"It Hits Hard" / "Too Much Mascara, Not Enough Eyeliner"

"It Hits Hard"

The world crashes down
I look to your eyes
Silence is my breath
That feeling of lust
I talk my heart out
Screams of emotion
Im out on a limb
Crushed down by the beauty
Dead beauty
That one word echoes



"Too Much Mascara, Not Enough Eyeliner"

Side step!
Bow-tie locked
Shoes shine
Like Sin On A Sunday

Side step!
Side step!
Back to the start
Hands on her hips
Hands on her hips
Hands on her throat

Tighten up the noose
Tighten up the noose

The man of the hour
Dancing in your blood

Side step!
Side step!

Doing The Waltz With Your Murderer // Badd Blood

This is the first post in a while; frankly I just haven't felt like posting, maybe theres been nothing to tell, maybe there has been and I just haven't realised but whatever it was its now broken.

As of right now I'm in a state of not really knowing - I mean I dont know if I'm happy just now.

I'm in my dream job - sure and I am enjoying it and theres this chick there that I kinda really like and would love for something to happen with.  Thing is I dont think (if ANYTHING was to happen) that it'd be smart, being with someone you work with could be tricky and whatever.

Something else is just I dont feel myself, yet I feel more like myself than ever.  I feel that aesthetically I am myself again; I look great and feel so much confidence with how I LOOK, but when it comes to internally, and how I am actually feeling and stuff I just dont know.  I feel I've lost motivation on things that were, and still are, important to me - working out used to be my thing, and I got to a place where I was really happy with how I looked, definition and everything.  Now I've felt myself just slip away and kinda lose that motivation.  Could it be simply just a tiredness of it?  I have been slaving away at the same sort of routine for like a year now.  Or is it that I have become lazy?  Hell, could be because lately I have been so exhausted from work that spending two hours every night doing intense workouts just didn't sound appealing?  Maybe my body has just given up and wants a prolonged rest?  Heck it could be all of these, or even none of them!!

I dont know, maybe I'm being too serious, or maybe I'm not being serious enough. Maybe I'm overthinking some things, yet maybe I'm not thinking enough about them.

I guess that right now my life is throwing me alot of "maybe's" and not enough answers.

Death Tells The Truth, But Its Imagination That She Lacks // My Miserable Life!

Its been a while since the last post; the main reason is that I've had no time, and when I have I've been tired as piss!

The last few days have been the most constantly pain filled I think I've ever had and today I got to the point where I just couldn't do anything.  I couldn't walk, I didn't want to work, I couldn't stand, I just wanted to collapse but even then my foot would be throbbing so that wouldn't help at all.  I just wanted out; out of everything and just not feel this pain I've felt for so long now.
I know I seem to complain alot about it, but honestly, whenever I've been around people, talking, laughing, whatever - if anyone is reading this and has been around me or anything like that in the last two months, just so you know: I've felt like crying and screaming in pain pretty much 24/7.  I struggle putting on a pair of socks, I can barely walk at the best of times, and every second of every day for the last two months my foot has been throbbing and all I can think about is when I'll be getting my surgery!
That day is coming though, tomorrow I get my surgery to fix my toe!!!

I'm super pumped for it and just want it over and done with - not that its all that sore, I mean I had the exact thing in December so I'm not scared or whatever, more just wanting it done as quickly as possible, so I can rush home and get in my bed with some vinyl on before the anesthesia wears off and my toe starts killing more than ever.
I dont want to get graphic, but I've actually not said to anyone what specifically is wrong; the thing is my toe is broken and theres nothing much that can be done for that really, what the surgery is for is what has been caused by this.  My toe broke in a way that pushed my nail INTO my toe, and with it growing, it rips into my foot every time I move it, so now you can understand how simply walking is pure agony.

Em, onto other things, yesterday I spent the entire day with peeps I work with in like a fun day.  Went go-karting and then this laser-tag thangy.  Was a fun day out, but I totally felt like blowing chunks all over the shop after I got my - go-karting made me so damn dizzy and sick!

Errrr errr errr I suppose thats really, I am in pain and that wont be totally changing for atleast another few days but atleast after those days I'll be fine(r).  Oh, I am working overtime majorly next week, like 2 full days that sucks so damn hard!  I really want to rest and have already been moaned at for taking it up but honestly I just need the money and again its probably just my stupid sense of pride or my stupid sense of never wanting to let anyone down but I've agreed and will see how things go - I think I should be good enough to do them and in the end I'll have a boatload of money off of it so its worth it in the longrun.
The way I see it, with this extra money I can look after myself, be more comfortable and be able to help out when it comes to paying for things in my flat.

I THINK this is it, I mean I dont have much more to write about; I mainly just wanted to rant and rave about just how in pain I am and how meh I've been feeling over the last while, physically.  It has been weighing on my mind and controlling what I can do and how happy I actually am and everything like that.

Not that many funny gifs either, again this was more just me opening myself up and letting out stuff that I've tried not to take out on anyone for the last few months.

Bye.

Leave A Tip For Norma Jean, She Needs The Advice

*title totally all mines, just saying cause I lurv this one*

Ok, so today was supposed to be the big day where I got surgery and finally got my broken toe sorted - right well instead I got screwed over and now I have to wait a week until I get it now.  I dont want to talk too much about it because I've spent the better half of the day trying to get over the intense anger I had racing through myself, so all I'll say is that they are fucking clueless and just need to get a tighter ship, because frankly I'm super over having this broken toe!!

Onto other things, happier things, last night I finally caved and splurged on the very limited Norma Jean vinyl boxset.  700 ever made, 4 discs, 3 albums, 2 of the albums on split-coloured vinyl and the other is a picture disc.  These are like 3 of my favourite metalcore albums ever so I'm stoked as hell to finally be getting them in!!  They weren't cheap, not cheap AT ALL but fuck it, I have the money, I wanted them so screw it...right?!

I've also been suffering majorly with insomnia again, or maybe its just stupid causes that are stopping me from sleeping, either way its getting on my tits and I just want to sleep at this point!!

Em em em emmmmmm, something happy and nice, oh right yeah I'm getting a good chunk of cheddar (money) this weekend from work: I'm working a full on day Friday, Saturday I'm getting paid to go to some ass fun-day, and then on Sunday I'm working as usual so get paid then.  This is all fine and well, means I wont be seeing/meeting Road Warrior Animal though, but kinda fine with that, I mean tbh I'm just not that bothered at all.  Would rather the money.

Oh I did find out today that Every Time I Die are playing in one of my favourite venues in Glasgow come March, so I'm stoked as piss for that; as usual I assume it'll be a rager!!

Hmmm, I dont think theres anything else going on really - kinda feeling a bit off tonight though due to all this anger build up and I think the lack of sleep is totally killing me, plus I'm just in an overall angry mood I think.
Away to work out and just blast through it so I can try and get to bed at some kind of decent time and then hopefully sleep.

Soooooo, I guess thats it.

Pain // Fake Kisses For Distractions

pain.

My life revolves around this now; I hate complaining, it seems like its all that I fucking do nowadays.  I hate it, seriously I hate having to lie in agony, I hate sitting in agony, I hate walking around with a damn limp and having to stop periodically every few steps cause I'm in so much damn pain.

And to be honest theres more than just my toe thats in pain; I literally cant sit down on a seat anymore cause my back is just fucked, in so much pain.  I have to adjust myself for like 5 minutes before I can get into a position that is least painful.

Now, off of pain, eh I'm doing good, emotionally I am doing so much better than I have since like February, a big part of why is that last week after a small chat about stuff like this with a great friend, another possible reason to why I can easily feel down at times.

Oh yesterday I was at CollectorMania as Han Solo and it was pretty cool; would have been better if more sleep was had before.  Due to some *possibly silly* reasons, the initial plans went down the toilet so we had to be up super early to get through for the right time, and then I think the actual event itself wasn't like how I expected it.  Seemed more like some sort of a huge HMV, and I just wasn't expecting that - I mean it was still good and hell, they had some nice stuff for sale and I'm 110% sure they made a HUGE amount of money, but I just wasn't expecting to see such a emphasis on the sale of stuff. 

Caught some awesome talks, which was rad but even the big names that were there to be met were like pushed off to one side with the buying aspect taking precedence.

In all it was a good day, but could have been much better I think if I had gotten more sleep and if the event itself was maybe more organised.

Plus there were an insane amount of those pretentious nerdy fuckers, roaming the flloors and commenting on everyone "oh oh, look, he's wearing the wrong hat, HA HA!  Thats the hat the 11th Doctor wears, not the 12th, what an ignoramus.  HA HA HA!"

FUCK OFF!  Go back to your basement and wank over the idea of William Shatner and Patrick whatever his name is in a film together.  Get off your high-horse and leave your stupid comments in your pocket!!

Em, what else, I suppose I can hurray that my surgery is on Tuesday so it wont be TOO long until I can go back to my normal self, and em I dont know.  Listening to Anti-Flag cover The Clash and its not too bad, man if this had come out like a year or two before it did my old punk self would have came buckets!

On that note, think I'm gonna leave it; I cant beat cumming buckets now can I...

Oh, and pun of the day - Stonehenge rocks!

I'm Not In Love // Regret Not

So its late, and its been some time but meh - not gonna sleep for a while so thought why not, theres been a few things thats happened since the last post.

The first thing, and probably the most constant, is that my toe is still broken and getting worse; to the point that on Monday I actually passed out because of the pain and all.
Now I've had some heavy stuff happen to me (I've been concussed once, I've been knocked out about 2 or 3 times, I've blacked out from pain, I've walked around with a burst appendix (and shoulda dies really), I've been run down, fights all that stuff), but this time was honestly the scariest.  I lay on my bed and woke up a minute or two later not knowing what the hell had happened.
Everyone I've talked to about it, I've made light of it and passed by it as a 'whatever' sorta thing: but honestly it scared me so much, and still does thinking of it.  Just sorta like a wake up call that maybe pushing myself to walk miles a day isn't the best thing to do, and doing 2 hours of working out at night isn't helping.  I keep on being told by friends and even the doctors to try and take it easy - just do what I can do.  I cant do this; I cant let the idea of pain get to me, I've always tried to not let anything stop me and push through.  I've always been like that, and always will be.

Soooooooooo, what else, oh right yeah so I've talked about this CollectorMania thangy on Saturday and how I am so fucking stoked for it, like so damn excited to go to one of these things and hang with some awesome folks!
Thing is, my shirt for Han Solo STILL ain't here, and I leave tomorrow, pretty much after work so I have to HOPE like a muddafucka that it shows up tomorrow morning, so I can race through to pick it up, to race back through to race to work...tomorrow should be fun

Ehhh, I dont know I have loads of money nowadays so I have been spending way too much, like even I know myself that I have spent too much, whilst spending it!! but damn, its nice to be earning money again and earning it from a job that I love and am actually interested in.
*plus the discount is pretty rockin'*

Now now now, em not too sure what to else to say/type, oh I still haven;t watched Batman Returns since my obsession started a week ago, so theres that.

But I now think I'm just talking ass, so I guess I'll stop here.

*EDIT, Added*
The Shining gives me a boner!!

Disorder: i lose the feeling // She's Lost Control: walk upon the edge of no escape

Daily post!!

Yay right?  Well, whatever!  The above gif is not random either, the title's totally like 100% (or maybe 97%) Joy Division.
Totally hate how every slut-whore girl walking the earth talks about how "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and that, but have absolutely no clue who the fuck Joy Division are or anything about Ian Curtis - that shit boils my insides!!
The same goes for those fools that walk around in Ramones tee's yet when asked about the damn band they have no idea.  Actually happened to me last week at work; some girl came in in a Ramones tee and I said like nice tee, love the band then asked if she was a fan.  She said she had no idea they were a band and said she just thought it was a nice tee...

...BITCH!!
I shook my head and just told her I was dissapointed.  She stood there and I think was a little scared, I mean sure maybe I didn't need to comment or anything but DAMMIT to hell, educate yourself woman!

But other things, well I was working today and gosh darn it my feet are KILLING me, like they are so frigged up!  Wouldn't mind taking a night off working out but might just plow through it and relax after.  Meh, tomorrow is my night off I think, so I'll just rock out tonight and have some noice metalcore vinyl on I think.

Oh oh oh ohhhhhhh!!
I've found out that I will actually get to meet Road Warrior Animal on the 30th! :) :)
Work outing thing is 3 days after I get surgery on my toe: so going to a THEME fucking park probably isn't a good idea at all.  Sooooooo I'm gonna lie about wanting to save money and then meet Animal get a signature and see a local wrestling show at night.  This is the sorta thing I'm wanting to do more; things for me that I'll enjoy and not to worry about others as much.

Mmmmmm I think thats it, I mean I really need to take a piss too so thats influencing my decision to call this one a day.  Em, yeah, lets say this is it and I'll get another one up either tomorrow or soon - till then Candy Asses!!

The Organ Grinder And The Fire Breather

This has pretty much been my day today; screaming and shouting in agony!

My broken toe has decided to be all "fuck ya Sean, just gonna break more things!!" so now my toe is a mess and just killing me so damn much!

Also, I feel so fat - like really just so fat and gross today.  I had ANOTHER full tub of ice-cream and I just hate myself for it and feel uber fat right now.  I mean I KNOW that I'm really not that fat and all that, but man do I hate myself for gorging so damn much.  Working tomorrow I know that atleast tomorrow I wont be tempted ha, but really I just feel so meh about food these days and just blah.  I dont know, eating has become something that I have to do rather than something I enjoy doing; I eat to live, not live to eat!

Normally, with my new like relaxing view on working out I'd probably give myself the night off, what with it killing me to even lay a duvet on my feet but with this total insecurity I think I might just go ahead and slam through the rager and try and have it over and done with quickly so I can lay in bed and maybe/hopefully watch something.  Didn't watch Batman Returns last night, was too late after I finished my workout so just played some old-time games on this great emulator site (game-oldies.com I think), playing the first game I ever played 20 years ago was fun; I sucked at it when I was 2 and I suck at it now, being 22...

So apart from bitching and moaning about my weight and pains things are actually going really good for me: I finally feel like the real me is back, like I feel like I did months ago and am totally fine I think, the few days to myself to just cleanse my mind and get back to the right frame of mind.

Ehhhh oh in a week I'll be going to this Collectormania thing that I am SO fucking amped for, legit super excited for it; dressing up as Han Solo and just cants wait to be in a new environment and have fun.  Plus theres R2-D2 there so I'm SO getting a picture with him, not to mention theres a few wrestlers there that I'd like to meet and maybe get pics with.

Mmmmm I THINK thats me, and like today in a nutshell, in summary my toe hurts even more and I still have to wait a week to get surgery.  I also feel fat, even if I know I'm really not, and I want to watch Batman Returns later on.

Ohhhhhh actually just remembered, today I found out that this classic wrestler, Road Warrior Animal is coming to Dundee and doing an autograph and picture session, awesome right?!
FUCKING NOT AWESOME!!!!
Cause for some fucking reason I have to go and work in Perth because of "reasons", and the day before I have to go to Alton Towers, a trip that frankly I dont want to go on and really dont think I can afford to - maybe if I say I cant go and that I want to save money for this year at Uni hopefully they'll be fine and wont miss me, I mean why the hell would they tbh.  I would just rather sleep in my own bed, save the money that I'd end up spending, what would be like atleast £50, and just relax instead.  I'd be awkward around these folks too, I mean I've only been working there for 3 weeks or so, not even a freaking month!!

ARGHHHHH I want to meet Road Warrior Animal dammit!!!!!!

How Long Will I Hide Behind This Pen And How Long Will You Wait For Me; I Guess Until The Ink Runs Out

"if your not gonna ride the rocket, if your not gonna ride the rocket then get the fuck off!"

So today has been nothing but a total loss haha!
Like I seriously dont know how the hell its gotten to 20 to 10, I have done so little today really, but honestly I'm OK with it.  Sometimes all you need is just a day or two to yourself and just to get de-exhausted and just relax.  Its been nice for me to actually just be able to spend the last few days digesting the last six months and try and produce the real me out of it.

I think though I'm getting there, I'm sat here typing this out in elbow-length fingerless gloves and feeling super fashioncore and blasting Eighteen Visions (and different movie soundtracks, but that helps me write and do productive thangys).  I think for the longest time I've fallen into doing something that I was doing for years back in Secondary school, College and most of the first year of Uni: I'm trying to be this IDEA of a person, like trying to fulfill what I feel other peoples idea of me is, or what I SHOULD be like and act.  Thats stupid and just not right at all, not fun and just not me, which in the end was and kinda still is, the problem!

So, getting away from emotional stuff and all that jazz, I am still wholeheartedly obsessed with Batman Returns; I was able to win an amazing brand new Batman Returns tee in my size, legit like the only time I've ever seen a small on eBay.
What else, oh I bought a bunch of new JBWW stuff tonight because that awesome dude was giving away a free hand-numbered and hand-singed with orders of new stock...so you know, I kinda had to ;)

Ehhhh, apart from that stuff I think thats all thats going on with me.  As usual, away to rage out to a workout, stick on some 18V vinyl and then eat a slab of chocolate and watch Batman Returns!!

Peace out beetches!

p.s. An Aubrey Plaza gif because this post is lacking...

You Thought The World Owed You A Smile // Sacrifice

Yesterdays post didn't happen cause frankly there was just nothing worth writing about - I was working most of the day and was super exhausted at night (it was a busy day).

So today, now, THE PRESENT!

Eh the last few days I have tried to just clear my head, try and get back to the me that I was proud to be a few months ago.  Like I've said before, this summer has been weird and has changed me, and I'm afraid that its changed me for the worse, or tried to anyway!

I remember being the chilled dude, the happy guy that would make everyone laugh and just be an all-round fun guy - now though I do the opposite and seem to like bum peeps out and dont have fun, and even end up ruining things for other people.  Thats not me and thats not fun!!

I'm finding myself back there, back to the chilled fun-loving dood I was not too long ago - sure I'm not fully there, that'll take some time but for the time-being I'm starting to get happier about shit.

I'm starting to just focus on myself again, doing what I want to do and not spending all my time waiting or being consumed by with people are texting me/facebooking me/twittering me, whatever.  That shit doesn't matter at all - a person fully knows who their friends are and doesn't necessarily need  constant reminders of it.

Stupid things were and have been bothering me for months, things like hearing from people everyday, and if not thinking there was some sort of problem; thats impossible and just simply unbearable too (for both parties).

Apart from all that pish, I dont know what else I've really been doing, I've been getting obsessed with Batman Returns tonight playing loads of the old console games, and listening to the score - might watch it later tonight after my workout.

Oh, and I've started eating like full tubs of ice-cream again and I hate myself for it - really but its just so nice and good.  Meh, my workout kills it off so its all good!!

Welp thats pretty much it I think, another void into my life and head *I will warn people, I'm not normally this complex, its just a bad time recently, so dont get excited seeing these*

Silence My Lust And Breath Upon My Anguish

I'm wanting to maybe start doing these every day, or close to - frankly I feel so good about just getting my thoughts and feelings out there, whether people are reading these or not - I am and its helping ME so that's the most important thing just now.

*FYI, for those that dont know I have the HUGEST crush on Ramona Flowers, like for real, such a huge crush on her!!*

Today I went out and just tried to clear my head; get some space on my own and just try and get all the stupid stuff that has been plaguing me this Summer.
Its been a weird holiday; I've had the highest of highs but also felt the lowest of lows so many times, infact I've been tip-topping from one extreme to the next with very little time spent in the middle.  I've either been extremely happy and overjoyed or I've just wanted to end everything and felt so fucking low.  This has started to affect friendships and such that I NEED to erase this and try and find myself back to the middle ground and have a stable settlement there.  I cant do the extremes anymore, physically and emotionally.

I went through most of that stuff last night so I guess I'll move on, frankly after today I do feel slightly better about myself and my situation.
Today I went and caught Guardians Of The Galaxy and man it was great, well maybe not great but really damn good ha!
Its very different from any other Marvel film, like in every way its different but damn it worked and all thats went through my head since is how awesome it would be if Marvel was able to get the rights back for Spiderman and X-Men.  Meh, dorkiness aside, really enjoyed it and was just nice to go myself and just relax and get out of my head for a few hours (which isn't easy for me to do, at all).
Also, man is Chris Pratt gonna become a star now, like he's destined to become the new face of the Marvel franchise and I see him as this generations Harrison Ford - he's already got the starring role in Jurassic World too, which will no doubt spawn some sort of sequel not to mention the numerous Marvel projects he's gonna now be part of.

Onto the usual stuff, well I'm about half an hour away from raging a workout, my new regime though is that I WILL have two days off a week, to let my body heal and relax.
Talking of healing, its also 2 weeks till I get surgery *yay* so for a few days after that my old fashioned candy ass wont be walking all too well, but it'll fix a problem I've had now for I dont know, maybe two months, something like that - the pain'll be worth it.

Oh, and also decided today (via an amazing idea from a friend) that for a comic sorta convention in a few weeks, I'm dressing up as Han Solo, which is gonna rock all kinds of ass!!

Super stocked for it, should be fine as fuck and a great experience.

Ehhhh, thats it just now I guess.  'til tomorrow I guess - adios for now!!

Don't Stick Around // Settle Down, We're Gonna Die

*This is probably gonna end up being super personal of a post, so if you dont want to know about shit like that about me and your reading, stop now and go look at pictures of Aubrey Plaza instead*

So, tonight has made me realise two things about myself;  I need to start getting over this awful trust issue problem I've been suffering from for 9 years, and I also need to start looking after myself much more and actually rest.

Lets tackle the trust part first:

This is something I hate, but years ago I had some shitty thing happen and since I have just found so much solace in relying only on myself and choosing to trust very few people, very few times.  I find it so hard to do this, to let go of control and leave something up to someone else - I mean what if they fail, or what if the problem doesn't go as planned.  This encompasses everything, including the easy thing of meeting someone, I have so much dread when I go to meet anyone because there's such a huge part of myself that feels that for instance, they wont be there, or if they are they dont want to be.  Maybe being around me is somewhat of a pity move, and they are only talking to me/being around me because its polite.
Who would want to be seen with a 22 year old male that wears eyeliner and wears clothes that are so damn tight?

This leads into a problem with self confidence too, but this isn't too much of a problem; sure its something I struggle with but honestly I dont think theres too much of a problem when it comes to my ego.

The next part is rest:

I punish myself with working out every night, I punish myself with pushing myself to do things that I just shouldn't (going for walks spanning miles on a broken toe), hell working out with stitches in my stomach.
Dont get me wrong, I love working out and enjoy the peace it brings and the whole joy I get from how I look after it but honestly - so much of the time now I am exhausted and just drained of everything.
I live with this idea that everyone can always look and be better, and the idea of stopping and resting rarely comes into mind.

I know these problems are things that I need to address and just get over; now its starting to affect a number of relationships, relationships with people that I care about, people that I have known and been friends with for aslong as I can remember.  Without addressing these and kicking them in their ass, well whats gonna happen is I'm gonna end up alone again and the struggle will begin again and will only be 10x worse.

Life is a weird thing but you only have one go, so why the hell push people away and why punish yourself?

Those Words Everybody Wants To Hear: "I Hate Your Guts, And I Want To Kill You"

So its Sunday and I'm minutes away from starting my workout, and as always I'm pumped for it!
Last night was my first real/full workout since Monday night, so I was uber happy to get back to just raging my body and getting back into the habit.

I've spent the weekend trying to relax and get the last week just flushed out and get myself back to a state where I'm not overly tired and exhausted.
Well, I also had a pain in the ass cold and throat thingy the last few days too which sucked, but now I've lost it and I think, I THINK I'm nearly back to full-health (or as near to it as I'll ever be with a broken toe and stuff).

I did find out yesterday that it seems my bank account has been hacked though, near £100 is missing, which does totally suck BUT on the bright side I am working more this week and am earning over £100 so it'll be replaced soon enough; still though, means no extravagant purchases this week for me.

As spirits go, I'm feeling great, though I have started to disdain people more in the last week; being in Glasgow, and not in a nice area, I saw so much of the typical Glasgow and it just annoyed me; drunks, annoying/screamy kids, junkies, ect.  It just boiled my blood and got me sorta angry tbh.
Not just that but I've seen people I know and love being, what in my mind is, mistreated and taken advantage of which really pissed me off!

Apart from this, I guess this week looks good; gonna try and just relax and get ready to slam my 4th (and final) Year of Uni, so that's gonna be fun.
I do have the next PPV SummerSlam next Sunday, so that should be rad and an awesome watch - looks like a great show.

Yeah, thats kinda it, so I suppose I'll just trail off...

My Door // Celebrating The Life And Times Of A Serial Psychotic

First post in a while I think, bleh I feel so sick and just want to sleep forever...or atleast until my tonsils go back to their normal size and my nose unblocks.

I have had a good week though, apart from today; I got to see Converge on Tuesday which was fun-ish, like Converge were good live, nice band to tick off the gig-bucket list, but the support was just not my thing at all, proper Norwegian Heavy Metal; no thank you!!

During Tuesday (the DAY part) I spent most of it in Edinburgh, the Fringe was on so there were loads of people all over the fucking shop...I dont like people very much.

To be fair I did go to a H&M in Edinburgh that was pretty insane and got a bunch of awesome stuff so that was nice I guess.

The next day I got to see '68 live, but first I was so damn lucky to get to actually hang with the band and then interview them.  This is a night that I will not soon forget, like really - one of the best nights of my entire life.  I'm sorta burned out on talking about it, so I'll just say it was great and I really hope I can get to do these things more often!

Now though, on to today; sucked so hard.  I woke up with my tonsils being like double their size and instantly felt like shit.  After not sleeping very much I went out and should have had a great fun day out but was a grumpy ass so bummed everyone else around me out which was pretty gay of me.  Then it started pissing of rain, which I normally love...WHEN I'M ON THE FUCKING INSIDE!!
Got back to my flat and one of our flatmates is moving out this month, which though wasn't too much of a shock was still startling and really just bummed me out much more.

Now I'm here and I'm looking back on the day and wondering if the whole adrenaline of the week has worn off?  Am I gonna be bummed out now that I really dont have anything big to look forward to?  Am I just burnt out and need some proper rest?  Am I asking too many questions/am I becoming the Riddler?

All I know is that for the next few days I'm gonna be super grumpy and feeling bleh, which means no working out for atleast tonight, hopefully I can have a sturdier day tomorrow and get some balance to my day - try and just relax enough that I have energy to workout at night and feel like sucking the days' cock.

Until next time, go fuck yourself!

Nothing Will Die // No One Can Help You Anymore

First post in while, so yeah the biggest thing going on with me is still the pain in my toe, which has gotten so much worse since yesterday but on the good side there IS so much awesome stuff going on.

This week I have two gigs and an interview which are all gonna be so damn rad!  Seeing Converge is something I've wanted to do for like 2 years; I remember the last time they played I was in hospital and was super bummed that I would be missing it cause of some stitches in my stomach; now though I'm getting to finally see these furious dudes in such a small venue, with no barriers or security...this means its gonna be intense as HELL!!

Then the next night I get to go and firstly interview the band '68, and then after I' get to see these dudes tear it up - super stocked on this one.  Won't be as chaotic but will still kick all kinds of ass.

Off of gig stuff, today I was reminded just how crazy busy Saturdays can be in a shop, jeez it was scary!  Especially with it being one of my first days like unattended it was pretty ARGHHHHH!! but it went off fine after a shaky start.

*This week I found out a total music snob thing, and so now I feel like I know everything about Eighteen Visions and I am the ULTIMATE fan!  That band during 2000-2003 is just insane, every release/song/video/performance/whatever is amazing!  God I love Fashioncore so damn much.*

Pretty much thats all I have to say I think; I'm feeling so relieved now when thinking about post-Uni life, I have a job that I will fall-back on and will hopefully drive on with.  Right now I'm just in a happy place, where I'm starting to be able to sleep better and not suffer TOO badly with the insomnia, and I'm not having to worry about money too much or anything else.

I am zen (for the time being).

20:55 // Wristslitter

Another day, and another mood swing!

I'm here and I'm feeling pretty gnarly (the bad way), my foot is throbbing so hard, walking sucks to the point I've became numb to it and kinda accepted its gonna suck so just continue with it.
I have a headache which is coming and going, and I have had this really bad pain in my back for WEEKS now...in short I am in so much pain!!!

With this pain its actually changing my mood and just making me feel so fucking angry, which makes me feel even worse cause I start hating things that aren't even bothering me, but because it takes away from this crippling physical pain it becomes more prominent.

I'm trying not to let it get to me though, because I know there are so many other people out there going through MUCH worse, and honestly, apart from this pain I dont have anything else really to bother me.
I have a great job.
I have money again.
I have great friends.

And the biggest thing to happen to me since Saturday, this morning I got an email 100& confirming that I am getting to do a face-to-face interview with Josh Scogin of '68.  So I mean I'm not feeling hopeless or down on myself: its just this pain that really is making everyday things like walking, and even putting on a pair of bastarding socks such a challenge!

I dont know, I just feel like posting on here helps me disperse all of the shit and helps me let go.

Whats next?
I'm not sure, hopefully I can get a doctors appointment tomorrow for some time this week so I can get some surgery sorted.  I start proper full-on work on Wednesday, and a week tomorrow I get to head to Glasgow and see Converge live in whats gonna be an insane show!  then the next night, I get to interview Josh and then watch '68 tear shit up live!

So things are looking good, just this broken toe in really making everything so much more difficult than it should be and making me pretty damn miserable.

 Yes, that gif of Aubrey Plaza totally gets me cranked...

Sham Life // She Looks Good In Velvet

Last night I got to meet one of my all-time favourite vocalists, and not only was he great on-stage but off it too.  Coming straight out the changing room into the masses, along with the rest of the band, and stayed till every single person got anything and everything they wanted from them.  A rare sight these days, especially for a band made-up of already incredibly successful workers - they care about their fans and these days so many bands dont do this (and no, holding some stupid thing on Twitter doesn't count!).  I had the chance to meet the band after and chat which was awesome, then got the bus home and well, yeah.

Other news, I really cant walk now, or even put any sort of pressure or anything on my left foot so thats making life *so much fun right now*.  It seems like some surgery is on my horizon and thats always fun....right?!

Apart from that, I'm fairly good, going real nice and getting super amped for stuff coming up; getting properly into working, 4th year, seeing Converge on the 5th of August, then '68 on the 6th and I'm even getting to interview Josh from '68 so thats like super rad!!

I'm now just patiently waiting to start working out in about 45mins, missed last night due to gigging, so tonight's is gonna be an extra rager!
After that I can then start wrestling insomnia till I can finally get some sleep.

In conclusion, the future is gonna be fun (aslong as I dont count surgery and crippling insomnia).

Screaminator: The Gallows For An Innocent Man

So, its been a few days since I last updated my blog and so much has changed!!

I sit here, the very same place I sat when I started this and I am feeling better than I think I have for years.  Why?  Simple, I've let go of shitty grudges, I've finally shunned petty hatred.

What the hell do I have to be angry about anyway?
- I'm in my dream job
- Because of this job I get to go back to my ways to buying anything that I want
- I'm in the best shape of my life
- I look fucking incredible as of late and have embraced the idea of fashion and making it fit me and my ideas
- Music recently has been insane

Right now I am finally in the position to look for the one last thing I need in my life; a girl friend.

Now I'm not saying that I'm not happy being single; its cheaper and easier and I have far less to worry about!
But if there was a goth chick or a super evil-looking witch-like sarcastic bitch to come through the doors I would so be chubbed up!
Like, there is this chick I've had a crush on for so long, she's perfect for me if Im honest, but she's in America, so yeah distance renders that all but a pipe-dream.  I mean I'd love for something to happen with her; we like the same things, we are similar people looks-wise as well as past experiences-wise too, I dont know, I just think if I ever had a chance with this awesome girl that something really good would happen.  I guess I'll hold onto that hope, and maybe in time we'll see.

I've also started thinking about the future, after Uni stuff - having gotten a job at H&M has done so much for me and effectively secured me money-wise after Uni.  One thought I keep on having is after Uni, I spend a year or so saving up and working my ass off, climb the ranks.  Then after I have enough, get transfer to New York and work at one of the many H&M stores there.  Then live out what would literally be my dream life.

Also, I am totally loving this blog, if for nothing else, getting to create the blog titles is so damn fun and creative - LOVE it!  Writing has always been something I've always enjoyed and thought was a great outlet for me to get creativity out.

In short:
Life is great and I am finally kicking its ass, and Dundee needs more goth/sarcastic-evil chicks!

Killer Be Killed:Kill Or Be Killed

"But I'll slow down for you, and if you can speed up we'll both share something new, 'cause I've grown tired of hiding half truths, full pictures are the harshest ones to view"

What a difference a few hours can make; in a matter of 2 hours I have went from feeling worthless to feeling how I should feel - like I am THE greatest in the world!

I'm sitting with a bright neon red vinyl blaring at .45 revolutions per minute just inches away from me, and I feel so cleansed of all the ultra anger I felt.  I sit here realising what makes me ME, what makes me an individual and what makes me different from anyone else that you have ever met ever before.  

I am dedicated.

I have just busted my ass in one of the quickest workouts I have ever done, I pushed myself and didn't stop for the sweat, the blood or the pain - I pushed on and that is the essence of me.  I dont quit, and I will not stop pursuing what I want if I feel that I am deserved it.  I set out my clothes for tomorrow and I realised just how fucking good I look, looking in the mirror at my white Jordan Buckley World Wide shirt, blue denim overshirt and black skinnys I was so elated, and then when I undressed I looked again and I saw my abs, I saw my six-pack and my monstrous chest and I saw my vascular-stricken body.  I realised that whatever isn't going for me now is just another obstacle that I need to destroy and then piss on it; maybe others that are undeserving have things, maybe they look down at me for wearing eyeliner, in the end FUCK them and FUCK everything.  I used to be a chubby little kid that was told that I was super close to diabetes, hell I was told not too long ago that I should have been dead from an appendicitis (!!), know what I did?  I fucking started working out when my appendix was rupturing, I was doing sit-ups when my appendix burst!
Tomorrow I start a job that I have been pining for, been applying for and been begging for for 4 years now - I didn't get this by lying in my bed watching Netflix!

What I dont have now, which is very little, and what I want now, which is the same, I will have because I am the most dedicated person you or anyone else has met!  

yourokiwillbei // Happiness Is Just A Smile

What a difference one night can make; I woke up and instantly everything seemed darker and grey.  I didn't wake up with this lust for life or a happiness to be awake and ready to suck today dry - instead I woke up and felt that I just couldn't do it.
I'm not sure why, but all day I have just felt so much anger and hatred for others; with those that I already aimed my hate at getting the brunt and visions of destroying them have flooded my day.  For the first time in weeks I lay in my bed and just didn't know what to do, I felt helpless and almost useless.  My heart and chest have been pounding with hatred for hours now - harm is on the tip of my tongue (not self-harm, but general and violent harm towards the fuckers I feel deserve it).  The same old flashes of worthlessness and hopelessness have plagued the day and I just feel like I was months ago.

I wholeheartedly believe that I am a good person and put myself out there for any and every one whenever I can - no matter the consequences that hit me after/during.  I dont know, maybe its nerves for starting my job tomorrow, maybe its all the Joy Division and Cure I listened to yesterday - or maybe I've just realised that even with me FEELING happy, that I am in fact not happy.

I might wake up tomorrow and feel 100% again and want to suck the days' cock dry of all its goodness...or I could wake up and feel as though it'd have been better if I hadn't...

Love Will Tear Us Apart // Is It Really Noisy?

If your reading this, you know me so I'm not gonna bother introducing myself or any of that shit - if no one is reading this then I for sure don't need to introduce myself to me!

This is gonna be a blog that I write whenever I feel like it; its not based on music, clothing, or anything else I'm into - its about me.  It will be scattered, will have random lyrics, gifs, pictures I dont know, just whatever I feel when writing it.

So its nearly midnight and I'm sitting here in my bed questioning whether or not £58 is a good deal for two awesome Joy Division tee's.  I'm also feeling pretty damn great as of late, after having a real sucky time since about the end of Feburary I am now finally back to myself and feeling like a new me.  With a new haircut, my dream job that I start on Monday, and the return of my spirit I feel like I'm finally content or even, dare I say it..."happy".  Sure I am still harboring the usual regret and hate for some, but thats stuff everyone has right?
This whole shitty-time followed by a real joyous one is something thats been happening to me for years, maybe my entire life - I find myself in a place where I am just happy, then something happens that like scars me and then BAM like a George Michael cumshot, my life is all over the place, and eventually I find myself wallowing on the floor (unlike George's spunk, I normally dont find myself on the floor of men's toilets).  So though I am feeling awesome right now, theres totally this apprehension inside that something real bad is about to happen.

Talking of George Michael, seriously how fucking awesome is he?  Wham! in their hayday were incredible, and "Last Christmas" is THE Christmas anthem and song - go on and try to deny it!  Then he totally went full-on gay and in the mid-90's turned into like a borderline male whore, talking about wanting to slam guys outside cause he's had enough of the kitchen table?  Fucking George!!
Musically though, he was incredible, and maybe he still is - haven't listened to his new album.  Music-wise though, this year for me has been incredible, after getting a record player for Christmas I have become even more of a music snob and have a pretty sexy collection going (do it with a record collector, they have 12"'s ;) ).  Still a digital guy though, and have found so much music from so many different genre's this year - go listen to Kent NOW! - but I've had my fill of metalcore and punk which has literally made me so freaking happy at times (even if I'm still waiting for my fucking ETID record to arrive!!).
A day or so ago though I realised that music has kinda turned into a motivation for me now, a motivation to workout to: I find myself listening to music and feeling like I just need to slam through a workout, though this could be caused by the addiction I have with raging my body to its fullest and getting the best results.  I used to be a pretty big dude, like 16stone at the age of 16 kinda big - I totally remember looking at a full-length mirror one day in Drama and realising just how big I was.  So after a year or so, I bit the bullet and just started working out, I remember I started doing like 20 press ups and 20 sit-ups a night and thinking it was HUGE haha.  After dedication and clearly seeing the change, not to mention constant remarks for friends, I kept on, pushing the numbers up and adding more and more till I got to where I am now; a 22 year old with actual definition that spends around 2 hours a night working out every area of my body.  The fact that I have had this dedication and have been able to push through has not only impressed others but its impressed me.  No matter what people say, anyone can literally do anything!!

Burn Halo are playing and they are fucking awesome!!  These dudes need more fans and need to get recognized as the band that are slaying radio-rock/arena-rock better than anyone out there!

So what else, eh I'm away to eat a slab of Tesco value chocolate after this and watch Parks and Rec (seriously, April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza) gets me so damn cranked, also watching Scott Pilgrim, which she's also in, does the same, I mean DAMN how fucking hawt is Ramona Flowers?!).  Or actually I might watch The Simpsons cause I went and picked up Season 11 on DVD today, sure its not as good as say Season 6, 7, 8 or 9 but I actually love 11, and it was a great price so blow on that non-believers!!

Ah, Flyleaf's cover of "Stay (Faraway, So Close)" just came on and its beautiful, seriously the new singer of Flyleaf kinda sucks compared to the old one :/

I could talk about how I feel meh about the Uni course I'm doing now; I've been doing video games effectively for 5 years now, thats nearly a quarter of my life.  Going into fourth year I am stocked though and looking forward to it but after, I dont know if I will get into games if Im honest.  I'm just burnt out - I've done 3 years in Uni, a year in College and the last year of Secondary I had to create a game, so I created an interactive game of Snap (which fucking rocked btw!!) so thats a long-ass time to focus on one real subject.  I look into the future and think what I'm gonna do, what I WANT to do and games is down the list.  Now after maybe having a year or two out of games I might get the thirst for it and go for it - I'd love to put my degree and all to use after all.

I dont know, I've spent half an hour writing this and frankly I am starved and just want to KILL this chocolate - so maybe I'll end this here.  I hope to pick up with the adventures of my life later on, so if you care keep a look out and if you dont, why the hell did you read all of this ya dingus!!