of things (anything) are never looked at.
But this whole Paris thing has been something that I cant escape - Im not sure why, I mean I do feel myself becoming more adult-like and taking an interest in this stuff; its a major happening too, or atleast just now is being presented that way and almost as the start of a new World War.  Honestly though, I think a big reason is because of social media, everyone seems to have an opinion and everyone "cares"...maybe its the cynic in me, but I just dont know if people really care or if they, as fucking terrible as it sounds, if they are fishing for what seems to be the new gold standard in social standings -'likes'.
I see so many people share these posts that they feel so bad, that they care so much, that they are praying for Paris; are they?  Are they really grieving?  Do they even fucking understand what the people over there are feeling just now, and more likely than not, dont give a flying fuck if someone has superimposed a transparent French flag over a shitty selfie or not?!
Now Im not saying everyone that is grieving is doing it through desperation to be SEEN like they care, but these people are the one's doing it in private, not posting insipid remarks about how much THEY are hurting and how badly its effecting THEM; but these are the people sharing news and information on the matter.  Ugh, in any event its a truly horrible happening, I just dont know if people "care" as much as they'd like their Facebook to show.

But thats my rant over, and honestly I feel slightly scared about what I've written, Im not out to offend, atleast not those that I really care about (you'll know who you are if your reading this, simply because I talk to you...all like 5 of you haha!  And even then, those I have either spoken to about it and they agree or they haven't been those posting the things Im talking against so, I agree with them 100% and their stances), and hell maybe its me being cynical but damn I just dont like the places people will go, the low's they will stoop-to to get some form of gratitude or sympathy on some form of social media.  Its one of the reasons I'm starting to get really sick of it again, I'll be honest, if I didn't use the messenger to talk to the 3 (sometimes 4) people that I do, I probably would be far away from it at this point. Its just so toxic and so pretentious and does more harm to my happiness than good.
But then I've put myself in a place now where I only really get genuine joy speaking/interacting/caring about maybe, again a handful of people.

But but off all of that, Im in a more positive place in my life (for the most part), so Im not going to allow something as trivial as Facebook effect my mood and change the smile on my face that I've worked hard to get back.
Whats been going on with me, well I've still been working pretty damn hard, like going super hard, grinding away for that money, planning things out for my move, setting dates and trying to prepare myself mentally for it (that isn't taking long, what with me wanting to fucking leave this place yesterday!!).  Not to be ~that~ dude and go on about my job, but this past week we had a top area person come in and inspect us I guess you could say, and what the result was was that Im now seen in their eyes (the area team) as the hardest working person in the store and the best one at my job.  So thats pretty fucking awesome, why, well of course the more higher-ups that love me, the more good words can be said about me.

So what else, oh yeah I've started dabbling in not shaving, growing some face fuzz, and the comments Im getting are actually pretty fucking awesome; like at work I had some random woman tell me that I looked "absolutely fantastic", but Im not sure if it was the facial stuff or if it was because I was wearing a lowcut tee...

Either way, I am feeling much more confident in myself, in how I look mostly and for the few that I've opened up about that aspect of my depressions, they'll know its a big part and a big problem I've battled for a long time, perhaps I always have.  But I dont know, I think doing this somehow has helped me feel more comfortable in myself, again I think Im slowly finding myself again or atleast the next evolution of myself.
For the longest time I was in this place where I was stuck between being a child and being an adult; I wanted the adult things, but kept this child-like mindset too much of the time that it stopped any real progress.  In this time I feel like I dumbed myself down alot too to appease others and to just keep out of the way; if I was only there to provide laughs then that was good enough by me, it would get me through Uni faster and with less hassle.  Now though, after months of reflection and future plans/ideas and just in general trying to find myself and my smile again, I think I've found myself in this more adult-like place - Im 23 now, there are things that I want now that I didn't even a few months ago.  I know what I want in life, or what I'd like and what Im willing to work hard for.

Man this is alot of writing, or atleast it feels like it, but fuck it this is for me; one amazing thing I have been just LOVING so much right now is music, just fucking music!!
For so long I felt distant from music, lost and like I had exhausted my tastes and was at a loss at what to listen to next.  I really did, I spent most of this past Summer listening to podcasts and movie/TV show scores and just didn't know what to enjoy - now though, oh man an entire new door has opened and taken me into this world of alternative and mellow sonics that just soothe my soul and work on my emotions like nothing has before (or atleast not since I first discovered Eighteen Visions' 'Vanity').  This world of music, unappreciated bands that tour their asses off, not making much money but doing it because of their love and passion for music, it just strikes some cord with me and Im hooked!!

Bands like Bandit (above), Triathlon, Kitten, The Videos, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Slow And Steady, The Shoe, Ivadell, Tape, Wax Idols, Bearhead + Tape Sounds, It Looks Sad., and hell I could go on, but I wont, go listen to any and all these bands and you will not be dissapointed!!
This isn;t to say I've strayed from my love of the heavy; right now Im downloading the early Throwdown stuff from when Keith Barney was on vocals (or voKills), man he fucking really does kill it!  So talented, yet so so unappreciated these days (that entire era of heavy music is, and its a damn tragedy).

Ok, its quarter to 1 now, and I still need to brush my teeth and reapply more post-shaving balm because after a shave my face looks haggard as hell, but this was a good load off of the chest as per.
Every word typed out is like a small weight off of my back.

I Hope This Moves You // I've Forgotten What I Was Sad About

So I'm here trying this thing called "relaxing"...and I hate it!

Its something I've been told by literally everyone around me; that I need to give myself a break, that I need to detach myself from working hard atleast once in a while and learn to have some fun, do something that I want to or hell, just do nothing and recharge.  I'm one to tell everyone around me to take time for themselves, I'm always telling people I know to take things easy, to recharge, and Im always probably very forceful about it too.  Its something I really do believe in, life is to be lived, so enjoy it, look after yourself too and make sure your not too haggard to enjoy life in all its splendor.
But when it comes to me, I just cant do that, it feels weird for me, it always has I guess - I've always been taught or had the mindset thrust on me from when I was very young that you should work work and work some more, no matter how your feeling.  This goes for everything, for example with school I took days off ill very very rarely, I remember going to school on days where I was shivering the entire day with a fever, or being sick, I remember taking a chunk out of my knee and having my full leg bandaged up, only to go to school again the next day in agony.
In College I was run down by a speeding car on the way there, if I was literally one step ahead more the car would have smashed me and I dont even want to think about what would have happened; but I got up, bleeding and bruised to hell and walked the mile to College, heh, only to find out no one would show up, so was sent home (another mile back to the bus stop, and when I got home, I instantly got changed and went to work).
It even stemmed to Uni, one day I was feeling off, my stomach and back were in so much pain and so I thought "its just a mindless little pain, lets do some sit-ups...", and when that didn't help I decided to sleep.  I woke up to find the pain was worse, so I tried forcing myself to sleep again until finally calling for help and being taken to the hospital to find I had a rupturing appendix.  I had been doing sit-ups with a rupturing appendix earlier that day, and I was told that if I had fallen asleep when I had tried the second time, that I wouldn't have woken up, and if I hadn't of went to the hospital within the hour I would have lost consciousness and again not have woken up from it.  But what happened, still, this happened on I think the Tuesday night, I had surgery on the Wednesday evening and got out on the Thursday afternoon...I was in to Uni the Friday (hunched over like the dude from Notre Dame) and I did what was most likely the WORST presentation ever haha!

*file photo of said presentation*

I just dont rest or take it easy I suppose is the tale, so right now Im trying to break this stupid mindset, its silly and only leads to really bad outcomes and more often than not, more pain, either in the form of exhaustion or physically (both of which are happening right now for me).

But this post isn't about being negative, Im done with that stuff, reading back on some of my last posts and its hard to read - I was clearly in a bad way!
Now though, like more than anything, Im motivated and excited for all that can come to me, all that Im willing to take from life.  I haven't been this motivated in for as long as I can remember.

Again I've been doing so so much thinking, not as much reflecting either, but thinking, plotting my points for the future.  I feel like I've been a slave for the last few years, doing things that I haven't wanted to; hell with Uni, I knew from honestly, maybe a week into it that it wasn't for me, that I was never gonna be 100% into it because I just didn't care and was way out of my league.  But I busted my ass and got through and yeah sure Im proud but I dont know, graduation meant little to me, I didn't surround myself with classmates and hugged and cried about how I wasn't gonna be seeing 98% of them ever again.  I didn't tell everyone how much I was gonna miss them, fuck I didn't even try and soak it all in so I could tell the tale years later.  Honestly, I went, I got given my certificate, I said my well done's to a few, handed over my cloak and was home before most people had even left the hall.
I just didn't care.

I mean I've since realised that I can use aspects of it to my advantage, with the sort of jobs and roles I'm going for in H&M, the only places I can advance to are more management roles now, so I can use what I learned and push my degree as more of a Production and Management piece as opposed to a Games one, so with that I feel it can totally help me in that aspect, again its another piece to help me with transferring.

Talking of transferring, its getting more and more real, but more and more scary; but if it wasn't scary, it wouldn't be worth doing now would it?!!
The visa side still scares me honestly, I know what I could apply for but I honestly dont know enough to be able to say which one I would get - all I know is that I've been told I would be eligible for one with a transfer.  I wish I knew more, for peace of mind but thats a path I'll cross nearer the time, no matter what I am going over for atleast 3 months next year to experience it all and with that, I can go job hunting and hopefully get a clearer view on things if I haven't already by that time.

But happier and more positive things - in 5 days I get to go see Every Time I Die in Glasgow and I am so so stoked, the only thing that would make me more excited is if I was seeing them the next night too...oh wait, Im doing that too!
Then heading to London the week after for 4 nights in a row of them in small shitty venues...fuck I cant wait!  I cant wait to be surrounded by my own people again, gigs and shows are what I thrive on, I need it in my blood.  Thats something I want to cram in more, that for me is "me time", if Im not working and Im gonna relax, a gig, a show or a modelling shoot is what I want to take up my time.  Or well I shouldn't sound so anti-social, I do love catching up with peeps, thats something I want to do more of in the next 4 months before I leave; I feel I've neglected that part of life for a long time, mainly because I didn't allow myself that time and any time I did have I almost tried to thrive off of one person, which was not fair on either of us.
Sooooo, more time for me, more time doing what I want *cough* gigs *cough*, and its good timing cause winter here in the UK is the only time we get a good solid schedule of shows going on!  In the next month, along with the 6 ETID shows, I have Ash and Stray From The Path, so all of that is getting me so siked on life again.

So apart from the whole relaxing thing I've been talking about for what seems like FOREVERRRR what else is going on, well like I've already said Im feeling so motivated just now, so positive and I just want to get out there and grab life by its fucking horns and get all I can out of it!!  Oh one thing I've started to do is embrace Facebook, like not to worry about what people think or say on it, not to worry about likes or anything like that and to have fun on it like I used to.  Social Media is supposed to be fun after all, too many people take it way too seriously and in general care more about it than they do their real life life.  Fuck it, Im gonna post music now, Im gonna post some selfies if I want, just have fun cause thats what lifes about.

On a more somber note the drummer for one of my favourite punk bands died earlier this morning, which sucks, the whole situation was so sudden, and even though I kinda fell off from the band, I have still been in an almost stunned headspace over the last few days because of the news.
Teenage Bottlerocket were one of the first real punk bands that I got into, and when their record in 2008 came out, when I was obsessed with Fat Wreck because of their ties to Rise Against, Anti-Flag and Sick Of It All, I was so into it and them!
He deserved better, but if nothing else he will live for far longer through the music and the punk scene that has rallied around him, his family and band mates so much over the last few days - I said it a few nights ago, but seeing this side of the punk community always makes me love the sense of family that is so fucking strong when you become part of the punk world.  RIP Brandon.

But I think Im gonna end this now, maybe I'll go back to trying to relaxing, maybe I'll stick on a film or maybe a Netflix show, I really want to like the Scream show but I just cant bring myself to tolerate the shitty acting.  Maybe I'll watch some more Simpsons, maybe I'll do none of that and try and force myself to play a game....pffffft we know thats not gonna happen!!

I Envy You // Dance With Me One Last Time

These days Im doing pretty good, its been a few weeks since I last posted and I think all is looking up now; in these few weeks (I honestly dont remember when I last posted, and what I posted), but I've gotten a promotion not only in hours but in responsibility at work, and I found out that I am more than able to transfer to another store *cough* a H&M store in New York *cough* when Im ready, which means I am and will be moving across there soon!!  My time scale is pretty dead set on March now, and if all else fails I will still go over there for the 3 months I can legally get over there for and scour for a job then, again with H&M it'd be easy enough, and with this promotion, there are more roles available for me, ones that have pay raises too *yay!!*.

So yeah, things are good, of course Im not in New York just now like was planned, but frankly part of me is glad, right now Im actually really badly sick; I have what Im assuming is a chest infection, and Im actually coughing up blood, not to mention the usual insomnia and fuck my back is so so so jacked!!  If I was in NY, no matter who I was with or what we were doing, I'd be n agony and wouldn't really be able to enjoy the time I was there...and I'd probably be moaning too so Reva would have hated me by the end of it all haha!

But Im writing tonight because today at another SLOOOOOOOOW day at work, I was thinking and thinking, half talking in my head, half actually just talking out loud because there was no soul around to hear, and I was just thinking about me.  I've wrote here a bunch about how I'm not myself, I dont feel like myself, hell I dont know who I am; and yeah yeah that fucking sucks, I mean it really does but I think I've came to another I suppose piece of why I dont know who I am, like I've spent the last I dont know, years and years and YEARS of my life in situations where I didn't feel 100% comfortable.  Like my interests just dont match or mesh with really anyone else here that I know - I get on with people and I love the folks that I can and do talk to, but honestly, I just cant be 100% myself in any of those conversations.
My main interest is music, music and fashion and really everyone I know just doesn't hold either of these as "passions" like I do; I cant go to a friend, face to face mind you, and just talk about music or fashion, if I could I'd feel alot more open, alot more like I could be "me".  But I cant.
Thanks to my Uni course and the friends I amassed from it, their main passions are just that, games and things in that realm - which sure, I like, well actually no, actually no I dont.

Lets set the record straight, I dont like games anymore, frankly I couldn't care less about games anymore, I dont give a fuck about them.  I haven't done for what, maybe a year and a half.

For the last 6 years I've had to fake an interest in games, I've had to sit around people, people who alot of the time I suppose I considered friends, and just listen to them talk about this game and that game and agree or whatever, but inside all I was thinking was why am I here, I just dont care one damn bit!
I think I just lost myself in this, just accepted it and maybe forgot what it was like to be in a conversation fully, to enjoy a conversation with another human and to embrace it.  I think thats a huge reason why I gravitated to Reva, and cherish her friendship so much; because she is the kind of person I enjoyed talking to every day, because I felt included.  We talked about things that genially interested me; I wasn't sitting there nodding in agreement whilst the cogs of my brain were somewhere else, and hell I could talk to her about things I had wanted to talk about for years - we talked about Eighteen Fucking Visions!!  You have no idea how fucking badly I have wanted to talk about 18V, for 4 years they are all I've wanted to talk about but no one I turned onto them liked them or would listen, then here's this amazing chick that is covered in 18V ink and is in the same boat, wants to talk about those Fashioncore fools, and other bands that stemmed from them, or were related, or similar and fuck, music in general!!  Its why I cherish her; she's a person that I can be myself around, I dont need to hold back, I can just talk and talk to for hours and enjoy it, because theres so many similarities, good and bad, but they are there and its really good to talk to someone that has the same ideals and views and interests and just mindset as you do.

Now I dont want to discredit my friends here, Singher, the Deviant, Dziek, Tommy, theres more, but these peeps, I can talk to and enjoy it so much too, I can talk to about certain facets of myself and can feel for the most part, comfortable, but Reva and in reflection New York in general, it just seems like a place where more people are there that are like-minded.

So what else, well I head down to London in a few weeks for a whole bunch of Every Time I Die shows and dang it I am so stoked!  Seriously, its the break that I really really need just now, I am exhausted to high hell, Im working basically every day, and the days Im not, Im still doing these stupid tasks that take up way too long.  Going to London will be a nice 4/5 day break, then back to work and the Christmas season will jump in and I will most likely be working literally every day for like 6 weeks haha, which sucks but will mean more money, sooooo its all good by me.  Thats another thing I wanted to touch on, even though its not that long till I plan to head over, honestly, it feels like every day is just dragging, Im starting to flat-out hate time and am now doing things that deliberately take up time just to waste it.  All I'm doing these days is working to gain money to leave, and it just gets frustrating because everything feels like its taking so damn long.  I want to be in New York yesterday, and I want to just get there and work my ass off!  Live in a small, one bed apartment, no TV, just a record player, my laptop and the streets of New York to explore at night after a day's work.  And maybe a bunch of shows every week too ;)

As a close off, I suppose I am just excited to start my life again, I want to dust off the last 6 months of weird depression, and get over to New York and almost start over on my own.  I want to explore what I want again, for example tattoos, I want to get a band together, even if its just a shitty cover band, I want to get on stage and scream my lungs out atleast once..  I want to be able to just walk the streets of Brooklyn, or Manhattan, or New York City, or hell, any area of NY, I just want to be free again.  Free of the shackles of depression, of the feeling of being unwanted and an outsider, free of everything and just be able to go for life!

Also, I want to make Bobby and Jim from BlackCraft realise how fucking rad an Eighteen Visions BCC tee would be!!

Empty Kisses For Distraction // Gouge My Eyes Out So I'll Never Weep

So yeah, erm I dont really know where to start here; I dont know how long Im gonna have this, I mean I know what I want to write out, I just dont know how far I can explain it all, because frankly Im still trying to make sense of it all.

For the longest time my health has been an issue, its been something that has genially worried me for a good year and a half, two years - my body has felt like its been breaking down limb by limb, bone by bone every single day.  I cant remember the last time I felt 100% comfortable and painless, there always is some sort of physical pain going on with me.

*deep breath* Ok so yesterday I found out a few things, so lets take the first and most serious one first...I found out I MIGHT have a heart problem.  Theres nothing certain just now, but tests are being done, but the doctor told me that with my symptoms that he wouldn't be surprised if there was or wasn't a problem.
For a long time I have been blacking out, I mean years, but last year it would have been, I ended up having a really bad one which was described as a "seriously bad faint" or a "mini stroke"; my face went numb, my mouth was drooped and I couldn't speak or move, I remember it still and it freaks me out so much!
The ambulance came and looked over me and there really was no reason for it to happen, they were confused and kinda just chalked it up to just a thing that happened.
This happened again back in May, though this time I felt it coming on and I was able to rush to my bed and not collapse on the bathroom floor like before.
Along with these, I still get just usual blackouts, where I just like drop and wake up with no idea whats going on and this taste of copper in my mouth. All of this scares the fuck out of me, add on headaches, the insomnia and lack of energy, lack of appetite and then you can add on chest pains, palpitations, tightness there too: I've been feeling like I've been having a full-blown panic attack for nearly 3 months now!!

Im trying to remain positive here with all of this, Im fucking scared but theres a chance that theres nothing wrong, and even if something is its most likely arrhythmia which from what I understand is pretty manageable,
I dont know, its just something thats been on my mind for so long and I've told no one, I've let the worry build up inside and I suppose now its bursting the dam-walls.
Recently the chest pains and thumping's have become more and more prominent, and constant too, I feel myself being in serious pain with it for most of my active day.

Now onto the next, which is still pretty damn serious, but I also found out that again, I MIGHT, have a herniated disc(s?) in my back.
My back has been jacked for so long, years even, like I can literally pinpoint when all my back pain started, back when I was maybe 16 and someone tackled me from behind; it was all fun and a laugh till the next morning I couldn't walk, and this continued on for a good month.  Since then I've had episodes of this again, just without the actual initial impact, just waking up and ending up being crippled for weeks out of the blue.  Now my back isn't in a state where its only really bad for a few weeks, but has now been just a dull problematic pain for months, and again the doctor felt around and told me he wouldn't be surprised with something like that is whats up.

So I kinda dont know what to do with myself, add on generic aches and pains too (stretched underarm and chest muscles, busted knees and ankles), I'm just a mess right now, I dont know what else to say about it all - Im scared but trying not to dwell on it too much, trying to stay positive until I atleast get 100% results back and not just hanging on what the doctor thinks.

Plus Im just trying to keep my head above the water, not to sink under; again lapses in posi-ness do happen, some days I am just a pissy-bitch, but for the most part, as long as I understand and can rationalise everything I see, do, and think about Im fine and can live through my days.

Moving to New York is still on, and every week and paycheck it becomes more and more real!  I just need to get a little help through the process, its super daunting and I just want to make sure I do it right; but its still a go-go and is needed more now than ever!

But now Im starting to really hurt, the base of my back is starting to really fucking stab and Im getting super tired and my breathing is like increasing my back-pain even more.
Im gonna chill out, or well workout then chill out, BUT the aim of everthing for me right now is to stay positive, drive myself to New York, get away from my family here, my job of fuck-wits and this life that has been tailored for me to fit the needs of a previous me, and not my current and growing self.


Sean

Theres No Feeling In This Place

So where am I today; its 11:30pm, I'm starting to feel tired but I'm also feeling probably the emptiest I ever have, well maybe not ever, but the emptiest I've felt in a long time atleast...

I just dont know, I feel disconnected, but happy at the same time - I feel like Im getting closer to being "me", but also feeling doubt whether I am.  Its weird, Im in a weird place, times I can be feeling so motivated, so enthusiastic and ready to take on the entire world in a fight and walk out the fucking victor; but others I just feel like collapsing into a wreck, into a heap and just crying my soul out.
I feel like every post I've written in the last few weeks its been all positive and all about how I'm gonna take over the world and all that; and yeah sure that aspect of my life is the main goal and the most prominent I guess, its the part that Im most focused on anyway.  But I feel I have sugar-coated the other side, and I'll admit the other side has seen its fair-share of action.

Its overwhelming, simple as that; doing all of this at once, having all of these realizations, all these revelations about me and my life, I can honestly say that in the last 3 weeks I haven't really slept, I haven't rested, I haven't let go of all of this at all.  Which ironically was what was a problem for me initially, that I couldn't rest up and let go.  I dont like being this stressy mess, but my brain, my gears have just been on overdrive for the last month and I cant stop them.  If its not going to New York its a modelling shoot, or its speaking and hanging out with people, or its writing on here, or its setting up my trip for London, or its trying to force myself to rest (which as stated above, fails each time), or I'm overthinking my entire relationship and friendship with Reva.  My heads not getting a chance to rest up, either is my body and its really taking its toll; last week I had a short doctors appointment and they actually called me a "physical mess", my body is broken effectively.  My underarms and chest are badly pulled, my back is really badly jacked and is now moving to my neck, my insomnia is back and as bad as ever and I'm now getting these headaches and passing out a fair amount of the time too.  I was told to try and rest, but I just cant, I cant do that just now, thinking about it its most likely because if I stop, I will end up dwelling on all the bad that I've been bringing up from my entire life - so to stop that, I just push myself all day and night till I end up passing out for a few hours at night.

I know Im not in a healthy state, really in any way you look at it; Im not physically in a good state, and mentally I feel very unstable, Im jumping from this motivated wrecking ball to this schlep thats got no feelings anywhere inside.  Today I used my whole "be myself", not holding back and I actually was able to get another doctors appointment and asked about seeing a councilor and had a small session there.  I hope this is something I can get sorted soon and can get these regularly, I've had these in the past and I always end up neglecting to tell everything which just leaves things unsaid and unresolved.  But again thats this whole not being able to trust and blah blah I've talked about that enough that Im actually getting sick of just thinking it!  Its just so fucking irritating when I think of how much that has effected me for so long!!

So what else, mmmmm, even though I am overthinking things and it maybe isn't the healthiest thing to do, its making me come to peace with alot more - for example I've come to peace with the break-up, I've come to peace with my insomnia, I've come to peace with my aches and pains.  Me and Reva could never have worked, if we had went to NY it would have been a great two weeks but then after, when she was gearing up to move there, I'd still be trying to get the money to do the same.  In the end we'd just have broken up anyway because no matter what, no matter how much we love eachother, or how much we care for the other, no matter how much the other means to us; the distance was always going to be a problem.  It always is, no matter if its just a few hours or a few thousand miles - if you cant be right there with the person you love, if you cant support them and hold onto them and show them the affection they deserve, no matter how much you want to, you NEED to: if you cant, the relationship will crumble.

This way atleast, sure theres more risk in it for me, but Im not going with her being the ONLY reason Im going, no now Im going for myself, now heck yeah the chance to be around Reva and the potential to revisit the romance properly is one hell of a reason and driving force of why I want to go; but THE reason is for me, to get away from my toxic environment and live the life I deserve and have dreamt of since I was a child.

It all still hurts, and everything new is still so scary to me, by fuck its scary, but I need to do this, because I know its worth it and its what Im supposed to do.  Maybe in the process maybe I just need to give myself a break more, maybe not workout to the point of constant pain, or maybe let myself indulge in eating every so often.
This is all still the road to rebuilding myself; its not a smooth path, there will be more dips and bumps, but where this path leads to...damn its gonna be so beautiful.


Sean

From My Mouth, Every Sound A Warning Bell!

I've lost count of how many times I've watched the above video in the last few days, I just cant help but 100% relate to every word thats said.
Im not saying this in a fangirl way or a sycophantic way either, yes this is Keith Buckley and is the lead singer of one of my all-time favourite bands.  Yes I admire his language and lyrical substance, but I am not forcing myself to have a connection to this 3 minute YouTube video because of this.  No I watch this and everything that is said hits me so hard right now, because its where I am in my life.
In essence what is being said is that he realised that he isn't the person he thought he was, but because of something inside of himself, an ego, he told/forced himself to continue on.  To be a person that he just wasn't anymore.  "I didn't really like myself, or anything that was going on".

This is exactly what I am going through right now, and have been for so long but now I find myself where he did, I find myself in a situation where I want to break away from being this "person" that I am perceived to be and to start being me, the person that I want to be.  I want to be true to myself.

Right now I am this guy that, I dont know, is seen as the "funny" one, this guy thats seen as being super sarcastic and a loner and in general a guy thats just super dark and that hates everyone and everything.  That was true...years ago, this was true 3 years back, when I first broke out of my shell, when I first found myself in this world of goth, glam and the darker side of music.  I would never smile, and I would rarely talk and would be this arrogant prick.
Now however, that just isn't me, hell down to things like how I dress; I've spent years garnering this collection of rare t-shirts, band and brand logo's that were 1/300, or 1/100 pressed, or whatever and paying out the nose for these things just because I didn't want to look like everyone else, because I was THAT arrogant that I had to be different.
I dont want to be that dude anymore; I'm not that goth I never really was but now I can safely say Im not.  I dont know how you'd genre me quite honestly, I dont think you can, and that is more than fine with me.  Im just a normal dude, I dont need these extravagant graphics or to have a shirt that only 300 people own in the world.  That gives me no joy anymore, for a long time it did but not now.  I want to use that money for more important things; I wanna save it for New York, I want to use on necessary items, hell I want to be able to use it to treat friends and show them how much I appreciate them.
And thats another thing, friends - Im not someone that wants to have the same perceived social-life as The Crow, no I actually want to spend time with people, I want to be able to just chat with people for hours and hours.  Theres nothing wrong with that is there?  Again before I was more of a loner, happy with my own surroundings and wanted to keep everyone out, now though, no way, lets let some folk in, lets let these people in and have some fun.  Life is all about fun after all, isn't it, isn't life not about making the most out of every opportunity and occurrence, good or bad, and building from there?

I dont want to dislocate myself from every aspect, for example the funny element of myself, the joking part of me is still a strong one; that is still very much me, I am still attracted to the feeling of making people laugh of smile.  I'm still good at it if Im honest, its something thats came naturally to me really since I was very young - I have always been the funny one, the one that made jokes (not to be confused with the "prick" of the group who'd do all the vandalism and stuff alike), I grew up on comedy TV and comedy all around me in forms of family members all hitting the same age range.
My comedy "skills" (if you could call them that) are something that I pride myself on, making people laugh is a hard thing to do, and so to be able to do it without really feeling like Im deviating from myself whilst doing so, its a great thing.

That all makes me sound maybe a little arrogant, and believe me I dont want to be like that, but rather I want to have confidence and I want to start being able to acknowledge what Im good at and just the bare fact that I am good at it.  That is a very hard thing to do, to tell yourself and truly believe that you are GOOD at something.  Society tells us that if you think your good at something, that your being a dick, that your being egomaniacal.  Thats so wrong, by those standards we should walk around telling ourselves that we're sub-par at everything; there is zero wrong with knowing your good at something, having confidence in yourself and your abilities.  There is obviously a line where when you cross it, you tread the ground of being arrogant, when you put others down and start comparing yourself to others and under-minding them, then yeah thats being arrogant and thats when you develop an inflated ego, which never ends well, just a longer drop when you eventually fall from your pedestal.

Its a difficult thing to do, trying to get back to the core of yourself and basically build from scratch again, its daunting but its also very necessary and the pay-off is more than worth it (I imagine).  I've started to show glimmers of this new ideal, yesterday at work my Boss started asking me questions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do; before I would have held my tongue and said what I thought she wanted to hear, but yesterday I figured why hold back.  Doing that only led to myself standing in my own light, you get over that and your already on such a better path.  So I told her what I thought, all the thoughts that had been bubbling inside for weeks and months; I told her how I am starting to become complacent, I told her I feared I would become irrelevant if I stayed in my same position, and I told her I wanted more.  I got it, she agreed with me and gave me what I wanted, she promoted me to frankly a level that I never imagined I'd get so quickly - I'm going to a position that is seen as a back-up to the Managers, and will start having responsibilities similar to a Manager.  I've seen people in the past get these and moan and complain, but damn, for me having that trust and knowing that I am at such a high level that they want me to do certain important things, thats the fucking grail for me!

So where do I go from here?  Honestly, I dont have a plan, internally I mean, I know my plan is to get too New York and that is happening, the desire for that is stronger than ever before!  But getting there is more than merely getting a flight, Visa and an apartment; getting there is my fresh start, a new go-around.  Every time I post on this, every day I think about everything, I get closer and closer to the answer; gaining spiritual inspiration from The Secret, having a resurgence of my faith and beliefs, making sense of all whats happened over the years and WHY it happened, every piece joins together and Im getting there.  My psyche is being rebuilt every second of every day, sure there are lapses, sure there are breakdowns but each one of them then brings something new to my attention and something new to look at and make sense of.  Rome wasn't built in a day, so the mind might take a little longer, but I am more confident than ever that I'm gonna get there, not only on my own but with the support of friends, I know that soon enough I will have control of myself again, not fearing if how I am behaving is true to myself, not even having to think about it because I will know it is.

The real Sean will be uncovered, and after he is the world will no longer be scary and full of fears and regrets.  It will be a place of true happiness, with no more internal dishonesty or dark corners of doubt.


Sean

All Bad Things Come To An End // All Good Things Come

This is gonna be like that Olivia Newton-John song, well kinda, "Let's Get Personal, Personal!" (nothing like starting off a post with a real bad joke now is there).

But this is gonna be super personal, I'm gonna bare alot of stuff out here, mainly because I dont feel I have enough people I can actually talk about this with, especially in a face-to-face environment and even then, I just have too much TO say that I would end up missing things out or passing over things or putting emphasis on aspects that dont warrant it.  Also, well frankly like I've said before, this helps me, writing it out, laying myself out there in writing; its easier than talking about it, the emotions dont get in the way.

So to start off, simply put I have decided that I am going to emigrate to the US, move to New York and live the life I have always wanted....seriously.  That is huge, I know, its crazy and takes so much effort and motivation but believe me this isn't a split-second decision and isn't something I have only decided on because of a "bad day".

No this idea has been rooted in my mind for years, hell maybe forever - and there are many reasons why, this post is gonna delve into these reasons and just let people, anyone that opens up this post and reads, lets them/you know why I am carrying out such a drastic move, and maybe some other things that have been weighing down on me for the last while in my life too.

One of the main reasons is that I dont feel like myself - I wish I could say I'm a fake, a fraud but honestly I just cant be that definitive, I cant make that claim because honestly I dont know if I am being unfaithful to myself and if I am, by how much, hell I dont even know how I am these days, everything seems to blur together, days go by and I dont know how I get from point A to point B most days.  I feel like I am just existing and nothing much else.

My experiences in my day to day life right now, as of this date are somewhat stable in nature: most days I get up for work, I travel through, I slub through my shift of little-to-no responsibilities and go home, try and eat something and lie around before I workup and then try and sleep.  This routine is fine and all, as a person I prefer a schedule, a list of actions to get through in-order during the day - but what happens when your main objective in the day is a dead-end, is such a negative environment where your boss is against you simply because of how you dress and talk, and doesn't take into account your dedication and loyalty to the company, your work ethic and motivation, that she doesn't take into account just how much fucking effort you put in, and how fucking good at my job you are.  No matter the compliments, no matter the number of times OTHERS in the company give compliments, even those higher up, because I have an alternative look and the fact that I do my job and dont kiss ass I am held down, stopped from being given opportunities that I deserve and would nail, and in return I end up being given the jobs of a rookie, of a person that hasn't been at the company, in the damn retail sector for longer than a few weeks!!

My frustration goes wider than my work, but when you go to a job that a year ago was your dream job and everything you wanted to do, and still is, but now find yourself hating walking in the doors because you know you just cant get any further, if Im honest it kills me, it deflates me and pushes me away.

This has only became more known to me in the last few months since I've undertaken more hours, but its always been underlying, and I blame it for the time I spent job-hunting post-Graduation.  I spent nearly 4 months searching for jobs, frantically looking for something and thanks to this it ended up triggering my depression back, but because my only focus was to find a new, second job I pushed it aside, I hid it and buried it down not to be looked at.  What the result was, well I'll talk about that further down I'm sure.

But still on work, I should have just walked in the day after Graduation and told them I want to go 100%, let me work my fucking ass off!  I wanted to, and I knew I could get the overtime, but even then I had been burned before with false promises that I suppose I knew I would get the hours but it would do very little to/for me apart from a money standpoint.  Now lets go from here, I started searching around for something else to tact-on and found myself in these "jobs", these situations where I was over-qualified and had no business being there.  I am not someone who is to work in a Call Center, not that theres anything wrong with that, but for me, I have no business being at one.  I wanted the money, so I undersold myself to MYSELF and went for anything that would have me quickly, I got some places; I found myself in these rooms where I was surrounded by these sweaty, out of shape, loud people that are the exact opposite of me...instantly I felt out of place and unwanted.  So I go through a few of these but then find a place where I figured I could maybe hack it, or atleast long enough to have some money.  The Tesco Call Center, this is the place that broke me, broke me so much that I am still trying to fit the pieces of my life together.  The hours were so horrendous, I was up at 8am and didn't get back home until midnight, any normal person would say "thanks but no thanks" to it, but me, thanks to depression and self-esteem problems I felt like I didn't deserve the luxury of quitting, almost that I deserved the misery.  This led to the end of something even more important that I'll cover again later.

I left after a week, but the damage was done.

I went to H&M, I told them I wanted it all, I wanted the keys to the kingdom and to let me work my way up; I was told I could get this promotion, it was laid out for me, for me to apply and get.  I was excited, I felt like I was going somewhere, I felt like all my effort, the overtime, the perseverance was to pay-off.  I was finally getting what I deserved, maybe my boss finally acknowledged that I was worth it, maybe she was coming around; others were, the person who would have been my boss-type of person in that area of staff worked with me for a solid week, I guess it was soft-training, and I kicked its ass.  I really did, I was doing a job that I had no formal training in and I was doing it justice, things were looking up.

But the application seemed to be getting drawn out, the whole process seemed to drag and I started feeling like I wasn't being taken seriously - I then went online and saw the position had been put up on the site as vacant, which meant they were done with internal applications.  I walked in, tears inside, butterfly's the size of eagles and I was met with an "oh sorry, we need someone with experience and I just dont feel you have it".

I swallowed my pride, I told her I understood and went on my merry way; inside I was fuming and again I was deflated.  Of course Im inexperienced in the role, thats why I would have been trained!  The person before me didn't even have a quarter of my experience when she got put in for training, so why the fuck was I deemed as a rookie, as a dosser to just stay in my position of having to ambush customers and stand like a robot on tills?!  Is she that petty that she would rather waste the time, money and effort in looking for someone to take this position which from a money and hours standpoint, kinda sucks.  I was back to square one.

It was here that I knew I had no future in this store, not the company or the fashion retail sector, but THAT store.  No matter what, Im not going anywhere soon, and being in such an environment, being in a job that physically and emotionally hurts you, I just couldn't do it anymore.  I need out, I need something new.  This Christmas season I will grab as much overtime as possible, I will build up my money and as soon as I can, Im handing in my notice and transferring to another store in NY.

I've just got to grind my teeth and work through it.

Another thing, is the people here - my work isn't my biggest frustration living here, infact its a dull one if Im totally honest, what is the biggest part of why I am leaving is the people, my "loving" family, I need away from it all.

I have no place here, I dont fit in at all; over the last few years I have lost so many people, people that I was so close to, and the reason for these loses are never revealed.  Now I understand life drifts people apart, I get that and understand, but to go from being talkative to a person on a daily basis to not even acknowledging them a week later, its insane.  This has been a problem for years, since I was 13/14, so a decade, back then I had a large friend group, we were all close, all growing up together and it was great. What happened one morning changed my life forever, I hope its something I will one day be able to not think about and have its effects wear off, but Im not sure.  One morning I go to our usual meeting spot and nothing, and that word, nothing, explains the next year.  I was in a world of nothing, my so called friends had rejected me, had cast me aside for no reason whatsoever, no reason has ever been given.  Then one random afternoon they all came back to me like nothing had happened, like those nights I went home and broke down were fictional, like the feeling of betrayal in my gut was just a figment of my imagination.  From that day, I haven't been able to trust anyone, how could I?!  Whats to say this wouldn't happen again, isn't it easier to just push everyone away than to worry about having that feeling again?

This all led me to become a husk of my former self, I stayed in the background now in an effort to not rub anyone the wrong way; gone was the fun-loving kid that would throw out jokes, be the "funny one", gone was the kid that loved the outdoors, fuck gone was the kid that did anything!
I spent the next 5 years indoors, I stayed out of everyone's way and pretty much ended up being the punching-bag to my friend group, I hated every second of it, but as long as I didn't say anything I had people I could atleast stand around with, and as a 15 year old kid, that was the most important thing to me.
Just writing this out is making me see and understand how fucking ridiculous that decision was and to see how badly its effected me still to this day is stupid, why do I let this still ruin my day-to-day relationships?!
Now?  Like I said above, I feel like I have lost 90% of the people I held dear to me once, I feel like I have no one here for me, apart from maybe a handful, and even the majority of this small handful just isn't close enough to spew these things to, so I'm left going through the motions when around these people.  I do have people that are there for me, that I break through and do trust with all I have, people that I can let this stuff out to, for them I am so grateful and couldn't ask for better people to have around me.

It wasn't only these situations with friends that have made me as a person feel insecure and out of place here, my family have gradually become a cancer to my life, and I know, not everyone's family is nice and all that - this isn't me being all "woe is me", but I just feel for me, the way my family is, just proves that I have no support here in any form and has added to my frustrations here.
Im not going to go into too much detail but to be blunt, my mother is an alcoholic and has been for years, and yes yes again this isn't a huge thing, BUT the person she is when she's drunk, which is rapidly increasing each and every day, is just a cold callous shell of a person.  She makes me feel bad for my work, she tries to push in my face as much as possible that my contracted hours to work a week is only 8, she likes to make herself superior to me in every junction.  When I go through spats of depression, to her its a big joke and me overreacting, because "what do I have to be so depressed about?!".  And the kicker, two nights ago I was sitting down and she came into my face, drunk and reeking of drink of course, telling me how much of a horrible person I was for leaving and in-turn leaving my Gran, how when I move to New York I am gonna end up on the slums, and fine this didn't effect me, but the fact that she said it, the fact that my own mother said this to me, I dont know, its things like that (that are happening more and more as she drowns herself even further into alcoholism) that just amaze me and make me hate my surroundings here even more.
I dont want to dwell on my family matters too much because I dont think this is the proper forum to air these feelings, frankly I dont know if there really is one, but I feel its enough to get the point across.

So away from family, away from friends, hell away from work, why move so far away?!  Why not move to Glasgow or London, Aberdeen or hell even just 20 minutes down the road back to Dundee?
Its really really easy, and theres a few reasons; I've always wanted to go there, since I was a kid I always wanted to go and live in New York, now at the tender age of 23 I feel its time, I have work experience to get me over there, I have my degree, why the hell not?!
Another reason, well hey, its about a girl - the last 3 years I have had the amazing pleasure of getting to know the incredible woman Reva, the last year we were in a relationship, through all the hardships I have went through in the last year, it was the one thing I could always count on, she was the one thing I could always count on.  No matter what, I had her love, no matter what I always had a reason to smile.
But a week and a half ago things changed, we broke up, and even still I dont think I have fully processed it, but then again I think I had always been prepared.  The distance was a huge issue, my money-situation was another and prevented me from being over there sooner to be with her, but the biggest problem was something I mentioned before; it was my trouble opening up and coming out of my shell.  I do think that there were more reasons, especially as we've talked more since, both our depression's are building up again, and we're both in a pivotal point in our lives where we're setting ourselves up for the future - its hard to do this with a partner on the other side of the world, its hard to deal with the depression when the person that is supposed to be by your side can only be present on a screen.  We're both in similar surroundings too, we dont have support where we currently live, we're both a little fucked up and need to find our own paths back to normality before we can continue on our shared one.  And thats the thing, we both have the desire to move to NY, we both are moving to NY, and we both believe that we'll continue this avenue of our relationship at this later point.  We didn't break-up because we weren't good together, or because one of us was a bastard, or because we hated each other.  We still care about each other, we are still attracted to each other and we still love each other; I think we just need a break to be able to balance ourselves out and to put all of our focus on ourselves for a bit.
Im not going to lie, it still hurts, I still feel empty inside, and I still blame myself for all that happened, but I think this happening was inevitable, if not now it would have been during/after our planned NY trip, so Im trying really hard not to dwell too much on it and stay focused on the future of us, and the current stage we're at where we're still pretty much in the same place we were, only we cant show the affection.
The hardest part is easily the communication, knowing I had someone I could talk to about anything at anytime was something I treasured, not waking up to a message from her or just getting a short notice telling me how good the gig she went to was, these little things were the things that made me smile the most.  Knowing she was smiling was my drug, and was what made me sleep better and wake-up easier - even now as corny as it sounds, she is the first and last thing that is on my mind, all day thoughts of her smile race through my head, thoughts of what she's doing, they plague me, but by God I dont want them to leave me.  No matter what, I will always love her, and Im already counting the days till I can actually hold her, take her on dates and even just see her in person - this is a big reason why I need to leave now.
Now this isn't me trying to jump the gun too much or seem like all I care about is getting back to a romantic place between us; no this is something that I will look at later on in time, and will cross that path when it comes.  For now, all I know, all I want is for our friendship, our bond to continue on and to just continue to grow and grow - the last year was never about her being my girlfriend, it was never about scoring points or doing things because I felt I had to.  To me, I did all I did, I was by her side for an illness she is still suffering from, I listened to her, I sent care-packages, I did all of that not because of a label but simply because I wanted to, because I cared so so much for her, and that wont be changing ever.  She's one of the few that I feel comfortable with talking about serious things with, I wasn't before because of internal problems with ME (not wanting to scare her, not wanting to hurt her, not wanting to worry her; I was just trying to be caring and considerate of her feelings and the situation she was in, I thought I was doing the right thing I really did) but now I am ready to let her in, and like I said, to grow our bond.  Reva is a very important part of my life, and I am so thankful every day that we met 3 years ago.
I want to shed the shit that has kept me down too long and I want to let it go and live: I wanna go to the clubs, go to a different gig every night, I want to walk the streets of Brooklyn, catch the Subway, eat the food, walk Central Park, climb the buildings, all of that!  I want this life, I want these people and I just need it all in my present and future!

I've been living my life not knowing who I am, not being sure of what happiness is because honestly, something thats gone through my head so much over the last 10 years has been how I cant remember the last time I was consistently happy, Im talking 100% happy for longer than a few hours, and even then I dont think I've been 100% happy at those times anyway!
For so long I've been living this life where the only things that brought me any form of joy was commercial materials, buying clothes, spending a fortune on any t-shirt I liked because it always meant I had something to look forward to, I had a reason to be excited for that one package to come through the letterbox.  I was attempting to buy my happiness, and the sad reality is that it worked for so long, until Reva - I had her to look forward to.

I feel out of place in this world too, I dont want to get too hipster and all, but living in this world thats controlled by how many "friends" you have on Facebook, or how many "likes" you get or "retweets" or "hearts" or whatever else, as someone that craves the contact of humans, that relishes in it and enjoys it above all else, I find myself adrift in a sea of pointless attempts of validation, shitty spammings of selfies and focus being drawn on aspects of life that are meaningless in all realistic-purposes.  I hate that I am part of this world and society where a child at the age of 4 would rather play on a new state-of-the-art phone than play with toys and friends.  Instead of adventuring outside, making friends, bonding, 7 year old boys would rather play on their Dad's tablet; I just feel this world has become a very scary place, a place where whats important just isn't, having every conversation include the words "messaged" and "did you see what she posted last night" is like nails on a chalkboard for me.  And Im no better, I do the same thing, I open Facebook and I leave it open so I can message the few people I care about, but believe me I hate doing it.  Its a toxic system that is sucking away real interaction - now it has its uses, for example being able to contact people who you just cant interact with in a face-to-face environment, but to see the people that use it as a way to try and showcase how AMAZING their life is; telling me what they've been watching for the last 3 weeks, or what they have been eating, or what they did last night and "how it was the greatest night ever" is just something I dont care to see plastered on a website that I use for few minimal tasks.  These people who are so void of people around them that they have to spout these insipid posts every few hours just shows how desperate they are, shows how they have become so reliant on these areas of life that they'd rather tell everyone about it via writing it on a website with a smattering of smiley faces instead of having a real conversation with them.  Its just another part of life that I need away from, its a rampant problem with many I know or have known and been around and had to be subjected to through my University time; I had to smile and grin through it.

**tangent over**

I know its a drastic move, I know its a crazy decision but I have to make it, I have to move over there and I have to do it for myself and my future.  I cant stay here, harmed by the past, the baggage, I cant do it anymore.  I cant stay living here with this misery filling my body, being so close to tears every second, physically feeling myself holding on to my sanity and stopping myself from breaking.  Its a struggle being around these people, this place and my time doing it is up.
Every day I learn a little more about how to get over there, every day i work a little more to get just a little more money, this all builds up and my goal to get over there for my birthday and celebrate it with others over there is on track and easily obtained.  I have this image in my head, how the day will pan out, and aslong as I keep this picture in my head, as long as I keep that ingrained inside and I strive for it - I dont see what can go wrong, with a positive mindset and a positive outlook,


Sean